How To: Manage a 401k by Mark Volinski

You'll need: 

1. Arms 
2. A brain

Let's get to it!

1. Decide that you will finally talk to your employer about starting a 401k plan.
2. Right before you open the door to their office, run, cowering, in the opposite direction. 
3. Locate a plant and hide behind it.
4. When people pass, scream "Hey, you! Can't you see I'm walkin' here?" from behind the plant, elliciting horrified flinches from your colleagues. 
5. Decide that this whole plant thing isn't so bad after all. 
6. Start spending most of your day impersonating the plant. 
7. Your boss may approach you and request a private meeting. 
8. They're probably going to give you that 401k!
9. Prepare a list of demands for the meeting. This is best written in blood. 
10. Waltz into the meeting with your head held as high as possible. 
11. You may run into something; you will not be looking in front of you. 
12. Once you hit something, you are likely in your bosses' office. Sit down. 
13. Right as they start speaking, thrust your demands in front of them. 
14. Begin drooling. Your manner of extreme ease will give you all the negotiating power. 
15. When they refuse your demand regarding having your own tower, release your drool, being sure to spread it across a large swath of your bosses' desk. 
16. They will cave. Be sure to wear robes when in your tower.  

How To: Change a Tire by Mark Volinski

You'll need: 

1. A jar
2. A handle
3. Too many spoons

Let's get this started, shall'nt we?

1. Immerse yourself in the tales of Charles Dickens. 
2. Become convinced that you are Charles Dickens. 
3. Purchase some new clothes. You think Charles Dickens would be caught dead in those rags?
4. Remark to passing locals, "A haypenny for a story? I'll spin you any tale you desire!"
5. Do this for several years, until you are famous. 
6. You will become a highly desirable mate, attracting everyone across the land. 
7. Impress this fact upon anyone you meet, demanding their admiration. 
8. "Bow to me! Yes, you there! Bow! I am Sir Charles Dickens, aren't I?" 
9. When they respond in the negative, make sure they know how wrong they are. 
10. Don't worry if things get violent. After all who are they going to arrest, Charles Dickens?
11. As long as there are other people dressed as Charles Dickens that day, you will be just fine.

How To: Make a Towel with Art Ester

Some say mythical beings exist all around us, only atoms away in some cases. We cannot see, touch, or hear them, but they are there all the same. Scientist theorize that they exist in some extra dimension, observing us until they feel the need to intervene for whatever reason. At any moment they could make their existence known. Or they may chose to remain invisible forever. But this How-To isn't concerned with them! We're talking about towels today. 

As you how-toers know, ain't no way you are attracting a mate of any conceivably merit without a high quality, homemade towel. Follow these steps and you'll be skipping in the soft sands with your lover in no time! 

You'll need: 

1. A barrel of liquid (some jellies work)
2. Another barrel of liquid (not jelly! How could you think jelly might work?!)
3. Less owls than you would think.

Let's do this.

1. Do not sleep for three days. 
2. Stumble into an auditorium, and seize the microphone right as the featured speaker is about to start his lecture. 
3. Ignore everyone's yells that you promptly leave the stage. 
4. Evade security using your advanced martial arts skills. 
5. If you do not have advanced martial arts skills, try kicking security's ankles. That seems to work sometimes. 
6. Once you are subdued, vow to exact revenge. 
7. Security should release you after 72 hours or so, depending on the extent of your crimes. 
8. Once at home, decide that a high-quality towel is your best shot at redemption. 
9. Take a barrel of liquid and put it in your living room. 
10. See if guests remark on its presence. 
11. If they do not, casually allude to the barrel in friendly conversation. 
12. "Does anyone need some liquid?" You might say. "I don't know where we could get some. Surely there is not some nearby?"
13. If you're guests are not impressed by this point, they are clearly lunatics. They didn't have to come over if they didn't want to. After all, you didn't hold a gun to their head. 
14. Hold a gun to their heads. 
15. Shriek, "Fly, my pretties!" while releasing all of the owls. 
16. Your guests will flee the premises, owls following closely behind. 
17. You have not slept for five days at this point.
18. See if you can let one of the owls back in. 
19. Let some rodents out in your house. They will surely attract an owl or two. 
20. The rodents may proliferate exponentially. 
21. The owls should come in and take care of that. 
22. At this point there may be 30-40 owls taking up residence in your home. This is your life now. 
23. Pick a favorite owl, and give him or her a little kiss. You want it to know how you really feel, don't you?
24. Your simple gesture of gratitude should make the little fella feel indebted to you. 
25. Try not to act on any sexual urges you may experience toward the owl. 
26. The next night before Owl gets home from work, purchase a nice bottle of wine and pick out a fun new recipe to try. 
27. Time it so the food will be hot and ready just at the time Owl gets home. 
28. Owl, smitten, will make you an Owl Towel. 
29. ................................
30. You thought this How To was for a 'normal' towel, not an Owl Towel? Well you're not the boss of me. You're getting Owl Towels. Also I don't appreciate your tone. You'll get nowhere in life with that attitude. 

How To: Go on Vacation with Art Ester

Part 506 in a Long Running Series

Howdy ho how-toers! Heard along the dusty trail that the wicked charlatan George Winston has creeped his way back into the How To business. As a professional and very well respected How To dispenser, I find this disturbing and dangerous. But fear not dear followers! Your shepherd is here to lead you away from the dark woods Winston no doubt led you into. 

Materials list: 

1. Quite a lot of cream
2. Your uncle from out of town
3. A frightening level of frustration with your landlord

Let's get right into it! We must; I will surely be kicked off of this public library's computer in a matter of minutes. I have been using it for hours and have not been a library member for several decades. Not since The Incident. 

1. Attempt to talk your uncle into buying you a plane ticket. It doesn't matter to where. 
2. When he refuses, angrily accuse him of being the worst uncle in the history of the whole world, and a meanie. 
3. He will ask you if you are taking your anti-anxiety medication. 
4. Explain to him that you haven't needed those for quite some time, thank you very much. 
5. At this point in the conversation you may hear a loud sigh from the other end of the phone. It may be followed by a threat to call your mother. 
6. Little does he know your mother is just upstairs. You moved back home weeks ago. You got him good.
7. Bask in your victory. 
8. Continue to whine and beg for the plane ticket. He will eventually accede to your request on the condition you return to your prescribed anti-anxiety treatment regimen. 
9. Assure him that surely a trip is just the tonic your anxiety-ridden mind needs. 
10. When he reads his credit card number off, enter it into an illicit online marketplace for live foxes. 
11. The foxes should arrive at your door in 3-4 weeks, weather permitting. 
12. Don't bother telling your mother about the impending fox shipment. She'll realize soon enough. 
13. Oh boy will she ever. 
14. The little guys will be quite hungry when they arrive. 
15. Calmly explain to your parents that you only bought three dozen foxes. You could have gotten quite a few more, after all. 
16. Become irritated when they suggest you did not do them a 'solid' , as you keep insisting. 
17. Your parents will probably kick you and the foxes out of the house. 
18. Grab the cream before you leave. I'm 99% sure foxes eat cream. 
19. OK more like a soft 40%. 
20. Foxes are kinda like a cross between a dog and a cat, right? And cats like cream. 
21. Steal your parents' car and locate an abandoned warehouse. 
22. Let your fox friends out!
23. Call the foxes to attention, and let the them know you have an important announcement. 
24. Explain to them that they are now all part of 'Fox Squad Bravo". 
25. Affix to them their official 'Fox Squad Bravo' hats that you have carefully knitted for them. 
26. They may not be totally into the hats. 
27. Let them know that it is time for Fox Squad Bravo's first mission. 
28. Honestly it doesn't really matter what the mission is. Just make up whatever comes to mind. 
29. Foxes are notoriously good listeners; they will soak up your instructions with vigor. 
30. March your little team outside, and say "Fox Squad Bravo, commence mission!"
31. While they work on that, get to knitting some larger fox hats. XL fox hats are extremely valuable if you know the right people. 

How To: Milk a Dinosaur with George Winston

Hey there ya pack of blithering idiots! Big ole nasty GW here to instruct you on the finer points of Dino-milking. Dino-milking, besides being a thrilling and lucrative professional sport, can provide a nice outlet for those morning rage-fits. You guys get those too, right? Please tell me you do. 

You'll need to pick up some doodads from the local bazaar for this one: 

1. A largish oaf
2. Grease
3. More than one peanut

Let's do this, people!

1. Feed the oaf some breakfast; this will be a long day for him. 
2. Tie your oaf to a tree, making sure he doesn't know what's going on. He won't suspect a thing.
3. Grease your oaf up good. 
4. Instruct the oaf to yell, "Dinosaurs, come and get me!" 
5. Dinosaurs will likely come running from miles around, excited by your oaf's plea. 
6. Give the oaf a peanut; he's really knocked this one out of the park.
7. You can give him another peanut, if you wish. 
8. Not too too many peanuts; we wouldn't want to spoil him, get him all hooked on peanuts. 
9. When you feel your oaf has had a satisfactory amount of peanuts, consult with the dinosaurs. 
10. The dinosaurs will begin the process of electing a leader, through a series of trials. The first and most famous trial is the Dino-Milking. 
11. Your oaf may begin dancing, overjoyed at the Milking's imminent start. 
12. Approach the biggest Dino, and slap it on the bum. 
13. It should respond positively to this, allowing you to milk it. 
14. Put all of your fresh squeezed Dino-Milk in little jars. 
15. Find some cute stickers to put on the jars. 
16. Sell them at your local farmer's market, screaming, "Fresh Dino-Milk here! Get your Dino-Milk! Cheapest Dino-Milk in the Land!"
17. You are lying. Deborah's Dino-Milk is much cheaper. But no one has to know that. 
18. Stake out Deborah's home for weeks, learning her habits and routines. 
19. When she leaves the house, steal all of her Dino-Milk, and use her bathroom. 
20. It is imperative to use her bathroom. You have to show her who's boss. 
21. You are the boss, if that wasn't clear from step 20.
22. Sorry if step 20 wasn't super duper clear. 
23. Deborah's milk in hand, you will have cornered the dino-milk market. 
24. Celebrate with the dinosaurs. This is their win too, after all. 
25. If the oaf comes to the party, make sure he thinks it's his birthday. If he buys it, you've killed two birds with one stone. 

How To: Buy a Llama

You'll need:

1. A radio
2. A lot of chutzpah

OK then! Let's get started.

1. Hold your breath for as long as you can. 
2. You look ridiculous. 
3. Once out of breath, try it again. I'm sure you can beat your old record!
4. Longer!
5. Upon waking up, realize you are no longer clothed. 
6. Search in vain for your missing clothing.
7. Wander around totally naked, eventually ending up in a market.
8. Ask, "Does anyone have a llama I can buy?" to no one in particular. 
9. Become enraged when no one responds, threatening, "I'll buy a llama one way or another. I don't care how I have to do it."
10. Flee when police arrive. 
11. Scramble on all fours to the woods, eluding the authorities. 
12. Become one with the forest, forsaking all material possessions. 
13. Commune with the forest god.
14. Realize they are a bit of a dummy. 
15. Return to civilization, never speaking of your time in the forest.  
16. Roughly a 50/50 chance you go crazy hiding your secret, and begin building a rocket in your backyard. 
17. Declare to neighbors, routinely, that, "The secrets of the stars are the key to the future!" and avoid their judging gaze. 
18. Continue to tinker with the rocket. You should probably add more engines.
19. Around this point you will lose custody of your children. 
20. Become extremely relieved about that fact. 
21. Let's light up that rocket, baby!
22. Awaken, singed, somewhere nearby.
23. Do you still have your limbs? 
24. If YES to 23,  continue to 25, If NO, well, this one is on me. I'll getcha back, man!
25. Congrats! You are a rocketeer! 
26. Sell your story to a local newspaper for $400, making up most of it and embellishing the rest.
27. Purchase a Llama. 

How To: Fly an Aircraft

You'll need: 

1. The amount of beer that would get a medium size moose fairly drunk
2. A barrel of cheese whiz
3. Fourteen ancient birds

Let's get started!

1. Remove all orbs from your house. 
2. If you can't find all of the orbs, they are likely hiding.
3. You'll have to smoke 'em out. 
4. What are you waiting for? Get smoking Smoky!
5. I'm sorry that was mean calling you Smoky. 
6. The orbs will run into your arms and you'll be all set with that. 
7. Find an airplane, and locate any evil rabbits that may be living inside of it. 
8. Swindle those rabbits for all they're worth. 
9. Remember they are evil so it's OK. 
10. Hop into the cockpit of the airplane, and start the throttle. 
11. Turn it to eleven. 
12. Eleven seems a bit much actually in hindsight. 
13. Turn it to whatever level seems right to you. 
14. This is really all on you now buddy. 
15. I think you probably should have put on goggles already at this point. Oops. Sorry about that. 
16. Can you see without goggles? Probably not too well huh. 
17. I would evacuate the vehicle, if I were you. 
18. Look for a soft patch on the ground, preferably one that is a bed. 
19. ............Couldn't find any beds? I'm sure the ground isn't as hard as it looks.
20. Let me know how it goes! 

How To: Grow Grass with Art Ester

Part 487 in a Long Running Series

Hey there how-toers! Did you miss me? Sorry about the absence, had to deal with some lengthy legal battles over my estate. Mostly related to the fact that I can't locate the darned thing. Have you seen it?  I was keeping most of my ice creamed sandwiches in there. And those don't keep well. Especially not where I put them. 

Anyhoo, let's get right into it. Let's grow some of that grass! You know what I'm talking about. 

Here's what we'll need:

1. 4 hot plates (can be cold)
2. A yellow sweater
3. A sense of impending doom
4. Any amount of yogurt 

OK! We'll then, like my ole Grampa Jimbo said, you can't grow grass without marrying off your first born! But never you mind that. He was an old, old, old, man. 

1.  Take your grass packet out of the freezer where you should have placed it.
2. Put your ear up to it, closely, and listen for signs of life. 
3. Whisper to it, barely audibly, "Hello Grass. Can you hear me?"
4. If it responds, run screaming from the premises and never return. 
5. If it does not, put the packet down on the counter, and stare at it for some length of time. (More time is better.)
6. While staring at it, imagine what your childhood could have been like if you were popular.
7. Decide that it would have been much less sad.
8. Empty the packet onto the floor, and kick the seeds wildly in every direction. 
9. Faster. 
10. Faster.
11. More kicking! Keep kicking! Kick! Seeds! Kick! Seeds!
12. If you can still stand, keep kicking. 
13. Once you are thoroughly exhausted, go outside and get some fresh air. 
14. Oh wow there is grass already out here, all planted.  
15. Head back inside and enquire with your grass as to why it can't be more like the outside grass. 
16. Decide your grass is woefully inadequate, and dive into a deep depression. 
17. Sleep on the floor for several weeks amongst your grass seeds. Your tears may help their growth. 
18. Your tears will NOT help their growth. 
19. While still laying on the floor, call Sally from 4th grade. 
20. Beg her to tell you why she did not go to the dance with you. 
21. When she mentions that she is not Sally, who are you and why are you calling me, swear furiously into the phone until "Sally" hangs up. 
22. You showed her, didn't you. 

How To: Raise Sheep

You'll need:

1. 10 large goats (NOT SHEEP!)
2. 47 red blankets
3. A lot of wet newspaper
4. Coloring books

All right then! Let's get started.

1. Place goats on blankets an equal distance from one another.
2. Instruct the goats to relax. 
3. Let the goats know you are leaving, but will be back soon.
4. Give each goat a coloring book.
5. Form the wet newspaper into a humanoid shaped mound.
6. Let the goats know that the wet newspaper mound will take very good care of them in your absence.
7. Be sure the goats know to address the wet mound as "The Goatkeeper." 
8. Quietly place a hidden camera nearby to record The Goatkeeper's progress. 
9. Wave goodbye and find somewhere to go for a while. The Goatkeeper will have to learn to handle things on his own.
10. Return in three to four weeks to review the hidden camera's footage. 
11. If The Goatkeeper has successfully taught the goats science, art, and arithmetic by the time you get back, congratulations! You are a proud papa. 
12. Embrace your Goatkeeper and hold him, lovingly, for however long you like. 

How To: Play in the Super Bowl

You'll need: 

1. An ounce of chutney 
2. 4 large glasses of salsa
3. A generally bad attitude

Let's get started! First, 

1. Combine salsa and chutney in a large mixing bowl.
2. Place bowl in the fridge for 45 minutes, to allow mixture to cool. 
3. Do a couple of laps around the house while that mixture cools; it will probably be your first exercise in weeks. 
4. Try not to pass out. 
5. If you pass out, make sure your dog is there.
6. Your dog will likely lick your face while you are unconscious. 
7. Awake 30-45 minutes later, confused and covered in dog spit.
8.  Place two bowls on the floor roughly 3 feet from each other. 
9. Explain calmly to your dog that he or she is to chose which will be the 'super bowl'.
10. Impress upon them that this is a very important decision. 
11. When your dog chooses, make it clear that whichever they chose was indeed the 'super' bowl. 
12. Congratulate your dog on its accomplishment. 
13. Walk upstairs.
14. Go into the bathroom and close the door.
15. Agree internally that your dog is planning a revolt.
16. Spy on your dog's activity for week, doing nothing else.
17. When co-workers enquire about your absence from work, calmly explain that you are observing your dog for revolutionary behavior.
18. You will likely be fired. 
19. Use your severance pay to purchase a lakehouse. 
20. Name your newly purchased lakehouse 'Doreen'.
21. Refer to it only as Doreen and demand everyone you know do so.
22. Eventually weave Doreen into every conversation you have.
23. At some point, it will be all you ever talk about.
24. Attempt to return to work. I'm sure they will let you back.

How To: Grow Wings With Art Ester

It's nice to have wings, much easier than walking - legs, which require more upkeep (as I'm sure you know!) Follow these easy steps and you'll be flying high in no time! Here's what you'll need:

1. Lack of Self Respect
2. A dozen eggs

OK! Let's get going then, eh? Less walk, more talk, am I right?

1. Close your eyes and reach out your arms. Then open and close your fingers. At some point, no matter what, you will likely snatch some wings (though I can't guarantee, by any means,  you will come across wings this way). 
2. In your closed eye wing-seeking journey, you may perish. 
3. If you perish before finding wings, CONGRATS! you now do not even need wings. 
4. If you DO find some, strap them to your back using some twine or ligaments.
5. You can't find ligaments nearby? Really? Thought those would be easy to come by. Try the closed-eye, wild grabbing method again. That might do the trick. 
6. .........Is anyone alive still? I really thought steps 1-5 would have killed most of you off. Well, if by some miracle you're still alive, I would just head on home. You've had quite a day. 

How To: Write a New Song

Ingredients list: 

1. A corpse (or two, three is TOO MANY)
2. A corpse (did I mention that one? Make sure you get one of those)

Let's get writing! Everyone these days thinks they can write a song, just like my Dad said he knew how to raise a son. But we know how that went. 

1. Take the corpse out of storage.
2. Make sure it's dead.
3. Bring it back to life.
4. Warm up some pizza.
5. Complete a 1,000 piece puzzle with your newly reanimated friend. 
6. Let him borrow the car tonight (please just this once?? Dana is having a party and her parents will DEFINITELY be there, I promise!)
7. Show up at Dana's unexpectedly. 
8. March up to the stereo, haughty and with great purpose, and turn it off before yelling, "You're all in big trouble now!"
9. Drive your newly reanimated friend home in stony silence. 
10. Yell "Michael, please, I just want to talk -----" before being interrupted by a slamming door. 
11. Try knocking on the locked door several times, only hearing "Leave me alone! I hate you!", amid his Nirvana vinyl turned up full blast.
12. Finish the puzzle by yourself, sighing and looking into the middle distance as sappy music plays. 

How To: Steal A Panda Bear By Mark Volinski

Materials list: 

1. A crate of viscous liquid (better if it's smelly)
2. A pulled pork sandwich (NO CHEESE on it, c'mon.)
3. three mostly shaven mice (optional)

Great! Are you ready? Let's do this! Panda Bears are pretty easy to steal, but PAY ATTENTION! They are very skilled at deception and will swipe your wallet right out from under your nose! So best to leave that wallet at home with your trustworthy dog or panther.

1.  Wash your feet. Are you just letting water run over them in the shower? That doesn't count! Get in there and wash those little piggies (toes). 
2. Don't ever call toes little piggies. It's not cute. I did it ironically in a cool and "hip" way. 
3. Unload the viscous liquid from the crate. It will be used to trap the monster. 
4. Once you have a couple of handfuls of the liquid in your pockets, set forth to your local zoo. (See why you left your wallet at home? Bet you didn't see that one coming.)
5. Sedate the Zookeepers. This is best done with some Weed. They will then be docile, distracted, and looking at the monkeys. 
6. Slap some of that liquid on your eyes. This will disorient and anger you enough into following through with this. 
7. Jump into that Panda Bear cage sputtering and confused on account of all that viscous liquid on your face. 
8. The Panda Bear will likely attack. 
9. Hmmm. Kind of hit a dead end here huh? This doesn't seem to be heading in the right direction. I think I left my notes somewhere....I'll be right back. I promise I'll make sure I get you out of this. 
10. (Never Returns)

How To: Make a Thanksgiving Dinner by Mark Volinski

You'll need:

1. A Round Egg (OK if it smells a little).
2. Chairs (Should be stolen)
3. A Longing for the Great Oblivion

OK, now that we have our ingredients, let's get cooking. 

1. Take off that clown makeup; we'll need you looking your best for this.
2. Put the makeup back on.
3. Start thawing a 15-20 lb turkey in a large bowl. 
4. Call your mother.
5. Once she gets on your nerves again about how your clown career is failing, curse angrily at her and violently throw your phone against the wall so it smashes spectacularly into little pieces. 
6. Curse yourself for your utter lack of self control. 
7. Go to the bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror with a distinct sense of dread and self-hatred for 20-25 minutes.
8. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. 
9. Throw out the turkey; did you really think you were capable of creating something worthwhile? You are an incapable loser.
10. Walk over to the neighbors house and "borrow" their shovel. 
11. Dig haphazardly and furiously until you can no longer stay conscious. 
12. Collapse in a heap into your half-dug hole. 
13. Wait until this whole thing blows over. 
14. When the neighbor comes asking about their shovel, be VERY CLEAR it is not the one you are brandishing at them menacingly. 
15. When they insist it is their shovel, make sure they UNDERSTAND WHOSE SHOVEL IT REALLY IS. 
16. Make sure you turned off the oven; it can be dangerous leaving that thing on. 

How to: Boil Clams by Anonymous

A step by step guide: 

1. Purchase 3 lbs. raw clams
2. Sit them down and give them a good talking-to. 
3. When AND ONLY WHEN they have shown remorse for their crimes (they'll know what they've done), drop them in a pot of water. 
4. Set the water on high heat, and season with salt. 
5. Leave the house for a few days.
6. Sign the title deed to your house over to the clams; let's face it they deserve it far more than you anyway. 
7. Have the clams form a representative democracy complete with a legislative, executive, and judicial branch. 
8. Beg the clam-ocracy to let you back into your former home. 
9. Once inside, curl up into a ball and sob uncontrollably for hours. 
10. Serve with a nice side of mashed potatoes. 

How To: Mail a Package with Art Ester

Part 387 in a Long Running Series

"Everyone that has ever loved me has left me!" If that's how you also feel after 7 minutes waiting in line at a post office, you're in the right place. Post Offices are evil cathedrals of misery. Their mere presence draws all sadness to them, like black holes. However, I have discovered a way to circumvent these death-traps. 

Here's what you'll need. 

1. Four Stamps
2. Eleven Envelopes
3. A Thorough Understanding of Your Town's Sewer Systems. 

Once you can navigate every tunnel and have formed a tolerable level  of friendship with your local Mole - People Representative, you are ready to send your first package! 

Standard Mailing Procedure(s): 

1. Figure out what you are mailing. Tip: Things that are alive or made of water generally require extra stamps.
2. If you are dead-set on keeping your limbs, skip down to step 7. If you are OK losing a couple of non-essential extremities, please continue on to Step 3. 
3. Gently coerce three to five friends to write you letters detailing their thoughts on you. 
4. Tell them, 'Don't worry about my feelings, please; be totally honest!' but not mean it in the slightest.     
5. Become deeply offended when you receive their scathing accounts of your character.
6. Attempt to cheerfully tell them you appreciated their letters but only manage to break down into hysterical fits of sobbing. 
7. Abandon mailing your package, you cannot possibly hope to get out of The Sewers with all of your limbs. If you did your research (like I told you to) you would know this. 
8. You know what? Just forget it. I can't help you if you're not going to listen. On top of it you've probably also done serious damage to the human - Mole People alliance that has been carefully cultivated over the decades. Actually I am almost sure you did, if your general attitude mirrors your obviously poor reading ability.

How To: Yo-Yo with George Winston

Oh hi there How-To'ers! Didn't see ya there, foaming at the mouth for some How -To expertise. Well don't worry folks, big ole nasty GW is here to dispense some How -To wisdom on your meek little asses. I've been putting off this topic for a while, because we all know this one's a doozy; controversial at best, and downright scary at its worst. I'm of course speaking of the magical and mythical world of Yo-yo-ing. Now I know what you're thinking....how can I yo-yo successfully and hold down a full time job? That friend, is a question that has puzzled man for many ages, and I am humble enough to admit I won't be the first to solve it. That's what scientists are for. I do however, know how to "yo". First, let's see what we'll need:

1. 70 large glow-in-the-dark Yo-yos. 
2. Medium sized group of priests (17 works best)
3. The color yellow (NOT purple. NEVER purple!)

OK, let's get into it. First, 

1. Place your yo-yo on the nearest slanted surface. 
2. Stare at it. If it levitates, you are most likely a wizard. 
3. If you are a wizard, purchase long robes and a tower. 
4. DON'T use wizardrentals.com. It seems fine at first but God is it tacky.
5. If you are not a wizard, I apologize. I didn't mean to get your hopes up. Magic powers are really awesome. There's probably nothing in the universe that's cooler. Think of how close you just came to being a powerful demigod capable of bending space and time! You thought maybe, just maybe, this was your big break. Well sorry to break it to you buster but last Saturday when you finished second in mini golf and made that sweet hole in one is it for you. That's as good as it's gonna get. How do I know, you ask? Well, I could be a wizard, and they know everything! How do you know I'm not? Unless you're also also a wizard. Didn't think about that. 
6. Are you still reading this? We're done. I don't care if you learned anything. What was the topic again? This medication makes me dizzy. 

How To: Set A Bear Trap with Art Ester

Part 381 In a Long Running Series

Who wants to learn how to properly set a bear trap?! If you didn't scream 'Yes!' then you're probably stuck in a bear trap screaming for someone to help free you. Unfortunately that 'How - To' lesson is for another day, so you'll have to wait. 

Is there anything more frustrating than setting a bear trap? Well maybe trying to kill all those spiders that have taken over your home, but this has to be in your top five frustrations. Anyway, on to the steps and keep those fan letters coming, your hatred fuels me!

1. Firmly grasp the bear trap with two hands and depress the spring in the center of the trap. This will cause the jaws to slowly pry open.

2. Kneel on the ground and gently place the agape trap on a flat surface.

3. Cover the trap in leaves to blend it in with the surroundings.

4. Quietly sneak away from the trap like you are tip toeing through a house you are about to rob.

5. Walk over to that "fan's" house that wrote that rude letter and tell him you appreciate the feedback and have a gift to convey your gratitude.

How To: Make a Stinky Pirate by Anonymous

1. Grab a pint of gin.

2. Wrestle with it for a minute or two.

3. Ask it for its birthday.

4. When it responds, reject its answer.

5. Assign it whatever fucking birthday you want.

6. On that day next year, throw out the pint of gin, and curse yourself.

7. You should stop drinking, you embarrassment.

How To: Worship with Art Ester

Part 379 in the long running series

Howdy How-Toers! Your old friend AE is back here again! Ready to dispense some wisdom in the form of weird lists. Today's topic is Worship. God is scary. You gotta know how to deal with him. Lucky for you I am the foremost expert on eternal, omniscient beings. Before we get to the steps, Let's look at what we'll need.

1. 3 largish women, of various race - (careful, midgets will not work in this case)                
2. Just enough peanut butter - (if you don't know how much I can't help you)                          
3. A Scottish Terrier with an aggressive temperament

Now we are ready to DIY! Now remember gods can be fickle creatures. Say their special poem wrong and you WILL be damned to eternal hell. They don't "fuck around", as the kids say.  Each step will need to be followed exactly for the god to be properly dealt with. 

1. Read their special book - They are very conscious of their book's sales figures. The Q'uran is the most 'happening' version, at the moment. 
2. Don't go to congregation - Why waste time on the weekends? You could be drinking. 
3. Make your own religion - Shows you aren't their bitch. Game recognizes game. All you need is a van, a megaphone, and some paint. (creepy white suit is advisable, but strictly optional)
4. Tell other people your views - People love hearing about how you 'aren't totally sure if theres a single god, but more of this kind of universal energy, that inhabits and connects all of us, you know? You ever think about it like that?' Goddam hippies. 
5. Bathe in blood - I'm pretty sure this is right. Honestly I'm fuzzy on the logistics for this one.