How To: Steal A Panda Bear By Mark Volinski
Materials list:
- A crate of viscous liquid (better if it's smelly)
- A pulled pork sandwich (NO CHEESE on it, c'mon.)
- three mostly shaven mice (optional)
Great! Are you ready? Let's do this! Panda Bears are pretty easy to steal, but PAY ATTENTION! They are very skilled at deception and will swipe your wallet right out from under your nose! So best to leave that wallet at home with your trustworthy dog or panther.
- Wash your feet. Are you just letting water run over them in the shower? That doesn't count! Get in there and wash those little piggies (toes).
- Don't ever call toes little piggies. It's not cute. I did it ironically in a cool and "hip" way.
- Unload the viscous liquid from the crate. It will be used to trap the monster.
- Once you have a couple of handfuls of the liquid in your pockets, set forth to your local zoo. (See why you left your wallet at home? Bet you didn't see that one coming.)
- Sedate the Zookeepers. This is best done with some Weed. They will then be docile, distracted, and looking at the monkeys.
- Slap some of that liquid on your eyes. This will disorient and anger you enough into following through with this.
- Jump into that Panda Bear cage sputtering and confused on account of all that viscous liquid on your face.
- The Panda Bear will likely attack.
- Hmmm. Kind of hit a dead end here huh? This doesn't seem to be heading in the right direction. I think I left my notes somewhere....I'll be right back. I promise I'll make sure I get you out of this.
- (Never Returns)