How To: Make a President with George Winston (and Keanu Reeves)

Hey ding dongs, are you upset with your leader? Do you think they’re a scoundrel, or not your kind of scoundrel? Well, no need to fret! You can simply prepare your very own president, as one does a steaming batch of cookies, or a hot pot of porcupine stew. These instructions have been passed down from my grandpappy to my pappy, and then my pappy buried them in the backyard in the dead of night, warning that if I ever dug them up, our family would be cursed for generations. Luckily, 14 year old me was a rapacious scallywag, and I exhumed these damnable directions.

You’ll need:

1. Wire

2. Feathers

3. Bones (preferably the weasel variety)

Let’s get cooking!

1. Set up the wires in the shape of a human.

2. Set the bones on the wires. You can use your own spit as adhesive***

   ***This will not work. But your hands are now mighty gooey. You’re welcome.

3. Any president needs a good story. Watch movies for this.

4. “Speed” is a solid movie. Can’t go wrong with Keanu, am I right?

5. You will come to the natural conclusion that Keanu should be president.

6. Give Keanu’s agent a call.

7. They will not respond.

8. No matter. It is well known that Keanu Reeves’ headquarters is at the Arby’s in Los Angeles.

9. No, not that Arby’s.

10. Not that one either.

11. Nope. Wow, there’s way more Arby’s than you would think in LA.

12. It’s the one with the spaceship parked outside. Yes, Keanu Reeves has a spaceship.

13. Of course Keanu Reeves has a spaceship. What, do you think he drives a Corolla**, like the rest of us?

    **He also has a Corolla. It is tan. You like tan now.

14. Go in and sit at Keanu’s table. He will be expecting you.

15. Stare into his hazelnut eyes, and lose yourself in their depths.

16. Congratulations. You now know the future, as well as all of the secrets of the universe.

17. Simply nod, knowingly, at Keanu. He will nod back, also very knowingly.

18. Slap down a fiver so he can get a sandwich. He carries no money, and will be very hungry.

19. Satisfied by the knowledge that Mr. Reeves has imparted on you, you realize your search for a President was silly. The President was inside you all along.

20. Just kidding. Fuck that hippie crap. Electrify them bones! Remember step 2? Plug the wired-up bones into a string of car batteries.

21. The weasel bones will leap to life, and speak an ancient, unknowable language to you in a jangly, booming voice.

22. The words themselves will be meaningless, but after hearing them you will spontaneously break out in applause. He’s a natural.

23. Go to your local Town Office and have Ole Weasel Bones fill out an application to run for Town Council. Everybody has to start somewhere, even bone beasts.

24. The nice lady at the desk will politely remind you that Mr. Bones needs a Driver’s License.

25. Weasel Bones will speak again, and the lady will drop her requirement, in thrall to his antediluvian speech.

26. Buy Weasel Bones a nice suit, and set up some events for him, like “Eating Something Disgusting at a Local Event”, and “Being Uncomfortable Around Other People’s Children”.

27. He will be a smashing success, and cruise to victory, even though he could technically not eat the Deep Fried Bacon Butter Chicken Corn Dog Pie that he purchased at Mama’s Meat Hole, as he has no organs.

How To: Make Your Own Drugs with Art Ester

Howdy hey there how-toers! I know we’re all gettin’ a little antsy, being stuck inside with all the electric oozes and sexy beetles and the like rampaging outside. Well, no fear, because there’s a easy way for all of us to relax. Do you go to the pharmacy for your drugs? Boring! That’s got none of the fun, or seizures that the joy of making your own medications can provide. Believe me, I make all my own pharmaceuticals and I am fit as a fiddle! In that, my body produces many noises.

Materials List:

1. Mortar and Pestle

2. Pez

3. Pok-pok eggs

Let’s get started!

1. The most important ingredient are the Pok-pok eggs, from the Pok-pok bird. Their nests can be found at the tops of tall Spike trees.

2. You’re going to want gloves to climb the spike trees. Steel gloves.

3. Don’t have a steel glove vendor handy? That’s fine, you’re hands may just get a little…bleedy. But don’t despair your homemade pharmaceuticals will solve all that.

4. Sojourn to the very top of one of these massive trees, and gently pluck 5 to 7 of the rainbow colored eggs from the Pok-pok’s nest.

5. Momma pok-pok will not be happy, and will attack.

6. Did you bring goggles? Momma pok-poks go for the eyes.

7. Oh I didn’t have goggles on the “materials list?” Well now, there’s no need for snark.

8. Don’t worry about the Pok-poks. Females lay new eggs every twelve years or so, so they’ll be just fine.

9. Once you get back to your disgusting domicile, crush some pez in your mortar and pestle. It is a well known fact that all drugs are mostly made of Pez, a chalk-like candy that was popular with loser children in 1914.

10. Crack a pok-pok egg into your pez mixture, and mix thoroughly. Eat the rainbow shell; it has unparalleled hallucinogenic properties***.

    ***This is because it is poisonous.

11. Once you have your egg and pez powder all mixed, place it in tiny pill molds and allow it to set for 6-8 hours.

12. Find a cat or dog to pet in the meantime, I promise it will be super neat as the pok-pok egg wraps its way around your mind like a wet blanket.

13. Once the pills are set, you’re in business! Now be sure to sell your wildly overpriced drugs to your most gullible and vain acquaintances.****

    ****TOP TIP: Explain to your friends that your “exclusive luxury pills” are only available for $4,000 apiece, and that they are how Brad Pitt keeps his skin so taut.

How To: Make Galaxy Dip with George Winston

Oh hey there you sloppy dingbats. Have you run out of recipes to impress your thrice-weekly checkers opponent Salty, the Korean war veteran who is too interested in your feet? Well I know why: you’ve been buying boring snacks. Why pay $1.89 for salsa that will make Salty sad? Salty deserves more. Also a good dip will help distract him from your feet.

You’ll need:

1. Tangerines

2. Broth

3. Metal

Let’s get cracking, cracky!

1. Galaxy dip is an 87 layer dip, consisting mostly of theoretical ingredients.

2. The first 60 layers come from your mind.

3. In a large mixing bowl, do nothing. Simply put it on a table, and sit across from it.

4. Think extra hard** about what ingredients you need.

   **TOP TIP: Ultra Premium Thinking Caps are available on my exclusive website for only $4,589.45.

5. If you thought hard enough, the ingredients should appear, pre-mixed, in the bowl.

6. If you DIDN’T think hard enough, think hard about why you didn’t think hard enough. Maybe you just need a Ultra Premium Thinking Cap, hmmmm? They’re available for a paltry $4,589.45.

7. Invite over Terry, the football player from high school who bullied you but then told you all his secrets before crying on your shoulder that one time.

8. Tell Terry if there are any more secrets, now is the perfect time to share.

9. He will begin bawling again.

10. Pat his back, saying ‘there, there’, distracting him with appropriate crying responses, while you collect his tears in a vial.

11. Do you have pizza? Great. Throw it in the bowl.

12. Mash the pizza into a fine pizza-paste.

13. Add a layer of BBQ sauce, then a layer of sprinkles.

14. Mix thoroughly.

15. Once it looks like the throw up from your twelfth birthday party, congrats! You’re nearly there.

16. Add Terry’s tears, slowly.

17. Whilst adding the tears, there is a 43% chance that the tears catalyze a reaction that will teleport the dip to your friend Fran’s house.

18. If this happens, head over to Fran’s and mention your dip is likely in her house.

19. She will greet you warmly, as the dip will have been teleported all over her TV screen.

20. Using a spatula, recover your dip. It will now have a fine layer of e-dust in it, adding a satisfying crunch.

21. The next 45 ingredients are on Mars.

22. You’ll need a ride. Check your local bus schedules; they should have a Mars bus every other Wednesday.

23. If they don’t, they’re really not a self respecting bus company. What about all of the interplanetary commuters?? What are they, chopped liver?

24. You’ll just have to get to Mars yourself then. Simply break into Elon Musk’s house.

25. It is well known that Elon Musk’s toilet drops you off directly at Mars.

26. Jam yourself into his massive space toilet, and flush.

27. Once on Mars, find and talk to Steve. He runs the Space Commissary. Let him know at once you are making Galaxy Dip.

28. Lazily smoking a space cigarette, Steve will grumpily hand over the ingredients and wheeze that “space ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

29. He will start rambling about the mechanical failures of their base on Mars. Start to back away slowly, saying things like “So frustrating” and “I KNOW!”, before eventually escaping back to the toilet.

30. Back at the checkers game, proudly present your hard-won dip to Salty.

31. Salty, confused, will ask “Where’s the salsa? I wanted salsa.”

How To: Build a Jetpack with Art Ester

Hi Diddly Ho there How-toers! Art Ester here with some tips on how to get you and yours out of whatever hellscape your local area has turned into. Personally, my own domicile has been inundated with sexy beetles and I can no longer function. I spend all my days now trying to convince them to make love to me, but they refuse. They merely bat their naughty little beetle wings at me. So, I must leave immediately, before these insects drive me mad. Luckily, it is easy to escape. Simply construct a jetpack and blast your way out of there!

You’ll need:

1. Pasteurized Cheese Product

2. Dynamite

3. Backpack

Let’s get you strapped into your own personal rocket!

1. You’ll need to get your hands on some dynamite. This is easy, as long as you have a second cousin. ALL second cousins have a brother who has dynamite for some murky reason.

2. Use the dynamite to blow up your existing house. You won’t be needing it any more! You’ll be on your way to some exotic land in mere minutes. Save a little bit of dynamite for later.

3. Explain to your horrified neighbors that you are just doing some maintenance on your home, as the blast sends all of their fine china crashing to their floors. Remind them condescendingly that they never used that fine china anyway so what’s the loss really?

4. They will mutter something about “idiot” under their breath.

5. Ignore them. They are merely simpletons who do not understand science.

6. Secure a backpack. You can purchase one from your local Wal-Mart for $12.99, but you can usually haggle them down. Just call over a sales associate and throw out another price. 25 cents is a good starting point.

7. The sales associate will sigh loudly, put their head in their hands, and calmly explain that you cannot haggle at Wal-Mart.

8. Argue back that you are buying it for Little Johnny, who is very sick, definitely NOT to make a jetpack.

9. The sales associate will sigh again and mutter something like “idiot” under their breath.

10. Ignore them. They do not understand science either.

11. Pay the $12.99 with ONLY nickels, and pick up some Pasteurized Cheese Product as well. You must use Pasteurized Cheese Product, not cheese. Pasteurized Cheese Product contains 99% fake milk goo, which is highly explosive and critical to catalyze the reaction.

12. Grab your goods and run from the store, screaming “Little Johnny needs his backpack!!” over and over again.

13. You showed them, didn’t you.

14. Once you are back at your house-crater, fill the backpack with the remaining dynamite, and pour Pasteurized Cheese Product all over it. You’ll need to test how the reaction works before you strap in, so stand well back, and wait.

15. Nothing happened? Did you check the expiration date on the Cheese Product?

16. Well if its expired, that’s on you, not me.

17. Curl up in your crater, and fall asleep under the stars. Isn’t that better than a dumb roof anyway?

How To: Govern an Island with George Winston

I know what you poor bastards are thinking. I think it every day before I drink my cup a’ joe: Why aren’t I the leader of a tiny spit of land in the middle of the Pacific, thousands of miles away from the nearest human settlement? Well, dum dum, wonder no more. Follow these 25 steps, and you no longer have to worry about your annoying landlord banging on your door in the middle of the night, begging you to stop playing your sousaphone. Next week they’ll probably ask you to stop raising chickens in your apartment! This is why you need your own country.

Materials List:

1. Boat

2. Grape Soda

3. Wild Overestimation of your Leadership Skills

Let’s get you your own monarchy!

1. You’ll need to recruit people for your island. This should not be difficult; simply ask strangers what they’d like, and promise them that that specific thing is available ONLY on your island.

2. You’ll need a boat. You can find a boat at any marina, they’re chock full of ‘em. Merely distract the marina guard with a plate of cold cuts. While they are happily munching on the sliced meats, you can pilfer a small vessel, just large enough to hold you and your devoted followers.

3. Set sail. Any body of water is fine. Most have land in them somewhere. If you get lost at sea, perfect! You’ll need an uninhabited island, which aren’t usually on maps anyway.

4. Uh oh, you are REALLY lost at sea.

5. Did you bring enough beef jerky for everyone?

6. You didn’t bring ANY beef jerky? What did you bring?

7. You only brought grape soda?

8. That’s ok. Most people like grape soda.

9. Pass out the sodas.

10. Oops. You didn’t bring one for Phyllis.

11. Phyllis will react violently to your oversight, challenging you to a bare knuckle brawl for leadership of crew.

12. Phyllis will easily best you in hand to hand combat, and take over as leader.

13. Curse yourself for only buying a twelve pack.

14. In your defense, buying Phyllis an individual soda would NOT have been cost effective.

15. Phyllis will suddenly spot land.

16. Roll your eyes and sarcastically say “Great job, Phyllis. Not like I did most of the work with the boat and the soda. No, let’s all clap for Phyllis.” Then clap sarcastically. You may loll your tongue out of your mouth and move your head from side to side while doing so for added sarcastic effect.

17. Everyone will stare at you.

18. Say “what?” to stony silence.

19. Phyllis will lead the boat to shore, standing at the helm triumphantly.

20. Someone will note how leaderly she looks.

21. Stand up, mimicking her stance, and loll your tongue again in extreme sarcasm, saying “look at me, I’m Phyllis. I’m a big leader person.”

22. More stony silence.

23. Once you make landfall, Phyllis will establish a fair and equitable republic that will endure for thousands of years.

24. You will spitefully open up a small oddity shop on the far side of the island, selling misshapen rocks with crude faces painted on them.

25. You will turn a small profit, as parents take their children to your shop to show them “the stupid person who didn’t buy enough soda,” and purchase a rock that their child will forget about instantly.

How To: Make Spam Soup with Art Ester

Are you overwhelmed by the amount of Spam you bought? As in physically overwhelmed, as in, you cannot move inside your domicile because you are crushed by the weight of thousands and thousands of spam cans? Well fear not, intrepid tinned-meat lover, because we are about to dive into some fun, flavorful ways to reduce the weight of all of that canned goodness on your chest.

You’ll need:

1. Spam

2. An aunt

3. An ancient ghost

Let’s get going!

1. First, you’ll want to call your weirdest aunt. The one who lives in the woods. I guarantee you she knows how to make spam soup.

2. She might berate you for not calling her for 8 years.

3. Once the verbal lashing is over, she’ll happily turn over her recipe.

4. Oh wow. There’s a lot of witch stuff in this.

5. The recipe will demand a porcupine and a Rosie O’Donnell.

6. The porcupine is just there to watch; Rosie will have to perform the incantation.

7. The Rosie O’Donnell part is actually pretty easy; she has a house only a few doors down from your aunt, and they belong to the same Witch Club.

8. Rosie will refuse at first, as your aunt and her had a spat over whose robes were the witchiest at the last summoning. Fortunately, Rosie can be tempted into agreeing by promising her an extra two helpings of Soup.

9. Ask your aunt and Rosie to spread the word to the Witch Club to meet in the middle of the woods at the next harvest moon.

10. Be sure Rosie brings her nice cauldron, not the cheap one used for weekday spells. Conjuring spam soup requires ancient, evil magic, and will easily split a cheap cauldron.

11. Gather the witches round, and place several dozen tins of Spam in the cauldron.

12. Ensure the porcupine is watching. You can entice him with a nut or sliver of spam.

13. Your aunt should use her Evil spellbook, turning to the ‘blood magic’ section.

14. Rosie, AND ONLY ROSIE, can recite the incantation. Her booming voice will reach the spirits necessary to create a thick, rich Spam soup.

15. The spell, when spoken, will echo through the trees, and all will become silent for a moment.

16. A mighty, frozen wind will rip through the crowd as a giant, hideous ghost appears above the soup. It will bear a staff in one hand, the other hand a gnarled claw, poking through tattered robes, twirling out unknown magic with slight movements of its evil fingers.

17. It will speak out, impossibly loud and with a gnashing, horrible voice: “BEWARE, all gathered here. Your soup breaks all known laws of nature. You may enjoy it now, but its creation will rip through the fabric of time. You may never rest easy again. ALSO, I added a bit of paprika. I think you’ll find it adds that special something.”

18. The ghost will disappear through a zipper in space-time, but not before several demons sneak through the gash, wielding bowls.

19. The forest will shudder, and all will become calm again.

20. The soup really does smell fantastic, its pink, oozy goodness wafting through the eager crowd.

21. Remind the soup-seeking demons that they have to wait in line like everyone else.

How To: Make Cheese with George Winston

Hey ya fat slugs, get ready for a big ole steaming helping of Georgie Winston, here to help you with the epidemic that is sweeping the nation. Of course, I am talking about EXORBITANT CHEESE PRICES. Why, I personally spend nearly double my paycheck on just cheese! But don’t you worry your ugly little heads any more. I’ve been mixing milk with mold for years, sometimes on purpose.

You’ll need:

• nut-beer

• a mammal

• top hat

Let’s get cultured!

1. Now, lots of people say they prefer cow, goat’s, or sheep’s cheese. Do not listen to them. The only way to make your name in the cheese biz is to branch out! Try a fun animal.

2. Most animals can produce milk.***

   ***TOP TIP: If the animal has the same amount of eyes as you, it can be milked.

3. I personally like to use squirrels. They are plentiful, and their milk has a strong, nutty flavor that helps you relax after a long day milking squirrels.

4. Entice the squirrels into your home using a ‘FREE NUTS’ sign. Squirrels are the only mammal that can read english*** so they will understand this and come running.

   ***Wombats can speak english, but not read it.

5. Once you have a healthy number of squirrels in your home, you have to make sure the lady squirrels will lactate. This means you have to get them fucking.

6. It’s pretty easy to get squirrels to copulate with each other. You just have to simulate a tree. This can be done by purchasing a large top hat, and cutting a hole through the middle.

7. Pop the hat on, stick your arms out, and voila! You now have a cozy den inside your hat. The squirrels will rush up your body for their chance at the fuckhat.

8. There may be…a bit of a squabble to get into the fuckhat. To create some order, ask the squirrels to line up in order of sexiness.

9. This may cause another squabble.

10. Give out a round of nut-beer to de-escalate the situation. Serve it adorably in bottle caps.

11. Have a glass or two yourself. After all, you’ve had quite a long day.

12. Cavort with your new squirrel pals deep into the night and early morning, swapping stories about stealing grapes from picnics and arguing about what pinecones are.

13. Awake with a start as you realize you are not any closer to making cheese, disturbing the 3-5 squirrels who were peacefully snoozing on you.

14. They will chatter at you for more nut-beer, having become hooked on the stuff.

15. Calmly explain that you will have more by the evening, but it takes time to brew.

16. Coming to the obvious conclusion that drunk squirrels will make you more money than terrible cheese, forget that whole cheese business.

17. Put a sign on your lawn saying ‘Drunk Squirrel Party, $5’ and let tourists swing by for ten minutes a pop.

How To: Cure Hot Dog Sickness with Art Ester

Howdy hey there how-toers! I’ve been getting some emails concerning some residents that have fallen ill after consuming Seb Wheeler’s signature “Ham Hill dogs” at Ham Hill Long Stockings games. The worrying ailment seems to be caused by the stunning variety of meats that are used in the dog. I gotta say though, you can’t blame the dogs! It’s the exotic meats that give them their signature, evil flavor. I had a dozen at the last ball-game, and I feel fit as a fiddle! Why, I’ve nearly gone to the bathroom this week. As a highly accredited scientist-doctor***, I can tell you with full confidence how to cure you and your digestive system of any hot-dog based ailments.

***Opposite of this.

Materials list:

• Feathers

• Glue

• Mayonnaise

Well then, let’s hop to it!

1. First, you need to age your mayonnaise. It’s not going to do you any good all fresh. Place it in the sun for aging.

2. It’ll take a few days for the mayonnaise to reach maximum health-increasing properties. During this time you’ll want to perform an important ritual known as Dance of the Ancient Bird. This Dance will heal your Spirit, and thusly your Sickness.

3. First you need to become birdlike, to attract the Ancient Bird. Start by gluing many, many feathers to yourself.***

   ***TOP TIP: You’ll know you have enough feathers when your roommate walks in, sees you, and screams.

4. Check on your mayo. If its aroma does not physically startle you, it is not ready.

5. Try to kill more time while the mayo ripens. This should be easy, as your roommate will likely start arguing with you about their trivial, human concerns such as ‘why is there a tub of mayonnaise on the fire escape’ and ‘what have you been doing with the rent money, the landlord is saying they haven’t gotten it in three months’.

6. After a protracted yelling match with your housemates, clamber to your rooftop with your feathers on, mayo in hand.

7. Take a big gulp of your aged mayo.

8. The mayo should kick in after a few moments, and you will suddenly feel very….different. You will definitely feel like shouting.

9. Direct your shouts to the sky, and wait for the Great Ancient Bird to respond.

10. After a moment or two, A great gash should open in the sky, accompanied by suitably dramatic lightning bolts. A confused frog or two may also rain down.

11. Through the gash, a massive, strange bird-like creature will appear. It will look like if an enormous peacock was being electrocuted.

12. Be sure to smear some mayo on your ears at this point.

13. Ask the Ancient Bird to heal your hot dog-related ailments. It cannot heal other maladies, so don’t even try. It may lash out and shoot an electric feather at you.

14. The Bird will issue you commands in its terrible LANGUAGE OF THE DEAD. It will be unbearable, unless you have your mayonnaise safely applied.

15. The hot dogs will be immediately expelled from your bowels.

16. The Bird will then vanish as soon as it appeared.

17. Congrats, you’re cured! Clamber back down to celebrate with your roommates. I’m sure they will be thrilled to see you. Maybe squeeze in a shower.

How To: Create a Holiday with George Winston

Whoa! Didn’t see you there. Probably because I am a large, consequential man of great import, and you are a tiny, meaningless whelp. Is “whelp” an insult? I don’t know, but doesn’t it sound like one? You probably feel bad, and that’s the whole point. Anyhoo, in honor of the Month With The Madeup Holiday, big ole GW is gonna tell y’all how to make yer very own holiday, from scratch! It’s pretty easy. All you need is:

1. Bees

2. Bees

3. Bees!

You see, the real work is making your fake holiday seem like it means something, even when it obviously doesn’t. Did you know St. Valentine was actually a mechanic from Topeka? Well he wasn’t, but he could have been! You don’t have a fucking clue who Valentine was, or why his day makes you want to throw up.

Let’s get started!

1. First, you need a Mascot. It should be either good-hearted, like the Easter Bunny, or evil, like Santa Claus. Nothing in-between. That’s why no one likes Groundhog’s Day.

2. Pick some sort of magical animal for your Mascot. People like magical animals more than magical people, because magical animals don’t invade their homes or have binders full of their children’s’ names.

3. The animal should be original. Obviously some of the popular ones are already taken. It should also be somewhat menacing. REMEMBER: Children should fear the mascot, a little. They have to respect it, so they can be good during the holiday to give their parents a goddam break for five minutes. Here is a fun list of suggestions:

   -The Winter Scorpion

   -The Autumn Bat

   -The February Oyster

   -The May Giant African Land Snail

4. Once your Mascot is decided, construct an elaborate outfit so you can strut around town as it, to build publicity.

5. Publicity is best built by you leaping from progressively higher buildings into progressively more viscous fluids, in costume.

6. Once you’ve leaped from Town Hall into a pool of molten Velveeta, you know your holiday is ready for the big time.

7. Townspeople will likely gather round you, asking questions like “What are you supposed to be?” and “Why are you on my roof?”

8. This is perfect. Answer all questions with “You’ll find out. Soon enough. Look to the East, on March 14th!”

9. Bound away, cackling maniacally.

10. On March 14th, dress again in your Mascot Costume, and pay several children $5 each to do the same.

11. Leap from the brush outside a popular bakery with your Mascot Squad, to the “delight” of customers grabbing their breakfast.

12. Their delight may include screaming. This is normal! They are just very excited about your special new day.

How To: Save Money with Art Ester

Hey-dilly-oh How-Toers! Wow, is it January already? How thrilling!! I’m sure you, like me, spent all of your money on buying your relatives Goose Traps for Christmas, and are looking for a way to start saving those hard-earned pennies. The first step is simple: stop earning pennies! Those are worthless.

You’ll need:

• Leftover Goose Traps

• Cheese

• A hefty man

Let’s get right to it.

1. Let’s level with each other here. We all spent our life savings on Goose Traps for all our friends and relatives, which were promptly re-gifted back to you.

2. No matter! Those are top-of-the-line Goose Traps you bought. Unless you got the knock-off ones, like I did, which are made of ash and fall apart in your hands.

3. If you DIDN’T buy the ones made of ash, set your Goose Traps up outside your house, and wait for the bounty to roll in. You will soon recoup all of those lost pennies and can begin your empire anew.

4. Set each trap with a block of cheese, and wait. It is a good idea to watch the traps from a secure but private location, like a neighbor’s bathroom.

5. It is very smart to do a Goose Call to attract more High Quality Geese. The perfect Goose Call is one where your throat hurts a lot after. Keep practicing! This can be done from a neighbor’s roof, or the line at the deli.

6. Pay a hefty man to watch the traps for you, as geese are unpredictable and testy. Hefty men can best be found in any sandwich shop near you, and can be enticed with free meat and rolls of quarters.

7. After your hefty man is full of meat, ensure he stays at his post near the geese traps. He will need to be vigilant, as the Geese Traps may only hold a Goose for a few moments.

8. If you are not in a Geese-Heavy region, the traps will probably just attract loads of cockroaches or other assorted vermin.

9. This is good too! Cockroach and rat meat is highly valuable to a small but strange coterie of investors.

10. Have your hefty man collect as many vermin as he can carry in his burly arms. It is preferable to keep them alive, as the vermin investors are more picky than you might imagine.

11. Keep the vermin in your home. Feed them garbage to ensure they are plump and strong for resale.

12. Oops. They escaped.

13. It’s ok! Just go get some feral cats to deal with the problem. See if hefty man is still available.

14. Using a similar method as you did for the vermin, but with tuna fish, collect 5-12 feral cats from your local area.

15. If they have tags, they are someone else’s cat. That is also fine.

16. Let them loose in your dwelling to deal with the vermin issue.

17. You might want to leave your apartment for a few days, until things settle down.

18. Return to your apartment, to see..oh boy. Somehow the cockroaches are in charge.

19. Back away, quietly.

20. Calmly let your landlord know you have a minor vermin problem going on, and that you have absolutely no idea how it happened.

How To: Make An Old Bird Cocktail with George Winston

Hey there you ramshackle losers! Are you ready to get blasted on New Year’s Eve to try and forget that you were mostly a useless lump all year? Well stinky ole GW is on the case. What I got here is a formidable concoction that will knock you and your friends clear over, causing you to stumble out the window and splat onto the sidewalk many stories below. Just kidding, I know my readers aren’t rich enough for “many stories!” Y’all more than likely live exclusively in basements. Which is fine! The mold and damp helps season this recipe.

You’ll need:

• A bottle of vermouth

• Thyme

• The last remaining Dodo bird

Let’s get to it!

1. Contrary to popular belief, the Dodo bird did not go extinct in 1662. One remains. His name is Elbert, and he lives in Tallahassee.

2. Sojourn to Tallahassee for an audience with the ancient bird.

3. Elbert will not let you in; he is wary of prying eyes. You’ll have to be sneaky.

4. Elbert famously does not lock his bedroom window, as he has poor circulation and likes the breeze.

5. Clamber up to the bedroom window, and burst through. You may break the window, if it seems more theatrical. Keep in mind you may slice a femoral artery while doing so.

6. Elbert will not be pleased; quickly explain that you merely need him for a cocktail you’re making for a New Year’s Eve party.

7. He will not understand.

8. Whip up a few diagrams on a large piece of posterboard*** and gesticulate wildly about why you need him to help with your celebratory libation.

   ***TOP TIP: Elbert keeps exactly two posterboards in his hall closet for just this occasion.

9. It is key that Elbert mix the concoction himself. He will begin to sob as he combines the ingredients, remembering his brethren lost many moons ago. His tears form the base of the drink.

10. Thank Elbert with a little kiss on his forehead. He likes that.

11. Do not, under any circumstances, inadvertently murder Elbert. Murdering endangered birds comes so naturally to humans that you may do it without thinking. Look at your hands every 20 minutes or so to make sure they are not tightly wrapped around the bird’s neck. Your hands may just wander into such a formation, so constant vigilance is needed.

How To: Craft Your Own Christmas Gifts with Art Ester

Howdy How-Toers! Y’all are probably hearing the SAME OLLE story by now from your relatives. Everyone has their lists together and is badgering you with gift requests. You have to buy a fire truck for Little Georgie, a tea kettle for Martha, and a Bag of Snakes for Uncle Fred. And you try to explain to Fred that Bags of Snakes are difficult to come by, but he won’t listen, so you get into a screaming match in front of the kids. Well if you want to avoid that type of bickering, you gotta make them xmas gifts yourself. No more store bought crap, or listening to what your family members say they want. After all, you are SMARTER AND MORE VIRILE than them, so they should just enjoy whatever you make for them in your basement at 4:30AM in the morning when you can’t sleep and you have been ingesting large amounts of sweet, sweet rubber cement fumes.

You’ll need:

• 14,000 wooden dowels

• Scotch tape

• Concentrated rage

Let’s get crafting!

1. You gotta keep in mind what family members REALLY want is old-timey stuff that “elves” make in christmas movies. Think the type of gift that no one has ever used in real life, like a jack-in-the-box, or one of those creepy rocking horses you see in horror films that moves by itself right before the monster attacks.

2. Remember, you want to make people the type of gift that they cannot return, because YOU MADE IT. They will never use it, but will feel bad about throwing it away. So it will be permanently in their house but slowly moved from the living room to the library to the guest room, until it eventually finds its final resting place all the way in the back of the attic where the cat throws up and keeps its half eaten mice.

3. When constructing the present, remember to go nuts. Add googly eyes in areas where they obviously shouldn’t be, and generally try to make it as horrific as possible. The goal is to make the family member as uncomfortable as possible when opening it, as they force a weak smile and say “Oh…..wow, you were serious about making gifts this year. Just…wow.”

4. Even if there isn’t an obvious spot for a liquid chamber in your gift, be sure to make one. This will make for a “fun” surprise as the family member is transporting the gift home, or as they desperately search for a non conspicuous place in their home to hide your hideous creation. Any viscous liquid will do, but for best results, use honey. It is sticky and hard to get out of carpets. For example, you could install a “bladder” in your creepy rocking horse that bursts open at the slightest touch.

How To: Celebrate the Turkey Solstice with George Winston

Hey you lonely losers, once again GW is on the scene to help y’all crawl out of your Cold Sadness Holes and into some holiday fun. Now as everyone knows, the third Thursday of the month marks the Turkey Solstice, in which the townspeople come together, drink dangerous homemade spirits, and sacrifice a local turkey to the great god Turkunkat. It is said in local folklore that Turkunkat, a giant, omniscient Turkey with the head of a dog and the body of a dog, created the Earth in three hours. The sacrifice each year to Turkunkat ensures that he doesn’t undo the whole Earth deal in a fit of rage. Also it’s a great excuse to bust out those new hors d’oeuvre recipes you’ve been dying to try out.

You’ll need:

• A turkey (preferably one that no one likes)

• moonshine

• An Evil Boy (to perform the sacrifice)

Let’s get to partying!

1. The Great God Turkunkat demands total loyalty from his followers, and this means all living beings. So first order of business is to make sure the Squirrel Squad will not be a problem at the ceremony.

2. The Squirrel Squad is a multinational crime syndicate run by squirrels that operates its headquarters out of Hamsterdam Hill, as the town’s utter lack of laws and notoriously crooked politicians make acorn smuggling a highly lucrative endeavor. Each year the Squad extracts a healthy cut from all Turkey Solstice operations. The one year the party planner refused, the whole celebration was brought to its knees as the main sacrifice stage collapsed under relentless chewing.

3. Rendezvous with the Squirrel Squad’s leader, Bucky, in his lair, and negotiate a reasonable payment to ensure there are no problems at the big shindig.

4. Bucky is not known to be diplomatic; he may call you crude nicknames like “small tooth” or “no-tail”. Do not respond in kind, or you may be savagely beaten by his cronies. The beating will not really affect you as his cronies are squirrels, but infections are common with squirrel bites, so it’s best to avoid this course of action.

5. Once Bucky is appeased, you must make moonshine for all of the locals. Or, you can simply barter with Ole Willy* down by the river. He will sell you moonshine at a discount, so long as you smile at him.

   *TOP TIP: Ole’ Willy only accepts live crabs as payment for his moonshine, so be sure to bring a few. He also will probably dress the crabs up in tiny dresses while you’re there. Ignore this.

6. Moonshine in hand and the Squirrel Squad appeased, you are nearly there! All that’s left is the turkey. Now it’s important that only an Asshole Turkey is sacrificed. Turkunkat does not take kindly to his good followers being slaughtered, so you’ll need to be choosy.

7. It’s easy to spot an Asshole Turkey. Simply walk around town, and wait for one to rudely walk on top of you. A true Asshole Turkey will stand on your feet on purpose to halt your progress, and spit on your shins.

8. Congrats, you’re all ready to party! All that’s left to do is to wait until nightfall, and have the most Evil Boy in town sacrifice the asshole turkey at the stroke of midnight. IMPORTANT: if Ole Willy shows up with his crab-wives, greet each of them warmly, and without judgement.

How To: Grow a Pumpkin with Art Ester

Howdy hey there How-Toers, it’s that time of the year again! That nostalgic time where you eat pumpkin pie, drink pumpkin beer, and drive pumpkin cars. In other words, you’re gonna need some punkins! And what easier way to get your pumpkin fix than to grow them yourself? Almost any other way is easier, but growing them yourself will give you a sense of superiority that you can lord over friends and relatives alike. And you’ll need all the sense of superiority you can get, because you know at the Halloween Feast Uncle Bob is going to once again bring up that one time in tee ball where you swung so hard and missed that you twisted yourself into the ground and started crying, and then the coach and your dad had to manually extricate the bat from your mangled mass of limbs.

You’ll need:

1. Pumpkin seeds

2. Bat crackers

3. Spells

Let’s get to it!

1. Before you get to the actual growing, it’s important to destroy the competition. Your neighbors have likely already started to put out festive gourds and jack-o-lanterns, and having their store-bought claptrap in the same vicinity as your majestic miracle of nature simply won’t do.

2. Every night for one week, disguise yourself as the Great God of Fall***, and steal one of your neighbor’s crappy decorations.

   ***TOP TIP: The Great God of Fall wears nothing but leaves and maple syrup.

3. Once you have all the neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns in your house, mush them into a fine paste. You may use your feet for this, and you should sing a silly song while doing so. The song will help distract you from the candle burns.

4. Once you have your HALLOWEEN PASTE, you are almost there. This will serve as the “starter” for your glorious pumpkin.

5. Drag out that dusty old cauldron you haven’t used since Easter’s Blood Sacrifice, and add your HALLOWEEN PASTE.

6. Toss in a generous helping of bat crackers, and mix away.

7. Once the mixture screams, put it in the oven.

8. Allow it to writhe and moan in the oven, usually about 3 to 4 hours.

9. Your concoction will have transfigured in the oven, forming a pumpkin-shaped mass, complete with jack-o-lantern features.

10. Take your pumpkin out of the oven, and allow it to cool, about 30 minutes.

11. Its features should pop to life, and greet you with a “AHHHHHHHHH! OH GODDD WHAT AM I!!!”

12. Reassure it that it is merely a jack-o-lantern, brought to life. Explain to it calmly that it will serve you for the next month or so, before being unceremoniously discarded alongside plastic ghosts and cheap broomsticks.

13. Upon hearing this news, your hideous creation will attempt to escape.

14. It will not succeed, as it has no limbs. So we’re all good!

15. Place your sentient decoration outside, and watch in horror as it pleads with prospective trick-or-treaters to end its miserable existence.

16. Congratulations! You have absolutely won halloween, and you don’t even have to buy any candy. All would-be trick-or-treaters will run, screaming with white-hot dread, from your door.

How To: Make Shrimp Cocktail with George Winston

Hey there you sludge filled cretins, ole greasy GW has once again arrived to fill your brain holes to the brim with marginally useful How-To data. Unlike that dingbat Art Ester, I actually give advice that allows you to dominate your enemies, and frighten small children. After all, isn’t that what we’re here for? This week, I’ve broken in to the top-secret Ham Hill Institute of Shrimp And Other Critters to share one of my favorite recipes. The one you have all read about in those fancy glossy magazines: I’m talkin’ shrimp cocktail of course. Now I was only able to get about 3/4 of the recipe into my mouth before I was accosted by armed guards and had to jump from a second story window, so you’ll notice I had to fill in a few of the bits that were saliva-stained or ripped. No problem though! Not for a How-To expert as renowned as I.

You’ll need:

1. Shrimp

2. Ketchup

3. Farts (I think it said farts.)

Let’s get to it!

1. First, collect a gallon of ice (frozen variety) and put it in a large, glass serving bowl.

2. Take 2 lbs of fresh shrimp and remove the shells carefully, punching (pretty sure that’s it) each shrimp individually as you place them on top of the ice.

3. Devein the shrimp for best flavor. (the next few steps are really smudged, but I think I got it) This is best done by melting down all of your jewelry and forming them into a tiny, solid gold army.

4. Make sure your army has the correct proportions of different types of soldiers, including marines and parachute troops. OPTIONAL: Name each soldier and provide each their own backstory. Winston or Trent are good soldier names, if you’re having trouble.

5. Place your army strategically around the perimeter to protect your shrimp cocktail from opposing forces who would wish them eaten, such as fancy ladies and sad businessmen.

6. Once the shrimp are deveined, rinse them under cold water for one minute.

7. Place your four cocktail glasses out and run a lemon around the rim of each, being sure to (this next part got eaten) remember each person you’ve ever disappointed in great detail as you do so. With stinging regret, Sally from fourth grade should become clear as day again in your mind. Could you have been together forever, as you wrote in her unicorn notebook before you accidentally got mud on her shorts? You’ll never know now. Then take each cocktail glass and fill with blood (I think it says blood).

8. Make a slight cut three quarters of the way up each shrimp, and affix them to the glasses.

9. Cocktail sauce time! Mix one part horseradish with three parts (hmm this next bit is very wet) dried remains of Green Monkey Paw, a long extinct species whose entire population mysteriously vanished 300 years ago in a failed experiment attributed to the Dark Wizard Gary.

10. Sit down with your guests and relax! Shrimp cocktail is best enjoyed with a tall glass of (oh god, this is totally unreadable, I’m so sorry in advance) sparkling white wine.

How To: Build A Boat with Art Ester

How do you do How-Toers! I sure am glad to see you all after my summer research. See, every year I spend the better part of the sweaty months traveling the world looking for new and disgusting things to show you how to make! This year, I journeyed to the ancient maritime town of Atlantis to learn their ship-making secrets. Now I know some of you will say, “Art, didn’t you just eat poisonous mushrooms with Old Gerald down by the river, and have visions of traveling to the ancient lost city of Atlantis?” Well, to that I say, yes, yes I did eat some intriguing looking mushrooms we found on an old log. But I did wake up today very wet. It might be sweat, but it could just as easily be ANCIENT WATER. You don’t know! Are you a water scientist? That’s what I thought.

Materials List:

1. A Big Cucumber

2. Wheel

3. Blue Mushrooms

Time to set sail on the seven seas!

1. You’ll need a captain’s outfit. You can’t be walking around looking like some schlub who didn’t make his own cucumber boat. Also, eat a handful of blue mushrooms.

2. The most important part of the outfit is the gown. Every self-respecting captain knows that in order to properly inspire fear in your crew, you need to be so beautiful that they are frightened to approach you.

3. You can get a gown from any local dumpster.***

   ***Top Tip: Look at your local Wedding Directory to see if any weddings are happening near you. People have all sorts of gowns at those, and the bride will occasionally throw theirs out in a rage-fit after the groom leaves them at the altar.

4. Squeeze into that gown, and apply a thick layer of makeup. Boat construction can now commence.

5. You’ll want to make your ship out of natural materials, such as Giant Cucumber. These are available in any Fairy Fields nearby. You’ll want to get one that is 7 feet tall, and preferably, can speak.

6. Remove the Giant Cucumber’s seeds and climb in. Around this time you should eat another handful of blue mushrooms to keep your stamina up and soas to make better conversation with your Cucumber.

7. Affix the wheel. The Cucumber may try to convince you that you do not need a wheel, because you will need to plunge it about a foot into its green flesh to achieve stability. Ignore the Cucumber’s deceit and plunge away.

8. All you need now is a sail. Ham works great for this. Go to your local Deli and order several Ham Sheets. You can stitch these together with Bacon Twine to form a formidable Pork Sail.

9. It’s important the whole boat is edible because then when you inevitably crash, the sharks will ignore you and fill up on Pork Sail.

How To: Survive a Bear Attack with George Winston

Bears cannot be dealt with reasonably. Believe me, I have tried persuading these great ursine beasts to back down with entreaties to their finer nature before, with mixed* results. However — if they are approached with the utmost cunning, you may even get to keep all of your face parts intact after an encounter.

WARNING: You may not get to keep ALL of your face. Bears LOVE faces.

*awful

You’ll need:

1. Urine

2. Hot sauce

3. Bears (Get a couple. Your local “BEARS! BEARS! BEARS!” wholesaler should have several in stock)

Let’s get to it!

1. Unlike your more sissy bear-fighting programs, we’re going to treat this problem head on. The biggest obstacle here is fear. Bears smell fear, and will rip you into spaghetti before you can so much as release a tiny dribble of scare-pee from your useless bladder.

2. Find a bear (the animal kind. The husky gay men kind are often TOO FRIENDLY, and have SMALLER TEETH). The larger animal-bear, the better.

3. Construct a Thunderdome-style enclosure for you and your new bear-friend.

4. Jump into the enclosure, and wake your Grizzly pal from their slumber. A few swift raps to the head should do the trick. You should also yell “WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP!!” directly into its ears, for best results.

5. You must establish dominance over the bear. For this, you will need to mount it.

6. Once mounted, grab some of its fur and clutch it like you are riding a giant, fuzzy horse.

7. The bear may become subdued, but it will PROBABLY become enraged.

8. Once you are thrown from its back, it will become clear you are the Alpha in this situation.

9. You must seduce the bear to calm it. Cover yourself in bear urine, and glue bear fur to your body.

10. Re-enter the Thunderdome-like enclosure on all fours, carrying a large, fresh salmon in your jaws.

11. Grunt and bare your “fangs”. This will let him know you are fertile, and not a threat.

12. Share the salmon, Lady and the Tramp style.

13. He will fall madly in love, and not eat you.

14. Hey may, however, um, “make love” with you.

15. This may also result in your death. But you may also give birth to the world’s first BearBoy. You never know if you don’t try!

How To: Build A Gazebo with Art Ester

Hiddly hi ho there how-toers! Have you recently purchased a vast tract of land, and have so much money left over that you need to build a useless structure somewhere on it? Well, stumble into my office, you well-heeled rascal, and let’s build a gazebo! Gazebos have been used for centuries to sit on rich people’s lawns, and slowly fill with spider webs. Then one day, you can try to actually enter your gazebo and, to your horror, find it has long succumbed to the arachnids, exclaiming, “Egad! Is that a yellow bellied web-spinner? I want it out! Die, beast!” as you wildly spray the poor creature with gunfire from your ceremonial civil war pistol, missing horribly.

You’ll need:

1. Spider food (bugs. You can get these from Ted down the block, who ‘grows’ them in his closet)

2. Wooden planks

3. An ostrich (for sustenance)

Let’s get to it then!

1. First, make sure you are well rested and well fed before starting such an arduous task. Ordering around your many servants to build the gazebo will be quite taxing.

2. You should get extra sleep the night before the big project. Aim for a couple of extra hours of sleep than usual. Around 22 should suffice.

3. Have your cooks prepare you a large, filling meal of exotic meats. I like a good, old fashioned wolf-and-ocelot pie before my gazebo-making. I find the wolf meat makes me feel ill, and thereby forces the others to do an even larger share of the work.

4. Once you are properly fueled up, have two to six of your servants carry you out to the work site. After all, you can’t waste those precious calories walking! Those will be needed for yelling.

5. Order your builders to place the boards roughly in an octagon shape.

6. Now, time for drinks! This has been quite an ordeal already.

7. Snap your fingers and order a ‘long island iced tea, but class it up, will you?’

8. This means it will come with a tiny top hat.

9. As the gazebo takes shape further into the afternoon, you must test it!

10. Drunkenly amble onto the skeleton of the structure, and yell, “This is not to my specifications! Where is the bunny pit, hmmmmm?!” despite you never asking previously for a bunny pit.

11. When your workers ask what a bunny pit is, tell them if they do not already know, they are fired.

12. Take a nap! You deserve it, and have been up for several hours at this point, far more than is customary for a person of your stature. You can nap wherever, preferably right on the work site. If you are built around, the gazebo will take on a much more distinctive shape.

How To: Cure a Hangover with George Winston

Do you often awaken in fields, covered in honey, and wonder why you are handcuffed to an evil-looking goat? Well, then friend, you and I are a lot more alike than you might imagine. Having been in the company of unfamiliar farm animals after an evening of revelry many times before, I thought I would write a helpful guide for you novices to navigate these all-too-common occurrences.

You’ll need:

1. Chocolate sauce

2. Marshmallows

3. A gun (the marshmallow kind)

Let’s get you back to your filthy home!

1. First, you’re going to need to figure out what town you are in. I generally do this by eating as many native plants as possible.

2. Once you arrive at the hospital, simply tell the surgeon what the color of the poisonous berries you ate was. After they gasp, you will pass out from the severe abdominal pain.

3. When you wake up, you will be wearing a bracelet. Read it! It will have the name of the hospital on it, and bingo bango! That’s where you are.

4. If you aren’t sure what year it is, do not ask the hospital staff. They will probably then put you in the part of the hospital that is more difficult to escape from.

5. Be sure to sneak out without getting the bill. Your lack of any identification materials should make evading the astronomical charges a snap!

6. You’re going to need clothes, as the hospital attire, while pleasantly breathable, is too risque for these conservative times.

7. Hide behind a trash can, and wait for a well-dressed, weak-looking person to walk by.

8. When their guard is down, attack them and steal their skinny jeans and fancy blouse. You can take their dog too, if you wish, but this is not strictly necessary.

9. You are now a fancy person. Swing those hips! This is your time to shine.

10. Because you now appear to be a young, rich person, you can do whatever you want. As is American law, any house or business you desire is now yours. You only have to demand it so.

11. Simply enter any business or home and demand to speak to the owner.

12. After complaining about their use of disposable silverware, yell about suing them for environmental crimes. Continue to yell until they, exhausted, bequeath their business/home to you.

13. You are now a home or business owner! Congratulations. You and your new dog will be very happy here.

How To: Steam Artichokes with Art Ester

Hi Diddly ho there how-toers! Have you, like me, been waking up screaming in the night, covered in sweat? Is nearly every waking moment filled with terror for the future? Well, that’s a-ok! Because I have here a mighty fine recipe for steamed artichokes. While you are preparing them, there may be brief moments when you forget that the world is only weeks from collapsing into apocalyptic chaos.

Materials List:

1. 4 Medium Artichokes (Get the ones that are NOT cucumbers. Those are different.)

2. Salt (Unsalted vegetables taste like the inside of a sewer)

3. A bottle of fine red wine (For you. You deserve it! And more importantly, you NEED it.)

Let’s hop to it!

1. Rinse the artichokes, cutting off all of the parts that draw blood.

2. Place the artichokes in a steamer basket, and fill your pot with two inches of water, adding lemon for taste.

3. You can be naked for the rest of this. It’s not like you’re expecting any company, and the dangerous artichokes should be subdued by now and less of a threat to your lumpen, baby- like body.

4. Wonder aloud what people who do real jobs for a living look like. They probably have abs.

5. Pop open the red wine, and pour some in a glass.

6. Swizzle it around the glass. If swizzle is not a word, you know what I’m getting at, don’t be a dick about it.

7. Drink it as quickly as you can, ideally with such speed that some dribbles down the sides of your mouth.

8. Before you can think about it, pour another glass.

9. Pretending that you have company over, loudly ask if “anyone would object to some light jazz?”

10. Wait a beat for a response, even though no other living soul has been in your home for months.

11. After the artichokes have been steaming for 4o minutes, they should be tender and ready to serve.

12. Set the table for four, and place each artichoke on a separate plate for your ‘guests’.

13. Insanely, pour each ‘guest’ a glass of wine as well, mentioning with a crazed glint in your eye that “I guess I’ll have to open another bottle! You guys were thirsty, huh! You scalawags. I better not tell you all where I keep the whiskey! Hahahahahaha!”

14. Make a savory dip out of balsamic vinegar and mayo.

15. Realizing you are out of mayo, in a strange, vicious moment, substitute toothpaste instead.

16. Standing over each plate, consume the artichokes in a frenzy. Be sure to use ample toothpaste dip and mash your teeth for maximum foam creation.

17. After the entire front of your shirt is covered in spit & foam, drink the rest of the guest’s wine.

18. Fortified from the wine and the vitamins from the artichokes, finally gather up the courage to visit your neighbor. Perhaps they would join you for a quick game of scrabble?

19. Be sure to go to the back door of your neighbor’s house. After all, friends never enter from the front door! That’s for mothers-in-law and vacuum salesman.

20. The back door should be unlocked, because up to this point your neighborhood has been considered safe.

21. Knock once, but not twice. True friends don’t need to knock twice. You can head right in.

22. You should make them a welcome platter! To be sure they will like it, use their own food.

23. Start with a layer of cream cheese, everyone likes cream cheese.

24. Scatter any other delicious treats on top. These treats can include: chips, cashews, salami, pimento cheese, or horse salad.

25. Once your platter is complete, you’ll want to make sure your reveal as their new best friend is a fun surprise. Set the platter on the table and turn all of the lights off. Sit at the table, and wait for your buddy to come down for breakfast.