How To: Make An Old Bird Cocktail with George Winston
Hey there you ramshackle losers! Are you ready to get blasted on New Year’s Eve to try and forget that you were mostly a useless lump all year? Well stinky ole GW is on the case. What I got here is a formidable concoction that will knock you and your friends clear over, causing you to stumble out the window and splat onto the sidewalk many stories below. Just kidding, I know my readers aren’t rich enough for “many stories!” Y’all more than likely live exclusively in basements. Which is fine! The mold and damp helps season this recipe.
You’ll need:
A bottle of vermouth
Thyme
The last remaining Dodo bird
Let’s get to it!
Contrary to popular belief, the Dodo bird did not go extinct in 1662. One remains. His name is Elbert, and he lives in Tallahassee.
Sojourn to Tallahassee for an audience with the ancient bird.
Elbert will not let you in; he is wary of prying eyes. You’ll have to be sneaky.
Elbert famously does not lock his bedroom window, as he has poor circulation and likes the breeze.
Clamber up to the bedroom window, and burst through. You may break the window, if it seems more theatrical. Keep in mind you may slice a femoral artery while doing so.
Elbert will not be pleased; quickly explain that you merely need him for a cocktail you’re making for a New Year’s Eve party.
He will not understand.
Whip up a few diagrams on a large piece of posterboard*** and gesticulate wildly about why you need him to help with your celebratory libation.
***TOP TIP: Elbert keeps exactly two posterboards in his hall closet for just this occasion.
It is key that Elbert mix the concoction himself. He will begin to sob as he combines the ingredients, remembering his brethren lost many moons ago. His tears form the base of the drink.
Thank Elbert with a little kiss on his forehead. He likes that.
Do not, under any circumstances, inadvertently murder Elbert. Murdering endangered birds comes so naturally to humans that you may do it without thinking. Look at your hands every 20 minutes or so to make sure they are not tightly wrapped around the bird’s neck. Your hands may just wander into such a formation, so constant vigilance is needed.