How To: Save Money with Art Ester
Hey-dilly-oh How-Toers! Wow, is it January already? How thrilling!! I’m sure you, like me, spent all of your money on buying your relatives Goose Traps for Christmas, and are looking for a way to start saving those hard-earned pennies. The first step is simple: stop earning pennies! Those are worthless.
You’ll need:
Leftover Goose Traps
Cheese
A hefty man
Let’s get right to it.
Let’s level with each other here. We all spent our life savings on Goose Traps for all our friends and relatives, which were promptly re-gifted back to you.
No matter! Those are top-of-the-line Goose Traps you bought. Unless you got the knock-off ones, like I did, which are made of ash and fall apart in your hands.
If you DIDN’T buy the ones made of ash, set your Goose Traps up outside your house, and wait for the bounty to roll in. You will soon recoup all of those lost pennies and can begin your empire anew.
Set each trap with a block of cheese, and wait. It is a good idea to watch the traps from a secure but private location, like a neighbor’s bathroom.
It is very smart to do a Goose Call to attract more High Quality Geese. The perfect Goose Call is one where your throat hurts a lot after. Keep practicing! This can be done from a neighbor’s roof, or the line at the deli.
Pay a hefty man to watch the traps for you, as geese are unpredictable and testy. Hefty men can best be found in any sandwich shop near you, and can be enticed with free meat and rolls of quarters.
After your hefty man is full of meat, ensure he stays at his post near the geese traps. He will need to be vigilant, as the Geese Traps may only hold a Goose for a few moments.
If you are not in a Geese-Heavy region, the traps will probably just attract loads of cockroaches or other assorted vermin.
This is good too! Cockroach and rat meat is highly valuable to a small but strange coterie of investors.
Have your hefty man collect as many vermin as he can carry in his burly arms. It is preferable to keep them alive, as the vermin investors are more picky than you might imagine.
Keep the vermin in your home. Feed them garbage to ensure they are plump and strong for resale.
Oops. They escaped.
It’s ok! Just go get some feral cats to deal with the problem. See if hefty man is still available.
Using a similar method as you did for the vermin, but with tuna fish, collect 5-12 feral cats from your local area.
If they have tags, they are someone else’s cat. That is also fine.
Let them loose in your dwelling to deal with the vermin issue.
You might want to leave your apartment for a few days, until things settle down.
Return to your apartment, to see..oh boy. Somehow the cockroaches are in charge.
Back away, quietly.
Calmly let your landlord know you have a minor vermin problem going on, and that you have absolutely no idea how it happened.