How To: Create a Holiday with George Winston
Whoa! Didn’t see you there. Probably because I am a large, consequential man of great import, and you are a tiny, meaningless whelp. Is “whelp” an insult? I don’t know, but doesn’t it sound like one? You probably feel bad, and that’s the whole point. Anyhoo, in honor of the Month With The Madeup Holiday, big ole GW is gonna tell y’all how to make yer very own holiday, from scratch! It’s pretty easy. All you need is:
Bees
Bees
Bees!
You see, the real work is making your fake holiday seem like it means something, even when it obviously doesn’t. Did you know St. Valentine was actually a mechanic from Topeka? Well he wasn’t, but he could have been! You don’t have a fucking clue who Valentine was, or why his day makes you want to throw up.
Let’s get started!
First, you need a Mascot. It should be either good-hearted, like the Easter Bunny, or evil, like Santa Claus. Nothing in-between. That’s why no one likes Groundhog’s Day.
Pick some sort of magical animal for your Mascot. People like magical animals more than magical people, because magical animals don’t invade their homes or have binders full of their children’s’ names.
The animal should be original. Obviously some of the popular ones are already taken. It should also be somewhat menacing. REMEMBER: Children should fear the mascot, a little. They have to respect it, so they can be good during the holiday to give their parents a goddam break for five minutes. Here is a fun list of suggestions:
-The Winter Scorpion
-The Autumn Bat
-The February Oyster
-The May Giant African Land Snail
Once your Mascot is decided, construct an elaborate outfit so you can strut around town as it, to build publicity.
Publicity is best built by you leaping from progressively higher buildings into progressively more viscous fluids, in costume.
Once you’ve leaped from Town Hall into a pool of molten Velveeta, you know your holiday is ready for the big time.
Townspeople will likely gather round you, asking questions like “What are you supposed to be?” and “Why are you on my roof?”
This is perfect. Answer all questions with “You’ll find out. Soon enough. Look to the East, on March 14th!”
Bound away, cackling maniacally.
On March 14th, dress again in your Mascot Costume, and pay several children $5 each to do the same.
Leap from the brush outside a popular bakery with your Mascot Squad, to the “delight” of customers grabbing their breakfast.
Their delight may include screaming. This is normal! They are just very excited about your special new day.