How To: Cure Hot Dog Sickness with Art Ester
Howdy hey there how-toers! I’ve been getting some emails concerning some residents that have fallen ill after consuming Seb Wheeler’s signature “Ham Hill dogs” at Ham Hill Long Stockings games. The worrying ailment seems to be caused by the stunning variety of meats that are used in the dog. I gotta say though, you can’t blame the dogs! It’s the exotic meats that give them their signature, evil flavor. I had a dozen at the last ball-game, and I feel fit as a fiddle! Why, I’ve nearly gone to the bathroom this week. As a highly accredited scientist-doctor***, I can tell you with full confidence how to cure you and your digestive system of any hot-dog based ailments.
***Opposite of this.
Materials list:
Feathers
Glue
Mayonnaise
Well then, let’s hop to it!
First, you need to age your mayonnaise. It’s not going to do you any good all fresh. Place it in the sun for aging.
It’ll take a few days for the mayonnaise to reach maximum health-increasing properties. During this time you’ll want to perform an important ritual known as Dance of the Ancient Bird. This Dance will heal your Spirit, and thusly your Sickness.
First you need to become birdlike, to attract the Ancient Bird. Start by gluing many, many feathers to yourself.***
***TOP TIP: You’ll know you have enough feathers when your roommate walks in, sees you, and screams.
Check on your mayo. If its aroma does not physically startle you, it is not ready.
Try to kill more time while the mayo ripens. This should be easy, as your roommate will likely start arguing with you about their trivial, human concerns such as ‘why is there a tub of mayonnaise on the fire escape’ and ‘what have you been doing with the rent money, the landlord is saying they haven’t gotten it in three months’.
After a protracted yelling match with your housemates, clamber to your rooftop with your feathers on, mayo in hand.
Take a big gulp of your aged mayo.
The mayo should kick in after a few moments, and you will suddenly feel very….different. You will definitely feel like shouting.
Direct your shouts to the sky, and wait for the Great Ancient Bird to respond.
After a moment or two, A great gash should open in the sky, accompanied by suitably dramatic lightning bolts. A confused frog or two may also rain down.
Through the gash, a massive, strange bird-like creature will appear. It will look like if an enormous peacock was being electrocuted.
Be sure to smear some mayo on your ears at this point.
Ask the Ancient Bird to heal your hot dog-related ailments. It cannot heal other maladies, so don’t even try. It may lash out and shoot an electric feather at you.
The Bird will issue you commands in its terrible LANGUAGE OF THE DEAD. It will be unbearable, unless you have your mayonnaise safely applied.
The hot dogs will be immediately expelled from your bowels.
The Bird will then vanish as soon as it appeared.
Congrats, you’re cured! Clamber back down to celebrate with your roommates. I’m sure they will be thrilled to see you. Maybe squeeze in a shower.