How To: Make Cheese with George Winston
Hey ya fat slugs, get ready for a big ole steaming helping of Georgie Winston, here to help you with the epidemic that is sweeping the nation. Of course, I am talking about EXORBITANT CHEESE PRICES. Why, I personally spend nearly double my paycheck on just cheese! But don’t you worry your ugly little heads any more. I’ve been mixing milk with mold for years, sometimes on purpose.
You’ll need:
nut-beer
a mammal
top hat
Let’s get cultured!
Now, lots of people say they prefer cow, goat’s, or sheep’s cheese. Do not listen to them. The only way to make your name in the cheese biz is to branch out! Try a fun animal.
Most animals can produce milk.***
***TOP TIP: If the animal has the same amount of eyes as you, it can be milked.
I personally like to use squirrels. They are plentiful, and their milk has a strong, nutty flavor that helps you relax after a long day milking squirrels.
Entice the squirrels into your home using a ‘FREE NUTS’ sign. Squirrels are the only mammal that can read english*** so they will understand this and come running.
***Wombats can speak english, but not read it.
Once you have a healthy number of squirrels in your home, you have to make sure the lady squirrels will lactate. This means you have to get them fucking.
It’s pretty easy to get squirrels to copulate with each other. You just have to simulate a tree. This can be done by purchasing a large top hat, and cutting a hole through the middle.
Pop the hat on, stick your arms out, and voila! You now have a cozy den inside your hat. The squirrels will rush up your body for their chance at the fuckhat.
There may be…a bit of a squabble to get into the fuckhat. To create some order, ask the squirrels to line up in order of sexiness.
This may cause another squabble.
Give out a round of nut-beer to de-escalate the situation. Serve it adorably in bottle caps.
Have a glass or two yourself. After all, you’ve had quite a long day.
Cavort with your new squirrel pals deep into the night and early morning, swapping stories about stealing grapes from picnics and arguing about what pinecones are.
Awake with a start as you realize you are not any closer to making cheese, disturbing the 3-5 squirrels who were peacefully snoozing on you.
They will chatter at you for more nut-beer, having become hooked on the stuff.
Calmly explain that you will have more by the evening, but it takes time to brew.
Coming to the obvious conclusion that drunk squirrels will make you more money than terrible cheese, forget that whole cheese business.
Put a sign on your lawn saying ‘Drunk Squirrel Party, $5’ and let tourists swing by for ten minutes a pop.