How To: Craft Your Own Christmas Gifts with Art Ester
Howdy How-Toers! Y’all are probably hearing the SAME OLLE story by now from your relatives. Everyone has their lists together and is badgering you with gift requests. You have to buy a fire truck for Little Georgie, a tea kettle for Martha, and a Bag of Snakes for Uncle Fred. And you try to explain to Fred that Bags of Snakes are difficult to come by, but he won’t listen, so you get into a screaming match in front of the kids. Well if you want to avoid that type of bickering, you gotta make them xmas gifts yourself. No more store bought crap, or listening to what your family members say they want. After all, you are SMARTER AND MORE VIRILE than them, so they should just enjoy whatever you make for them in your basement at 4:30AM in the morning when you can’t sleep and you have been ingesting large amounts of sweet, sweet rubber cement fumes.
You’ll need:
14,000 wooden dowels
Scotch tape
Concentrated rage
Let’s get crafting!
You gotta keep in mind what family members REALLY want is old-timey stuff that “elves” make in christmas movies. Think the type of gift that no one has ever used in real life, like a jack-in-the-box, or one of those creepy rocking horses you see in horror films that moves by itself right before the monster attacks.
Remember, you want to make people the type of gift that they cannot return, because YOU MADE IT. They will never use it, but will feel bad about throwing it away. So it will be permanently in their house but slowly moved from the living room to the library to the guest room, until it eventually finds its final resting place all the way in the back of the attic where the cat throws up and keeps its half eaten mice.
When constructing the present, remember to go nuts. Add googly eyes in areas where they obviously shouldn’t be, and generally try to make it as horrific as possible. The goal is to make the family member as uncomfortable as possible when opening it, as they force a weak smile and say “Oh…..wow, you were serious about making gifts this year. Just…wow.”
Even if there isn’t an obvious spot for a liquid chamber in your gift, be sure to make one. This will make for a “fun” surprise as the family member is transporting the gift home, or as they desperately search for a non conspicuous place in their home to hide your hideous creation. Any viscous liquid will do, but for best results, use honey. It is sticky and hard to get out of carpets. For example, you could install a “bladder” in your creepy rocking horse that bursts open at the slightest touch.