How To: Celebrate the Turkey Solstice with George Winston
Hey you lonely losers, once again GW is on the scene to help y’all crawl out of your Cold Sadness Holes and into some holiday fun. Now as everyone knows, the third Thursday of the month marks the Turkey Solstice, in which the townspeople come together, drink dangerous homemade spirits, and sacrifice a local turkey to the great god Turkunkat. It is said in local folklore that Turkunkat, a giant, omniscient Turkey with the head of a dog and the body of a dog, created the Earth in three hours. The sacrifice each year to Turkunkat ensures that he doesn’t undo the whole Earth deal in a fit of rage. Also it’s a great excuse to bust out those new hors d’oeuvre recipes you’ve been dying to try out.
You’ll need:
A turkey (preferably one that no one likes)
moonshine
An Evil Boy (to perform the sacrifice)
Let’s get to partying!
The Great God Turkunkat demands total loyalty from his followers, and this means all living beings. So first order of business is to make sure the Squirrel Squad will not be a problem at the ceremony.
The Squirrel Squad is a multinational crime syndicate run by squirrels that operates its headquarters out of Hamsterdam Hill, as the town’s utter lack of laws and notoriously crooked politicians make acorn smuggling a highly lucrative endeavor. Each year the Squad extracts a healthy cut from all Turkey Solstice operations. The one year the party planner refused, the whole celebration was brought to its knees as the main sacrifice stage collapsed under relentless chewing.
Rendezvous with the Squirrel Squad’s leader, Bucky, in his lair, and negotiate a reasonable payment to ensure there are no problems at the big shindig.
Bucky is not known to be diplomatic; he may call you crude nicknames like “small tooth” or “no-tail”. Do not respond in kind, or you may be savagely beaten by his cronies. The beating will not really affect you as his cronies are squirrels, but infections are common with squirrel bites, so it’s best to avoid this course of action.
Once Bucky is appeased, you must make moonshine for all of the locals. Or, you can simply barter with Ole Willy* down by the river. He will sell you moonshine at a discount, so long as you smile at him.
*TOP TIP: Ole’ Willy only accepts live crabs as payment for his moonshine, so be sure to bring a few. He also will probably dress the crabs up in tiny dresses while you’re there. Ignore this.
Moonshine in hand and the Squirrel Squad appeased, you are nearly there! All that’s left is the turkey. Now it’s important that only an Asshole Turkey is sacrificed. Turkunkat does not take kindly to his good followers being slaughtered, so you’ll need to be choosy.
It’s easy to spot an Asshole Turkey. Simply walk around town, and wait for one to rudely walk on top of you. A true Asshole Turkey will stand on your feet on purpose to halt your progress, and spit on your shins.
Congrats, you’re all ready to party! All that’s left to do is to wait until nightfall, and have the most Evil Boy in town sacrifice the asshole turkey at the stroke of midnight. IMPORTANT: if Ole Willy shows up with his crab-wives, greet each of them warmly, and without judgement.