How To: Grow a Pumpkin with Art Ester
Howdy hey there How-Toers, it’s that time of the year again! That nostalgic time where you eat pumpkin pie, drink pumpkin beer, and drive pumpkin cars. In other words, you’re gonna need some punkins! And what easier way to get your pumpkin fix than to grow them yourself? Almost any other way is easier, but growing them yourself will give you a sense of superiority that you can lord over friends and relatives alike. And you’ll need all the sense of superiority you can get, because you know at the Halloween Feast Uncle Bob is going to once again bring up that one time in tee ball where you swung so hard and missed that you twisted yourself into the ground and started crying, and then the coach and your dad had to manually extricate the bat from your mangled mass of limbs.
You’ll need:
Pumpkin seeds
Bat crackers
Spells
Let’s get to it!
Before you get to the actual growing, it’s important to destroy the competition. Your neighbors have likely already started to put out festive gourds and jack-o-lanterns, and having their store-bought claptrap in the same vicinity as your majestic miracle of nature simply won’t do.
Every night for one week, disguise yourself as the Great God of Fall***, and steal one of your neighbor’s crappy decorations.
***TOP TIP: The Great God of Fall wears nothing but leaves and maple syrup.
Once you have all the neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns in your house, mush them into a fine paste. You may use your feet for this, and you should sing a silly song while doing so. The song will help distract you from the candle burns.
Once you have your HALLOWEEN PASTE, you are almost there. This will serve as the “starter” for your glorious pumpkin.
Drag out that dusty old cauldron you haven’t used since Easter’s Blood Sacrifice, and add your HALLOWEEN PASTE.
Toss in a generous helping of bat crackers, and mix away.
Once the mixture screams, put it in the oven.
Allow it to writhe and moan in the oven, usually about 3 to 4 hours.
Your concoction will have transfigured in the oven, forming a pumpkin-shaped mass, complete with jack-o-lantern features.
Take your pumpkin out of the oven, and allow it to cool, about 30 minutes.
Its features should pop to life, and greet you with a “AHHHHHHHHH! OH GODDD WHAT AM I!!!”
Reassure it that it is merely a jack-o-lantern, brought to life. Explain to it calmly that it will serve you for the next month or so, before being unceremoniously discarded alongside plastic ghosts and cheap broomsticks.
Upon hearing this news, your hideous creation will attempt to escape.
It will not succeed, as it has no limbs. So we’re all good!
Place your sentient decoration outside, and watch in horror as it pleads with prospective trick-or-treaters to end its miserable existence.
Congratulations! You have absolutely won halloween, and you don’t even have to buy any candy. All would-be trick-or-treaters will run, screaming with white-hot dread, from your door.