How To: Make Shrimp Cocktail with George Winston
Hey there you sludge filled cretins, ole greasy GW has once again arrived to fill your brain holes to the brim with marginally useful How-To data. Unlike that dingbat Art Ester, I actually give advice that allows you to dominate your enemies, and frighten small children. After all, isn’t that what we’re here for? This week, I’ve broken in to the top-secret Ham Hill Institute of Shrimp And Other Critters to share one of my favorite recipes. The one you have all read about in those fancy glossy magazines: I’m talkin’ shrimp cocktail of course. Now I was only able to get about 3/4 of the recipe into my mouth before I was accosted by armed guards and had to jump from a second story window, so you’ll notice I had to fill in a few of the bits that were saliva-stained or ripped. No problem though! Not for a How-To expert as renowned as I.
You’ll need:
Shrimp
Ketchup
Farts (I think it said farts.)
Let’s get to it!
First, collect a gallon of ice (frozen variety) and put it in a large, glass serving bowl.
Take 2 lbs of fresh shrimp and remove the shells carefully, punching (pretty sure that’s it) each shrimp individually as you place them on top of the ice.
Devein the shrimp for best flavor. (the next few steps are really smudged, but I think I got it) This is best done by melting down all of your jewelry and forming them into a tiny, solid gold army.
Make sure your army has the correct proportions of different types of soldiers, including marines and parachute troops. OPTIONAL: Name each soldier and provide each their own backstory. Winston or Trent are good soldier names, if you’re having trouble.
Place your army strategically around the perimeter to protect your shrimp cocktail from opposing forces who would wish them eaten, such as fancy ladies and sad businessmen.
Once the shrimp are deveined, rinse them under cold water for one minute.
Place your four cocktail glasses out and run a lemon around the rim of each, being sure to (this next part got eaten) remember each person you’ve ever disappointed in great detail as you do so. With stinging regret, Sally from fourth grade should become clear as day again in your mind. Could you have been together forever, as you wrote in her unicorn notebook before you accidentally got mud on her shorts? You’ll never know now. Then take each cocktail glass and fill with blood (I think it says blood).
Make a slight cut three quarters of the way up each shrimp, and affix them to the glasses.
Cocktail sauce time! Mix one part horseradish with three parts (hmm this next bit is very wet) dried remains of Green Monkey Paw, a long extinct species whose entire population mysteriously vanished 300 years ago in a failed experiment attributed to the Dark Wizard Gary.
Sit down with your guests and relax! Shrimp cocktail is best enjoyed with a tall glass of (oh god, this is totally unreadable, I’m so sorry in advance) sparkling white wine.