How To: Make Galaxy Dip with George Winston
Oh hey there you sloppy dingbats. Have you run out of recipes to impress your thrice-weekly checkers opponent Salty, the Korean war veteran who is too interested in your feet? Well I know why: you’ve been buying boring snacks. Why pay $1.89 for salsa that will make Salty sad? Salty deserves more. Also a good dip will help distract him from your feet.
You’ll need:
Tangerines
Broth
Metal
Let’s get cracking, cracky!
Galaxy dip is an 87 layer dip, consisting mostly of theoretical ingredients.
The first 60 layers come from your mind.
In a large mixing bowl, do nothing. Simply put it on a table, and sit across from it.
Think extra hard** about what ingredients you need.
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If you thought hard enough, the ingredients should appear, pre-mixed, in the bowl.
If you DIDN’T think hard enough, think hard about why you didn’t think hard enough. Maybe you just need a Ultra Premium Thinking Cap, hmmmm? They’re available for a paltry $4,589.45.
Invite over Terry, the football player from high school who bullied you but then told you all his secrets before crying on your shoulder that one time.
Tell Terry if there are any more secrets, now is the perfect time to share.
He will begin bawling again.
Pat his back, saying ‘there, there’, distracting him with appropriate crying responses, while you collect his tears in a vial.
Do you have pizza? Great. Throw it in the bowl.
Mash the pizza into a fine pizza-paste.
Add a layer of BBQ sauce, then a layer of sprinkles.
Mix thoroughly.
Once it looks like the throw up from your twelfth birthday party, congrats! You’re nearly there.
Add Terry’s tears, slowly.
Whilst adding the tears, there is a 43% chance that the tears catalyze a reaction that will teleport the dip to your friend Fran’s house.
If this happens, head over to Fran’s and mention your dip is likely in her house.
She will greet you warmly, as the dip will have been teleported all over her TV screen.
Using a spatula, recover your dip. It will now have a fine layer of e-dust in it, adding a satisfying crunch.
The next 45 ingredients are on Mars.
You’ll need a ride. Check your local bus schedules; they should have a Mars bus every other Wednesday.
If they don’t, they’re really not a self respecting bus company. What about all of the interplanetary commuters?? What are they, chopped liver?
You’ll just have to get to Mars yourself then. Simply break into Elon Musk’s house.
It is well known that Elon Musk’s toilet drops you off directly at Mars.
Jam yourself into his massive space toilet, and flush.
Once on Mars, find and talk to Steve. He runs the Space Commissary. Let him know at once you are making Galaxy Dip.
Lazily smoking a space cigarette, Steve will grumpily hand over the ingredients and wheeze that “space ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
He will start rambling about the mechanical failures of their base on Mars. Start to back away slowly, saying things like “So frustrating” and “I KNOW!”, before eventually escaping back to the toilet.
Back at the checkers game, proudly present your hard-won dip to Salty.
Salty, confused, will ask “Where’s the salsa? I wanted salsa.”