How To: Make Your Own Drugs with Art Ester

Howdy hey there how-toers! I know we’re all gettin’ a little antsy, being stuck inside with all the electric oozes and sexy beetles and the like rampaging outside. Well, no fear, because there’s a easy way for all of us to relax. Do you go to the pharmacy for your drugs? Boring! That’s got none of the fun, or seizures that the joy of making your own medications can provide. Believe me, I make all my own pharmaceuticals and I am fit as a fiddle! In that, my body produces many noises.

Materials List:

1. Mortar and Pestle

2. Pez

3. Pok-pok eggs

Let’s get started!

1. The most important ingredient are the Pok-pok eggs, from the Pok-pok bird. Their nests can be found at the tops of tall Spike trees.

2. You’re going to want gloves to climb the spike trees. Steel gloves.

3. Don’t have a steel glove vendor handy? That’s fine, you’re hands may just get a little…bleedy. But don’t despair your homemade pharmaceuticals will solve all that.

4. Sojourn to the very top of one of these massive trees, and gently pluck 5 to 7 of the rainbow colored eggs from the Pok-pok’s nest.

5. Momma pok-pok will not be happy, and will attack.

6. Did you bring goggles? Momma pok-poks go for the eyes.

7. Oh I didn’t have goggles on the “materials list?” Well now, there’s no need for snark.

8. Don’t worry about the Pok-poks. Females lay new eggs every twelve years or so, so they’ll be just fine.

9. Once you get back to your disgusting domicile, crush some pez in your mortar and pestle. It is a well known fact that all drugs are mostly made of Pez, a chalk-like candy that was popular with loser children in 1914.

10. Crack a pok-pok egg into your pez mixture, and mix thoroughly. Eat the rainbow shell; it has unparalleled hallucinogenic properties***.

    ***This is because it is poisonous.

11. Once you have your egg and pez powder all mixed, place it in tiny pill molds and allow it to set for 6-8 hours.

12. Find a cat or dog to pet in the meantime, I promise it will be super neat as the pok-pok egg wraps its way around your mind like a wet blanket.

13. Once the pills are set, you’re in business! Now be sure to sell your wildly overpriced drugs to your most gullible and vain acquaintances.****

    ****TOP TIP: Explain to your friends that your “exclusive luxury pills” are only available for $4,000 apiece, and that they are how Brad Pitt keeps his skin so taut.