How To: Build a Jetpack with Art Ester

Hi Diddly Ho there How-toers! Art Ester here with some tips on how to get you and yours out of whatever hellscape your local area has turned into. Personally, my own domicile has been inundated with sexy beetles and I can no longer function. I spend all my days now trying to convince them to make love to me, but they refuse. They merely bat their naughty little beetle wings at me. So, I must leave immediately, before these insects drive me mad. Luckily, it is easy to escape. Simply construct a jetpack and blast your way out of there!

You’ll need:

1. Pasteurized Cheese Product

2. Dynamite

3. Backpack

Let’s get you strapped into your own personal rocket!

1. You’ll need to get your hands on some dynamite. This is easy, as long as you have a second cousin. ALL second cousins have a brother who has dynamite for some murky reason.

2. Use the dynamite to blow up your existing house. You won’t be needing it any more! You’ll be on your way to some exotic land in mere minutes. Save a little bit of dynamite for later.

3. Explain to your horrified neighbors that you are just doing some maintenance on your home, as the blast sends all of their fine china crashing to their floors. Remind them condescendingly that they never used that fine china anyway so what’s the loss really?

4. They will mutter something about “idiot” under their breath.

5. Ignore them. They are merely simpletons who do not understand science.

6. Secure a backpack. You can purchase one from your local Wal-Mart for $12.99, but you can usually haggle them down. Just call over a sales associate and throw out another price. 25 cents is a good starting point.

7. The sales associate will sigh loudly, put their head in their hands, and calmly explain that you cannot haggle at Wal-Mart.

8. Argue back that you are buying it for Little Johnny, who is very sick, definitely NOT to make a jetpack.

9. The sales associate will sigh again and mutter something like “idiot” under their breath.

10. Ignore them. They do not understand science either.

11. Pay the $12.99 with ONLY nickels, and pick up some Pasteurized Cheese Product as well. You must use Pasteurized Cheese Product, not cheese. Pasteurized Cheese Product contains 99% fake milk goo, which is highly explosive and critical to catalyze the reaction.

12. Grab your goods and run from the store, screaming “Little Johnny needs his backpack!!” over and over again.

13. You showed them, didn’t you.

14. Once you are back at your house-crater, fill the backpack with the remaining dynamite, and pour Pasteurized Cheese Product all over it. You’ll need to test how the reaction works before you strap in, so stand well back, and wait.

15. Nothing happened? Did you check the expiration date on the Cheese Product?

16. Well if its expired, that’s on you, not me.

17. Curl up in your crater, and fall asleep under the stars. Isn’t that better than a dumb roof anyway?