How To: Govern an Island with George Winston
I know what you poor bastards are thinking. I think it every day before I drink my cup a’ joe: Why aren’t I the leader of a tiny spit of land in the middle of the Pacific, thousands of miles away from the nearest human settlement? Well, dum dum, wonder no more. Follow these 25 steps, and you no longer have to worry about your annoying landlord banging on your door in the middle of the night, begging you to stop playing your sousaphone. Next week they’ll probably ask you to stop raising chickens in your apartment! This is why you need your own country.
Materials List:
Boat
Grape Soda
Wild Overestimation of your Leadership Skills
Let’s get you your own monarchy!
You’ll need to recruit people for your island. This should not be difficult; simply ask strangers what they’d like, and promise them that that specific thing is available ONLY on your island.
You’ll need a boat. You can find a boat at any marina, they’re chock full of ‘em. Merely distract the marina guard with a plate of cold cuts. While they are happily munching on the sliced meats, you can pilfer a small vessel, just large enough to hold you and your devoted followers.
Set sail. Any body of water is fine. Most have land in them somewhere. If you get lost at sea, perfect! You’ll need an uninhabited island, which aren’t usually on maps anyway.
Uh oh, you are REALLY lost at sea.
Did you bring enough beef jerky for everyone?
You didn’t bring ANY beef jerky? What did you bring?
You only brought grape soda?
That’s ok. Most people like grape soda.
Pass out the sodas.
Oops. You didn’t bring one for Phyllis.
Phyllis will react violently to your oversight, challenging you to a bare knuckle brawl for leadership of crew.
Phyllis will easily best you in hand to hand combat, and take over as leader.
Curse yourself for only buying a twelve pack.
In your defense, buying Phyllis an individual soda would NOT have been cost effective.
Phyllis will suddenly spot land.
Roll your eyes and sarcastically say “Great job, Phyllis. Not like I did most of the work with the boat and the soda. No, let’s all clap for Phyllis.” Then clap sarcastically. You may loll your tongue out of your mouth and move your head from side to side while doing so for added sarcastic effect.
Everyone will stare at you.
Say “what?” to stony silence.
Phyllis will lead the boat to shore, standing at the helm triumphantly.
Someone will note how leaderly she looks.
Stand up, mimicking her stance, and loll your tongue again in extreme sarcasm, saying “look at me, I’m Phyllis. I’m a big leader person.”
More stony silence.
Once you make landfall, Phyllis will establish a fair and equitable republic that will endure for thousands of years.
You will spitefully open up a small oddity shop on the far side of the island, selling misshapen rocks with crude faces painted on them.
You will turn a small profit, as parents take their children to your shop to show them “the stupid person who didn’t buy enough soda,” and purchase a rock that their child will forget about instantly.