How To: Steam Artichokes with Art Ester
Hi Diddly ho there how-toers! Have you, like me, been waking up screaming in the night, covered in sweat? Is nearly every waking moment filled with terror for the future? Well, that’s a-ok! Because I have here a mighty fine recipe for steamed artichokes. While you are preparing them, there may be brief moments when you forget that the world is only weeks from collapsing into apocalyptic chaos.
Materials List:
4 Medium Artichokes (Get the ones that are NOT cucumbers. Those are different.)
Salt (Unsalted vegetables taste like the inside of a sewer)
A bottle of fine red wine (For you. You deserve it! And more importantly, you NEED it.)
Let’s hop to it!
Rinse the artichokes, cutting off all of the parts that draw blood.
Place the artichokes in a steamer basket, and fill your pot with two inches of water, adding lemon for taste.
You can be naked for the rest of this. It’s not like you’re expecting any company, and the dangerous artichokes should be subdued by now and less of a threat to your lumpen, baby- like body.
Wonder aloud what people who do real jobs for a living look like. They probably have abs.
Pop open the red wine, and pour some in a glass.
Swizzle it around the glass. If swizzle is not a word, you know what I’m getting at, don’t be a dick about it.
Drink it as quickly as you can, ideally with such speed that some dribbles down the sides of your mouth.
Before you can think about it, pour another glass.
Pretending that you have company over, loudly ask if “anyone would object to some light jazz?”
Wait a beat for a response, even though no other living soul has been in your home for months.
After the artichokes have been steaming for 4o minutes, they should be tender and ready to serve.
Set the table for four, and place each artichoke on a separate plate for your ‘guests’.
Insanely, pour each ‘guest’ a glass of wine as well, mentioning with a crazed glint in your eye that “I guess I’ll have to open another bottle! You guys were thirsty, huh! You scalawags. I better not tell you all where I keep the whiskey! Hahahahahaha!”
Make a savory dip out of balsamic vinegar and mayo.
Realizing you are out of mayo, in a strange, vicious moment, substitute toothpaste instead.
Standing over each plate, consume the artichokes in a frenzy. Be sure to use ample toothpaste dip and mash your teeth for maximum foam creation.
After the entire front of your shirt is covered in spit & foam, drink the rest of the guest’s wine.
Fortified from the wine and the vitamins from the artichokes, finally gather up the courage to visit your neighbor. Perhaps they would join you for a quick game of scrabble?
Be sure to go to the back door of your neighbor’s house. After all, friends never enter from the front door! That’s for mothers-in-law and vacuum salesman.
The back door should be unlocked, because up to this point your neighborhood has been considered safe.
Knock once, but not twice. True friends don’t need to knock twice. You can head right in.
You should make them a welcome platter! To be sure they will like it, use their own food.
Start with a layer of cream cheese, everyone likes cream cheese.
Scatter any other delicious treats on top. These treats can include: chips, cashews, salami, pimento cheese, or horse salad.
Once your platter is complete, you’ll want to make sure your reveal as their new best friend is a fun surprise. Set the platter on the table and turn all of the lights off. Sit at the table, and wait for your buddy to come down for breakfast.