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How To: Survive a Bear Attack with George Winston

July 30, 2019  /  Mark Volinski

Bears cannot be dealt with reasonably. Believe me, I have tried persuading these great ursine beasts to back down with entreaties to their finer nature before, with mixed* results. However — if they are approached with the utmost cunning, you may even get to keep all of your face parts intact after an encounter.

WARNING: You may not get to keep ALL of your face. Bears LOVE faces.

*awful

You’ll need:

  1. Urine

  2. Hot sauce

  3. Bears (Get a couple. Your local “BEARS! BEARS! BEARS!” wholesaler should have several in stock)

Let’s get to it!

  1. Unlike your more sissy bear-fighting programs, we’re going to treat this problem head on. The biggest obstacle here is fear. Bears smell fear, and will rip you into spaghetti before you can so much as release a tiny dribble of scare-pee from your useless bladder.

  2. Find a bear (the animal kind. The husky gay men kind are often TOO FRIENDLY, and have SMALLER TEETH). The larger animal-bear, the better.

  3. Construct a Thunderdome-style enclosure for you and your new bear-friend.

  4. Jump into the enclosure, and wake your Grizzly pal from their slumber. A few swift raps to the head should do the trick. You should also yell “WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP!!” directly into its ears, for best results.

  5. You must establish dominance over the bear. For this, you will need to mount it.

  6. Once mounted, grab some of its fur and clutch it like you are riding a giant, fuzzy horse.

  7. The bear may become subdued, but it will PROBABLY become enraged.

  8. Once you are thrown from its back, it will become clear you are the Alpha in this situation.

  9. You must seduce the bear to calm it. Cover yourself in bear urine, and glue bear fur to your body.

  10. Re-enter the Thunderdome-like enclosure on all fours, carrying a large, fresh salmon in your jaws.

  11. Grunt and bare your “fangs”. This will let him know you are fertile, and not a threat.

  12. Share the salmon, Lady and the Tramp style.

  13. He will fall madly in love, and not eat you.

  14. Hey may, however, um, “make love” with you.

  15. This may also result in your death. But you may also give birth to the world’s first BearBoy. You never know if you don’t try!

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