How To: Make a Thanksgiving Dinner by Mark Volinski

You'll need:

1. A Round Egg (OK if it smells a little).
2. Chairs (Should be stolen)
3. A Longing for the Great Oblivion

OK, now that we have our ingredients, let's get cooking. 

1. Take off that clown makeup; we'll need you looking your best for this.
2. Put the makeup back on.
3. Start thawing a 15-20 lb turkey in a large bowl. 
4. Call your mother.
5. Once she gets on your nerves again about how your clown career is failing, curse angrily at her and violently throw your phone against the wall so it smashes spectacularly into little pieces. 
6. Curse yourself for your utter lack of self control. 
7. Go to the bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror with a distinct sense of dread and self-hatred for 20-25 minutes.
8. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. 
9. Throw out the turkey; did you really think you were capable of creating something worthwhile? You are an incapable loser.
10. Walk over to the neighbors house and "borrow" their shovel. 
11. Dig haphazardly and furiously until you can no longer stay conscious. 
12. Collapse in a heap into your half-dug hole. 
13. Wait until this whole thing blows over. 
14. When the neighbor comes asking about their shovel, be VERY CLEAR it is not the one you are brandishing at them menacingly. 
15. When they insist it is their shovel, make sure they UNDERSTAND WHOSE SHOVEL IT REALLY IS. 
16. Make sure you turned off the oven; it can be dangerous leaving that thing on.