How To: Worship with Art Ester

Part 379 in the long running series

Howdy How-Toers! Your old friend AE is back here again! Ready to dispense some wisdom in the form of weird lists. Today's topic is Worship. God is scary. You gotta know how to deal with him. Lucky for you I am the foremost expert on eternal, omniscient beings. Before we get to the steps, Let's look at what we'll need.

1. 3 largish women, of various race - (careful, midgets will not work in this case)                
2. Just enough peanut butter - (if you don't know how much I can't help you)                          
3. A Scottish Terrier with an aggressive temperament

Now we are ready to DIY! Now remember gods can be fickle creatures. Say their special poem wrong and you WILL be damned to eternal hell. They don't "fuck around", as the kids say.  Each step will need to be followed exactly for the god to be properly dealt with. 

1. Read their special book - They are very conscious of their book's sales figures. The Q'uran is the most 'happening' version, at the moment. 
2. Don't go to congregation - Why waste time on the weekends? You could be drinking. 
3. Make your own religion - Shows you aren't their bitch. Game recognizes game. All you need is a van, a megaphone, and some paint. (creepy white suit is advisable, but strictly optional)
4. Tell other people your views - People love hearing about how you 'aren't totally sure if theres a single god, but more of this kind of universal energy, that inhabits and connects all of us, you know? You ever think about it like that?' Goddam hippies. 
5. Bathe in blood - I'm pretty sure this is right. Honestly I'm fuzzy on the logistics for this one.