How To: Make Tiger Waste and Why Art Ester is Terrible by George Winston

Hey there how-toers! Were back again with some of the best DIY advice this deranged hamlet has ever seen. I'm sorry, I meant THE BEST DIY advice you can receive, certainly better than Art Ester's conceited tripe. Today we are going to talk tiger waste; A lovely little libation that I stumbled upon during my time managing an underground cat-fighting operation. Well, several underground cat-fighting operations, If we're being honest, but we're not here to talk about me. We're here to talk of the soulless husk that is Art Ester, and the utter uselessness of his how-to advice. Big ole GW here don't steer you wrong. Unless I'm steering a car off the road into that puppy-killer Ester's house, and maybe I'm throwing in some donuts, messing up his yard real bad. Anyway, here's a drink recipe. 

1. Take 1 gallon of Tang
2. Shake it until you are nauseous
3. Discuss social media and the impact on human behavior. It's just a worthwhile discussion I feel you should have. 
4. Purchase a book.
5. Read the book, you putrid, useless twat. You know they used to have these things that were like movies or tv shows, only they were written on paper and the story unfolded in your head, like some magnificent, boundless universe. Well you don't give a shit about that do you, because oh look the big bang theory is on at 730 and 8pm today. Better watch that instead. You dumb, horrific pile of animal parts. 
6. I'm going to go scream at something until I pass out.

How To : Make A Sloppy Sailor with Art Ester

Part 78 In a Long Running Series

Hey there friends, I see you are all eager for another lesson from your favorite DIYer, the fan mail was overwhelming this week! Well really just the one letter, and it was not nice. But at least you know you're making a difference! Anyway, today's lesson is for my favorite summer drink, and I'm sure many of yours, the sloppy sailor. Start by:

1. Taking 2 oz of gin, and pouring it down a gorilla's back. Either gender of gorilla is fine.

2. Put the gin in a glass and give it a kiss.

3. Shout at it until you are quite exhausted.

4. Do not answer when the neighbors call.

5. Go upstairs and take a nap, you really need to get your life together.  

How To : Train A Mongoose

    The first and most important thing to remember when training your mongoose is this simple rule: be drunk while you do it. Mongooses are legendarily poor creatures: they only respect those that are as flawed as they are. If you go in on your high horse you’ll get the teeth. That’s not a metaphor; they have many small pointy teeth. Im assuming; I’ve never actually seen one. They seem terrifying. Regardless, the next most important thing you must do is have your children with you. Their weakness will attract the mongoose, therefore distracting it enough for you to administer the necessary drugs in order for your mongoose to cooperate. It is ideal if your child is drunk as well but this is not required. I mean everyone might as well be having a good time, right? A rabid mongoose IS required though, as their ravenous thirst for flesh will make up most of their motivation for this exercise. 

   Now the key to teaching a mongoose how to hula hoop is all in the brand and type of hoop. As long as the hoop is made of meat, you’re good to go. This is also where the breed of ‘goose’ as we will refer to them from now on, comes into play. You’ll want a Bull Goose. These are recognizable by a small mark underneath their fur, on the underside of their belly. This isn’t really possible to check until your goose is sedated, so when selecting a goose you’ll just have to take your best guess. In some goose breeder circles, or ‘goobrecles’, as we’ll refer to them from now on, a proper Bull Goose will always mount its weaker counterparts when insulted. The insult, of course, is key. Any old taunt will simply not do. You must dig to the very core. A good rule of thumb is to go after their relatives; gooses are very family oriented creatures. The standard familial insult for gooses is a swift movement of the tongue from one side to the other while showing constant eye contact. The faster the movement, the greater the insult. This is best done 3-5 inches from the animal’s face, for greater effect. Follow all of these rules and your goose will be hooping like a gypsy in no time.

How To : Skin A Mango with Art Ester

Welcome to Lesson 77 of Art's Long Running Series

Hey there friends I would like to welcome you today into the wide world of mango. And I know what you're thinking...Aren't mangoes those deadly people in the newspaper I keep reading about? Why no! You're in luck...they're just fruit silly bones! All right now lets get right into the pit of the lesson. First, the ingredients list.

You Will Need.

1. Two large, but not Excessive, nail clippers. (1.175 inches is most effective)

2. A Gaping vacuum in your soul, like me.

3. A well-groomed chest

Once you are all set on 1 and 3, get ready! you don't need to worry too much about 2, that will come after you've done a few of these! Now don't be too nervous, the chef's knife you should be using for this will slice off your finger really clean, so the wound will be easier to wrap. No nubs at all! Just clean flesh and bone. Anyway, lets get right down to it. First, lay the mango on its side. Then yell loudly enough so a neighbor can hear, higher pitched screams generally attract more attention. If they come running, and also know how to skin a mango, you're all set! Which would be a lucky end to this scenario, because they're fucking impossible to skin.