How To : Train A Mongoose

    The first and most important thing to remember when training your mongoose is this simple rule: be drunk while you do it. Mongooses are legendarily poor creatures: they only respect those that are as flawed as they are. If you go in on your high horse you’ll get the teeth. That’s not a metaphor; they have many small pointy teeth. Im assuming; I’ve never actually seen one. They seem terrifying. Regardless, the next most important thing you must do is have your children with you. Their weakness will attract the mongoose, therefore distracting it enough for you to administer the necessary drugs in order for your mongoose to cooperate. It is ideal if your child is drunk as well but this is not required. I mean everyone might as well be having a good time, right? A rabid mongoose IS required though, as their ravenous thirst for flesh will make up most of their motivation for this exercise. 

   Now the key to teaching a mongoose how to hula hoop is all in the brand and type of hoop. As long as the hoop is made of meat, you’re good to go. This is also where the breed of ‘goose’ as we will refer to them from now on, comes into play. You’ll want a Bull Goose. These are recognizable by a small mark underneath their fur, on the underside of their belly. This isn’t really possible to check until your goose is sedated, so when selecting a goose you’ll just have to take your best guess. In some goose breeder circles, or ‘goobrecles’, as we’ll refer to them from now on, a proper Bull Goose will always mount its weaker counterparts when insulted. The insult, of course, is key. Any old taunt will simply not do. You must dig to the very core. A good rule of thumb is to go after their relatives; gooses are very family oriented creatures. The standard familial insult for gooses is a swift movement of the tongue from one side to the other while showing constant eye contact. The faster the movement, the greater the insult. This is best done 3-5 inches from the animal’s face, for greater effect. Follow all of these rules and your goose will be hooping like a gypsy in no time.