How To: Manage a 401k by Mark Volinski

You'll need: 

1. Arms 
2. A brain

Let's get to it!

1. Decide that you will finally talk to your employer about starting a 401k plan.
2. Right before you open the door to their office, run, cowering, in the opposite direction. 
3. Locate a plant and hide behind it.
4. When people pass, scream "Hey, you! Can't you see I'm walkin' here?" from behind the plant, elliciting horrified flinches from your colleagues. 
5. Decide that this whole plant thing isn't so bad after all. 
6. Start spending most of your day impersonating the plant. 
7. Your boss may approach you and request a private meeting. 
8. They're probably going to give you that 401k!
9. Prepare a list of demands for the meeting. This is best written in blood. 
10. Waltz into the meeting with your head held as high as possible. 
11. You may run into something; you will not be looking in front of you. 
12. Once you hit something, you are likely in your bosses' office. Sit down. 
13. Right as they start speaking, thrust your demands in front of them. 
14. Begin drooling. Your manner of extreme ease will give you all the negotiating power. 
15. When they refuse your demand regarding having your own tower, release your drool, being sure to spread it across a large swath of your bosses' desk. 
16. They will cave. Be sure to wear robes when in your tower.