How To: Drink Soda with George Winston

Hey How-Toers. I have some bad news. Art Ester suffered a massive heart attack, and has passed away. Just kidding, that would be great news! But unfortunately that snake-oil salesman Ester is still kickin', and therefore I am duty bound to dispense with some real how-to knowledge to combat his fake how-to demons. Today we're talkin' soda. Now I know what you're thinking. Isn't soda that thing that keeps running around in my yard, roughhousing and playing games? No, silly, that is your child! They may seem similar at first glance, but in fact there are many differences. Now let's get to the finer points of getting your favorite sugared beverage into that pretty gullet of yours.

You'll need:

1. A can of soda (a jar works better)
2. Aleven islands (Yes, I spelled it correctly. How do you spell 'Aleven', punk? You wanna fight about it?)
3. A terrifying lack of self awareness

Let's get right down and do the damn thing!

1. Borrow a paddleboat from your friend who trusted you with their lakehouse for the weekend. 
2. Ask your girlfriend if she wouldn't want to "explore the lake's charms, hmmm?"
3. When she asks what the charms might be, stay silent, and answer only with a slow nod of the head, and an ominous, "You'll see," followed by, in a quieter, barely audible whisper, "You'll all see."
4. Find a nice little island in the center of the lake, and rest the boat there. 
5. Rest on a large rock near the shore and ruminate with your girlfriend about how lucky you both are for the opportunity to share such a lovely moment. 
6. Forget that it's pretty dark out already, and stay at the island into nightfall. 
7. Quickly realize you do not know the way back to the lakehouse in the dark.
8. Impress upon your girlfriend that this just shows her how spontaneous you are.
9. Convince her that you will spend a terribly romantic night on the island.
10. Around 4 am, become awakened by a strange but familiar noise.
11. Investigate the noise, and realize it is coming from a den close by, dug into the earth. 
12. Become totally consumed with finding the source of the noise, despite your best instincts.
13. Shuffle slowly into the den, feeling around for foot and hand holds. 
14. Once in the den, realize that it is an office. 
15. "Hello, sir, do you have an appointment?" The secretary will ask you.
16. Say you do have an appointment, and wait in the chair. 
17. Primp yourself a bit, and check for any food in your teeth. You don't want to blow this.
18. Look at the secretary again, and realize she is a fish-human hybrid.
19. Become much more nervous for the meeting.
20. "Where are you?!!" Your girlfriend may have begun screaming from above. 
21. Excuse yourself from the chair with a polite smile and nod towards the secretary, putting up one finger to indicate you will be returning in just a moment.
22. "What babe?" You reply to your girlfriend, "I'm about to go to a very important meeting! Can you just keep it down a tad out here?" 
23. Return to the fish lair, and apologize for the disruption. 
24. After 20 minutes or so, meet with the Fish-King.
25. After several arduous hours of negotiation, successfully hammer out a human-fish truce, ending the fish genocide. 
26. Return outside to find your girlfriend and the boat gone. 
27. Panicked, begin swimming in the general direction of the lakehouse. 
28. About halfway there, remember that you are not a strong swimmer.
29. Out of breath and thoroughly exhausted, surrender to the lake and begin to sink into its murky depths. 
30. Right before you lose consciousness, feel yourself being lifted from the bottom by some mysterious force. 
31. It's the fish secretary! She will guide you to safety, with the knowledge that you are the One And True Fish Savior. 
32. Wave goodbye as she returns to the lake. 
33. Do not attempt to explain your journey to your girlfriend. She will understand, implicitly. 
34. She may not understand implicitly. 
35. Crack open a soda, you earned it! (Use your hands to open it, that's the trick.)