How To: Find a Lover

You'll need: 

1. Jelly
2. Germs
3. A pathological need to lie

Let's get this started!

1. Go to your local barbershop, and get a new haircut. You're current cut is, frankly, embarrassing. 
2. As the barber is pretty close to finishing the yell, "Too late, sucka!", and leap from the chair, running from the shop without paying.
3. Develop an insatiable taste for crime.
4. Rob a bank.
5. You will now be a criminal, which is extremely attractive.
6. Purchase a set of colorful, garish suits to flaunt your newfound sexiness.
7. Scream, "Come get it, ladies!", and do a dance involving primarily elbow movement in a public location.
8. Erect a massive monument to yourself in the town square.
9. Charge far too much for entry.
10. When no one visits, begin sleeping in the monument most nights; you can use your suits as sleeping blankets.
11. You may begin to attract animals as your stench intensifies from lack of hygiene.
12. Befriend the group of the animals, learning their languages and customs.
13. Learn to play the flute. 
14. Playing an upbeat jig, lead the animals around town, occasionally exclaiming, "Yes, yes, it's me! The fancy man! Do do do do dee dee!"
15. You will be swarmed by suitors.