How To: Build A Fallout Shelter with Art Ester

As October comes to an end, we pack up our t-shirts and swim trunks, bust out the woolly sweaters, and of course, begin work on our fallout shelters! Now this recipe isn't for your bargain basement version, so if you're a corner cutter, just stop reading right here. You'll be proud to show off this shelter to your loved ones knowing it will offer them at least minimal protection from whatever monstrous irradiated beasts await them in the earth's barren wastes. 

Materials list:

1. 36,000 cans of beans
2. Two dozen industrial fans
3. A remarkably high tolerance for heavy fumes

Experts agree that the most critical consideration when constructing a fallout shelter is Gas Management. You and your loved ones will be eating only canned beans for up to 50 years. This will lead to a large buildup of combustible gas, which, if contained, can be used for all manner of applications. Let's get to it. 

1. Get your family in a room for a frank discussion. Surprise your youngest daughter by asking her to lead the meeting. 
2. She will ask why ice cream is not served as dinner more often. 
3. Suggest that this, while a valid concern, may be better discussed at a future meeting. 
4. Guide the discussion towards fallout shelters. 
5. When your wife brings up the fact that you already have a fallout shelter, pretend that you didn't hear her. 
6. Look at your watch and remark "Why look at the time!" and abruptly end the meeting. 
7. When your daughter brings up the fact that you don't own a watch, pretend you didn't hear her. 
8. Escape to your fallout shelter, which has been converted primarily to a video game haven. 
9. Play for several days, or until you forget other things exist, ignoring pleas from your family to reappear.
10. Discover that Gas Management is indeed critical down here. 
11. Emerge after a week or so to find the house empty. 
12. It must have been the apocalypse! Oh wait, there's a note. 
13. Something about 'I'm taking the kids, you idiot'.
14. Sob, shaking, for several hours, as the full weight of your actions becomes increasingly clear.
15. Might as well clear out the liquor cabinet. 
16. Sleep in the driveway.
17. Awaken, sunburnt and extremely dehydrated.  
18. Call your ex unsuccessfully 10-15 times, again sobbing. 
19. After filling her voicemail with incomprehensible babble, slump into a half sitting position on the wall. 
20. With your eyes glazed over, stare into the middle distance. 
21. Well if you think about it, you don't really even need the second fallout shelter now....so, congrats, champ! 
22. What? Stop looking at me like that. Well done!