How To: Make a Pie with George Winston

Howdy there ya useless lumps of dessicated flesh! Big ole GW here to get the record set straight on pies. Now I get this question all the time: Aren't pies what killed my grandmother? Nope - that was brain cancer and diabetes. Although the pies may have helped the diabetes along. So the answer to that is more of a soft 'maybe'. Anyhoo, I know it can be hard to remember what a pie is. A pie is a large aircraft, often carrying a nuclear payload----hang on, I may have my notes shuffled up......never mind that is correct. 

Materials list: 

1. Flour (enough to cover a mammal with)
2. Eggs (4 or 5 or 2 or 7 of them will do)
3. A University Course Catalog (NOT a college! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!)

Okay, let's get to it! 

1. Clear out your kitchen; you'll need space to work. 
2. Dirty it back up again, you don't want it to be too clean. That puts some people off.
3. You'll want to strike a balance somewhere between 'FBI safehouse', and 'Hoarder'.
4. You may want to watch some TV shows to get a sense of what those two extremes are. 
5. There's plenty of time for pie-making after TV. 
6. Oh, we'll need snacks for TV!
7. What's in the pantry......nuts? Too healthy. Pop-Tarts? We're not that desperate. 
8. Go across the street to the corner store to find some better snacks. 
9. Find some of those awesome chocolate chip cookies. Yes! those ones. 
10. Become irritated that they do not have a price sticker on them but decide to go for it anyway.
11. Discover at the register that they are $7 and unleash a string of obscenities at the clerk and the general area.
12. Purchase the cookies anyway, but let everyone know you aren't at all happy about it. 
13. Return home, and take all of the ingredients out of the cupboard. 
14. Measure the flour, and crack the eggs into a large blender. Crack a few more eggs into a laundry basket. 
15. Once you have your clothes off, dive into that laundry basket. Roll around inside it until you are more or less covered in egg. 
16. Fill another laundry basket with flour, and repeat step 15.
17. Turn the heat in your home up as far as it will go, and sit in the warmest part of your house for 2-3 hours or until golden brown. 
18. Hide and wait for your partner to come home. 
19. When they investigate the source of the smell, jump out from whatever you are hiding behind and exclaim,"Dinner's ready! Boogelyboogelyboogely bo!"
20. They will kick you instinctively. 
21. Calmly explain to them that it is you and that you have merely been spending all day cooking yourself for dinner. 
22. She may bring up your lack of job applying lately. 
23. Say "Oh, here we go again!" in as passive-aggressive a tone as possible. 
24. Ask her, even more passive-aggressively, "who was the one slaving away all day at the stove, hmmmmm?"
25. Serve yourself before you get too cool.