How To: Spread Christmas Cheer with Art Ester

Hey there my fellow Christmas lovers! Art Ester here to help you spread that holiday cheer around as evenly as possible. You don't want large clumps forming in certain spots. That can lead to Cheer Overload, which may result in death. Always remember the goal of all this: More Christmas Cheer = More Presents For Me. 

You'll need: 

1. Holly branches
2. Baubles
3. Considerably More Self Respect.

Let's get this thing started! 

1. Place the holly around the outside of your home, in places where it will be most visible to passersby. 
2. Do the same with some oversize holiday baubles. Extra points if they are shiny!
3. While putting up the last bauble, descend into a deep and seemingly infinite moment of sadness. 
4. Standing on the ladder, stare off into the distance, still holding the final bauble. 
5. Your partner will emerge from your home. "Honey, are you almost done with the decorations? It's nearly 3 AM." You, lost in thought, will not hear them. 
6. Still staring, drop the final bauble, letting it crash on the pavement below. 
7. Tell your partner you have to go, right now. 
8. Driving way too fast, go to the old movie theatre parking lot where you smoked weed with your high school friends when you were in college. 
9. Turn off your engine, and sit in silence, letting nostalgia fill you. 
10. When your partner attempts to call you, do not pick up. 
11. Turn the engine back on, and drive to the first place you can think of. 
12. Run out of gas on your way there. 
13. Walking to the nearest gas station, stumble across an old barn. 
14. Decide that you must enter the barn. 
15. Sit in the barn for a while, noting the smell of the hay. 
16. Go to sleep for 6-12 hours. 
17. Awaken to an angry farmer prodding you with a pitchfork. "Buddy, I darn near killed you. What are you doin' in my barn?" 
18. Explain that you were putting up christmas decorations. 
19. The farmer will immediately understand.