How To: Make a Naughty Night Cocktail with Art Ester

Note: This recipe is not for those of you with heart conditions, or those involved in protracted legal disputes. It's for those who are looking for a walk on the wild side, a flight of fancy, a dance with the devil. But don't be fooled; just because you drove your car 180 mph once on the highway doesn't mean you can handle this cocktail. Drinking this is a last resort of sorts.

Let's get to mixin'! You best get one or two of these down the ole manhole before you enter into any kind of New Year's merriment. 

You'll need: 

1. A liter of gin
2. 2 sprigs elderflower
3. crushed ice
4. Immense shame

Let's get to the libation!

1. Put the ice in a blender. 
2. Take it out; you forgot to bless it. 
3. Bless the ice, using only your good Blessing Hand. 
4. If you do not know how to Bless, consult your Blessing Handbook.
5. If you cannot find a Blessing Handbook, write your own. 
6. Bless the ice.
7. Immediately throw the ice in the trash. Chances are, you blessed it incorrectly. 
8. Pour the gin in tall rocks glass, and set it in a high chair.
9. Treat it as you would your own small child. 
10. OPTIONAL: Put a little diaper on it and speak to it in baby talk.
11. If the gin has begun to cry, try waving some giant baby keys in front of it. 
12. That should settle it down. 
13. Call your closest friend, and tell them that you actually slept with their wife back in college. 
14. Respond to their angry outburst with silence. 
15. That's a relief.
16. Settle down in the middle of the room, on the floor somewhere. 
17. Stay there until it seems reasonably safe to move, no less than a week or so.