How To: Cure Seasonal Depression with Art Ester

Part 1077 in a long running series

Howdy hi there how-toers! If your senselessly dull winter has been going anything like mine, you have tried leaping out of your second story window, only to be thwarted by a double layer of tempered glass. Even as I write this, my left foot has been tugging towards the window in short fits, subconsciously begging for another attempt. But that's old news, at least to my head, which is in towering pain. 

Our task today involves my latest elixir for those January blues. How did I come by this recipe? Let's just say it involved more than one ghost, and they were none too pleased when I filched it off them. 

You'll need: 

1. Enough mayo so you cannot carry It comfortably
2. A quartet of angry mayors
3. Wild abandon

Let's get to it! 

1. Lie to your partner, assuring them that 'You'll be back in a jif'. 
2. Stalk your local used car salesman, staking them out if necessary. 
3. Once you've memorized their daily patterns, hide out inside of their office overnight. 
4. Steal the keys to a Dodge Ram 3500 pickup, and peel out of the lot, going as fast as you can. 
5. Locate your first mayor, parking far enough away to avoid suspicion. 
6. Place a rare steak outside the entrance to his home, and balance a bucket full of syrup above their doorway. 
7. The mayor will smell the steak and investigate, tripping the trap and becoming soaked in syrup. 
8. The mayor, covered in syrup, will become docile. 
9. After binding their ankles and wrists, toss them in the back of the pickup. 
10. Avoid the urge to go back and save the rest of the syrup. I know it cost you a month's salary. 
11. Pick up three more mayors using the same steak-syrup technique. 
12. The mayors have likely become quite irritated now, as they will have attracted an impressive array of sweet-seeking insects. 
13. Place each mayor in their own 55 gallon tub of industrial mayonnaise that you picked up from your local mayo plant earlier. 
14. It is a well known fact that mayo is breathable. The mayors will be fine in their tubs until they are ready. 
15. Set the mayors in a secure location where delinquent teenagers are unlikely to investigate. If you place a sign labeled 'Lame Stuff in Here', you can ensure your mayors are undisturbed by curious pot-smokers. 
16. Leave the mayors in their tubs for 4-7 years, or until news coverage of their mysterious dissapearances has died down a bit. 
17. Go check on the ole mayors. 
18. They will have finished their mayo, each turning an odd color based on their exclusive mayo consumption. 
19. Release them back into the wild, saying 'Go on you old scamps! Go On! Get out of here!"
20. They, struggling for breath and with their atrophied limbs, will look back at you with a mixture of horror and confusion. 
21. You have no fear of litigation, as the mayors will not have the communication or social skills at this point to pass on details of your misdeeds. 
22. The mayors will live out their days stealing eggs from chicken coops and sleeping in caves, forming a rudimentary language and community. 
23. Their remains, when found years later, will be mistaken for some newly discovered modern neolithic race.