How To: Go on Vacation with Art Ester

Part 506 in a Long Running Series

Howdy ho how-toers! Heard along the dusty trail that the wicked charlatan George Winston has creeped his way back into the How To business. As a professional and very well respected How To dispenser, I find this disturbing and dangerous. But fear not dear followers! Your shepherd is here to lead you away from the dark woods Winston no doubt led you into. 

Materials list: 

1. Quite a lot of cream
2. Your uncle from out of town
3. A frightening level of frustration with your landlord

Let's get right into it! We must; I will surely be kicked off of this public library's computer in a matter of minutes. I have been using it for hours and have not been a library member for several decades. Not since The Incident. 

1. Attempt to talk your uncle into buying you a plane ticket. It doesn't matter to where. 
2. When he refuses, angrily accuse him of being the worst uncle in the history of the whole world, and a meanie. 
3. He will ask you if you are taking your anti-anxiety medication. 
4. Explain to him that you haven't needed those for quite some time, thank you very much. 
5. At this point in the conversation you may hear a loud sigh from the other end of the phone. It may be followed by a threat to call your mother. 
6. Little does he know your mother is just upstairs. You moved back home weeks ago. You got him good.
7. Bask in your victory. 
8. Continue to whine and beg for the plane ticket. He will eventually accede to your request on the condition you return to your prescribed anti-anxiety treatment regimen. 
9. Assure him that surely a trip is just the tonic your anxiety-ridden mind needs. 
10. When he reads his credit card number off, enter it into an illicit online marketplace for live foxes. 
11. The foxes should arrive at your door in 3-4 weeks, weather permitting. 
12. Don't bother telling your mother about the impending fox shipment. She'll realize soon enough. 
13. Oh boy will she ever. 
14. The little guys will be quite hungry when they arrive. 
15. Calmly explain to your parents that you only bought three dozen foxes. You could have gotten quite a few more, after all. 
16. Become irritated when they suggest you did not do them a 'solid' , as you keep insisting. 
17. Your parents will probably kick you and the foxes out of the house. 
18. Grab the cream before you leave. I'm 99% sure foxes eat cream. 
19. OK more like a soft 40%. 
20. Foxes are kinda like a cross between a dog and a cat, right? And cats like cream. 
21. Steal your parents' car and locate an abandoned warehouse. 
22. Let your fox friends out!
23. Call the foxes to attention, and let the them know you have an important announcement. 
24. Explain to them that they are now all part of 'Fox Squad Bravo". 
25. Affix to them their official 'Fox Squad Bravo' hats that you have carefully knitted for them. 
26. They may not be totally into the hats. 
27. Let them know that it is time for Fox Squad Bravo's first mission. 
28. Honestly it doesn't really matter what the mission is. Just make up whatever comes to mind. 
29. Foxes are notoriously good listeners; they will soak up your instructions with vigor. 
30. March your little team outside, and say "Fox Squad Bravo, commence mission!"
31. While they work on that, get to knitting some larger fox hats. XL fox hats are extremely valuable if you know the right people.