How To: Make a Towel with Art Ester

Some say mythical beings exist all around us, only atoms away in some cases. We cannot see, touch, or hear them, but they are there all the same. Scientist theorize that they exist in some extra dimension, observing us until they feel the need to intervene for whatever reason. At any moment they could make their existence known. Or they may chose to remain invisible forever. But this How-To isn't concerned with them! We're talking about towels today. 

As you how-toers know, ain't no way you are attracting a mate of any conceivably merit without a high quality, homemade towel. Follow these steps and you'll be skipping in the soft sands with your lover in no time! 

You'll need: 

1. A barrel of liquid (some jellies work)
2. Another barrel of liquid (not jelly! How could you think jelly might work?!)
3. Less owls than you would think.

Let's do this.

1. Do not sleep for three days. 
2. Stumble into an auditorium, and seize the microphone right as the featured speaker is about to start his lecture. 
3. Ignore everyone's yells that you promptly leave the stage. 
4. Evade security using your advanced martial arts skills. 
5. If you do not have advanced martial arts skills, try kicking security's ankles. That seems to work sometimes. 
6. Once you are subdued, vow to exact revenge. 
7. Security should release you after 72 hours or so, depending on the extent of your crimes. 
8. Once at home, decide that a high-quality towel is your best shot at redemption. 
9. Take a barrel of liquid and put it in your living room. 
10. See if guests remark on its presence. 
11. If they do not, casually allude to the barrel in friendly conversation. 
12. "Does anyone need some liquid?" You might say. "I don't know where we could get some. Surely there is not some nearby?"
13. If you're guests are not impressed by this point, they are clearly lunatics. They didn't have to come over if they didn't want to. After all, you didn't hold a gun to their head. 
14. Hold a gun to their heads. 
15. Shriek, "Fly, my pretties!" while releasing all of the owls. 
16. Your guests will flee the premises, owls following closely behind. 
17. You have not slept for five days at this point.
18. See if you can let one of the owls back in. 
19. Let some rodents out in your house. They will surely attract an owl or two. 
20. The rodents may proliferate exponentially. 
21. The owls should come in and take care of that. 
22. At this point there may be 30-40 owls taking up residence in your home. This is your life now. 
23. Pick a favorite owl, and give him or her a little kiss. You want it to know how you really feel, don't you?
24. Your simple gesture of gratitude should make the little fella feel indebted to you. 
25. Try not to act on any sexual urges you may experience toward the owl. 
26. The next night before Owl gets home from work, purchase a nice bottle of wine and pick out a fun new recipe to try. 
27. Time it so the food will be hot and ready just at the time Owl gets home. 
28. Owl, smitten, will make you an Owl Towel. 
29. ................................
30. You thought this How To was for a 'normal' towel, not an Owl Towel? Well you're not the boss of me. You're getting Owl Towels. Also I don't appreciate your tone. You'll get nowhere in life with that attitude.