How To: Play in the Super Bowl

You'll need: 

1. An ounce of chutney 
2. 4 large glasses of salsa
3. A generally bad attitude

Let's get started! First, 

1. Combine salsa and chutney in a large mixing bowl.
2. Place bowl in the fridge for 45 minutes, to allow mixture to cool. 
3. Do a couple of laps around the house while that mixture cools; it will probably be your first exercise in weeks. 
4. Try not to pass out. 
5. If you pass out, make sure your dog is there.
6. Your dog will likely lick your face while you are unconscious. 
7. Awake 30-45 minutes later, confused and covered in dog spit.
8.  Place two bowls on the floor roughly 3 feet from each other. 
9. Explain calmly to your dog that he or she is to chose which will be the 'super bowl'.
10. Impress upon them that this is a very important decision. 
11. When your dog chooses, make it clear that whichever they chose was indeed the 'super' bowl. 
12. Congratulate your dog on its accomplishment. 
13. Walk upstairs.
14. Go into the bathroom and close the door.
15. Agree internally that your dog is planning a revolt.
16. Spy on your dog's activity for week, doing nothing else.
17. When co-workers enquire about your absence from work, calmly explain that you are observing your dog for revolutionary behavior.
18. You will likely be fired. 
19. Use your severance pay to purchase a lakehouse. 
20. Name your newly purchased lakehouse 'Doreen'.
21. Refer to it only as Doreen and demand everyone you know do so.
22. Eventually weave Doreen into every conversation you have.
23. At some point, it will be all you ever talk about.
24. Attempt to return to work. I'm sure they will let you back.