How To: Mail a Package with Art Ester

Part 387 in a Long Running Series

"Everyone that has ever loved me has left me!" If that's how you also feel after 7 minutes waiting in line at a post office, you're in the right place. Post Offices are evil cathedrals of misery. Their mere presence draws all sadness to them, like black holes. However, I have discovered a way to circumvent these death-traps. 

Here's what you'll need. 

1. Four Stamps
2. Eleven Envelopes
3. A Thorough Understanding of Your Town's Sewer Systems. 

Once you can navigate every tunnel and have formed a tolerable level  of friendship with your local Mole - People Representative, you are ready to send your first package! 

Standard Mailing Procedure(s): 

1. Figure out what you are mailing. Tip: Things that are alive or made of water generally require extra stamps.
2. If you are dead-set on keeping your limbs, skip down to step 7. If you are OK losing a couple of non-essential extremities, please continue on to Step 3. 
3. Gently coerce three to five friends to write you letters detailing their thoughts on you. 
4. Tell them, 'Don't worry about my feelings, please; be totally honest!' but not mean it in the slightest.     
5. Become deeply offended when you receive their scathing accounts of your character.
6. Attempt to cheerfully tell them you appreciated their letters but only manage to break down into hysterical fits of sobbing. 
7. Abandon mailing your package, you cannot possibly hope to get out of The Sewers with all of your limbs. If you did your research (like I told you to) you would know this. 
8. You know what? Just forget it. I can't help you if you're not going to listen. On top of it you've probably also done serious damage to the human - Mole People alliance that has been carefully cultivated over the decades. Actually I am almost sure you did, if your general attitude mirrors your obviously poor reading ability.