How To: Yo-Yo with George Winston

Oh hi there How-To'ers! Didn't see ya there, foaming at the mouth for some How -To expertise. Well don't worry folks, big ole nasty GW is here to dispense some How -To wisdom on your meek little asses. I've been putting off this topic for a while, because we all know this one's a doozy; controversial at best, and downright scary at its worst. I'm of course speaking of the magical and mythical world of Yo-yo-ing. Now I know what you're thinking....how can I yo-yo successfully and hold down a full time job? That friend, is a question that has puzzled man for many ages, and I am humble enough to admit I won't be the first to solve it. That's what scientists are for. I do however, know how to "yo". First, let's see what we'll need:

1. 70 large glow-in-the-dark Yo-yos. 
2. Medium sized group of priests (17 works best)
3. The color yellow (NOT purple. NEVER purple!)

OK, let's get into it. First, 

1. Place your yo-yo on the nearest slanted surface. 
2. Stare at it. If it levitates, you are most likely a wizard. 
3. If you are a wizard, purchase long robes and a tower. 
4. DON'T use wizardrentals.com. It seems fine at first but God is it tacky.
5. If you are not a wizard, I apologize. I didn't mean to get your hopes up. Magic powers are really awesome. There's probably nothing in the universe that's cooler. Think of how close you just came to being a powerful demigod capable of bending space and time! You thought maybe, just maybe, this was your big break. Well sorry to break it to you buster but last Saturday when you finished second in mini golf and made that sweet hole in one is it for you. That's as good as it's gonna get. How do I know, you ask? Well, I could be a wizard, and they know everything! How do you know I'm not? Unless you're also also a wizard. Didn't think about that. 
6. Are you still reading this? We're done. I don't care if you learned anything. What was the topic again? This medication makes me dizzy.