How To: Grow Grass with Art Ester

Part 487 in a Long Running Series

Hey there how-toers! Did you miss me? Sorry about the absence, had to deal with some lengthy legal battles over my estate. Mostly related to the fact that I can't locate the darned thing. Have you seen it?  I was keeping most of my ice creamed sandwiches in there. And those don't keep well. Especially not where I put them. 

Anyhoo, let's get right into it. Let's grow some of that grass! You know what I'm talking about. 

Here's what we'll need:

1. 4 hot plates (can be cold)
2. A yellow sweater
3. A sense of impending doom
4. Any amount of yogurt 

OK! We'll then, like my ole Grampa Jimbo said, you can't grow grass without marrying off your first born! But never you mind that. He was an old, old, old, man. 

1.  Take your grass packet out of the freezer where you should have placed it.
2. Put your ear up to it, closely, and listen for signs of life. 
3. Whisper to it, barely audibly, "Hello Grass. Can you hear me?"
4. If it responds, run screaming from the premises and never return. 
5. If it does not, put the packet down on the counter, and stare at it for some length of time. (More time is better.)
6. While staring at it, imagine what your childhood could have been like if you were popular.
7. Decide that it would have been much less sad.
8. Empty the packet onto the floor, and kick the seeds wildly in every direction. 
9. Faster. 
10. Faster.
11. More kicking! Keep kicking! Kick! Seeds! Kick! Seeds!
12. If you can still stand, keep kicking. 
13. Once you are thoroughly exhausted, go outside and get some fresh air. 
14. Oh wow there is grass already out here, all planted.  
15. Head back inside and enquire with your grass as to why it can't be more like the outside grass. 
16. Decide your grass is woefully inadequate, and dive into a deep depression. 
17. Sleep on the floor for several weeks amongst your grass seeds. Your tears may help their growth. 
18. Your tears will NOT help their growth. 
19. While still laying on the floor, call Sally from 4th grade. 
20. Beg her to tell you why she did not go to the dance with you. 
21. When she mentions that she is not Sally, who are you and why are you calling me, swear furiously into the phone until "Sally" hangs up. 
22. You showed her, didn't you.