Local Bugs Strike As Residents "Too Gross"

Local bugs have had it with the volume of trash the residents of Hamsterdam Hill have been producing, and have threatened a broad strike.

“Listen, I like trying to slowly liquidate pizza crusts as much as the next guy, but this is ridiculous,” explained Marty, 0, a fly who has been working West Hamsterdam Hill for his whole life, which is the last four days. “But it’s simply impossible to expect even me and my best guys to take down a whole mountain of garbage every day. What are these people eating?”

A recent study concluded that each Hamsterdam Hill resident produces an astounding twenty pounds of trash per day. Also, the town’s poor trash removal system leaves most of it on the streets.

“Hey, how else are the rats gonna eat?” said local dog brusher Jimbo Jolly, 47. “People don’t think about the rats, or the raccoons, or the trash snakes, but they gotta eat like everyone else. That’s why I always order an extra pizza. For the vermin.”

Hamsterdam Hill residents have, over the years, developed a culture of leaving food outside for local animals, sometimes competing with each other.

“I saw Betty down the block, she left out a plate of lasagna for her pests. I said ‘nu uh, no how is Caroline Abernathy gonna be out done by that floozy’,” said local goat washer Caroline Abernathy, 34. “So I made a whole birthday cake for my insect friends and left it outside. But they barely ate it! It’s like they were tired or something. I figured maybe they just weren’t in the mood for cake. I’ll make them a roast tonight.”

Ancient Mummy Comes to Life, Is Boring

Researchers at the Hamsterdam Hill Anthropological Institute reported one of the most significant findings in the history of the town: a 2,567 year old mummy from a previously unknown people was preserved perfectly, and had in fact burst into life.

"We thought this would be an incredible day,” said lead researcher Perm Friend, 52, “as this mummy is from an entirely new tribe, and in fact even can walk and speak, even after all these years. But the damn thing won’t shut up. And it’s not anything you want to know.”

The ancient man, who can miraculously communicate with local researchers, has been droning on and on ever since he gasped to life shortly after being found by the scientists.

“At first I was super excited, I mean everyone was. But after about the fourth hour of being told how itchy his wrappings are, I’m thinking we should just shut him back in for another 2,567 years,” muttered assistant anthropologist Led Turpentine, 37.

The mummy, identifying itself only as “Gerald”, was interviewed for an hour and a half before the reporter, feeling drowsy, made up an excuse about walking a dog they do not own to remove themselves from the utterly tedious situation.

“You would not believe how dry it is in there,” complained Gerald as several anthropologists struggled to seem interested, “I told my architects, don’t just use these big stone slabs! I mean c’mon there’s no ventilation at all! But they didn’t listen, they used these huge stone slabs, they brought them in from god knows where, but they were so heavy, and drab. I mean, you’re going to use stone, at least get me a nice color! But these were just gray. Gray! I mean can you think of a less interesting color to have to look at for 3,000 years? I can’t, I’ll tell you that. Tan even would have been preferable. Tan is a funny word, isn’t it? I just realized that. It kind of sounds like ‘Dan’. I suppose it is it…….”

Swamp Monster Probably Just Bob

As Hamsterdam Hill Police were once again called to investigate a creature wandering around the marshy wetlands of South Ham Hill, most residents were pretty sure it was just Bob.

“I think it gives him something to do. Putting on the tentacles, the makeup, wandering around and making low, heaving sounds: it’s his thing. He used to do it all the time in college. We would think it’s a hoot,” said local table setter and neighbor Alice Ratbowl, 31.

The Swamp Monster has kicked up a considerable fuss as it has been sneaking up and scaring residents, especially on late night walks.

“I was taking Bowser out, see this is Bowser,” said local paint tester Yardley Fox, 52, pointing to his jack russell terrier, “and suddenly behind us I heard this loud, wet, flapping sound. It was Bob, from down the block, he had startled us a bit but you could see it was clearly him, he had green and black makeup all over his face, and these long rubber hoses taped to his arms. He made some heaving noises, but he was still wearing his Reeboks so I just said hullo.”

Reports of Monsters in town have increased 567% in recent weeks, coinciding with Mayor Harrington’s “Be Scared!” campaign, in which he promised $83 a week to anyone in town who dresses up like a monster and scares fellow residents.

“We’ve become too complacent in this town. What would you do if you came across a real mummy, or perhaps a Frankenstein, hmmmm? Why you would be flummoxed. But I hope now we’ll have hordes of you imbeciles roaming the streets, preparing us for the time when, inevitably, monsters will invade,” Mayor Harrington noted in his weekly address, “Now flee, townspeople! Get out there and be scared!” The Mayor yelled, before releasing his hounds on the assembled press.

Mayor Harrington Insists Electric Ooze is "Healthy"

Mayor Harrington was forced to hold a press conference from the balcony of his palace this morning, after dozens of terrified residents called into Hamsterdam Hill’s Ooze hotline.

“Listen, people of Ham Hill. We have had many sorts of oozes here over the years. Fiery ones, smelly ones, even cheese ones. This one may be full of electricity, but I say welcome it with open arms. Not literally, though, don’t touch it. It will kill you in an instant.”

The large wave of viscous, electric fluid has been slowly advancing towards the town’s center ever since Ham Hill Syrup & Electric had a major malfunction last week.

“People said we were crazy for making maple syrup and electricity at the same plant,” remarked CEO of Ham Hill Syrup & Electric Cram Rabble Bam, 45, standing on the outskirts of the plant, which was now a sticky ruin. “Turns out they were totally right. We shouldn’t have done this. Christ!” Rabble Bam shouted, as he dodged the sweet, deadly ooze.

The accident reportedly started when a worker attached the syrup production hose into the electricity generator. “You see, I usually handle the syrup production only. But after management fired the entire electricity division last Tuesday, we syrup makers were asked to work syrup and electricity, for ‘synergy’. Just a little miscommunication on the hoses,” admitted syrup hose operator Zandy Puffpants, 27, as electrified plumes of syrup leapt into the air behind her.

Opportunistic entrepreneurs have already sprung out of the woodwork to take advantage of the sticky bonanza.

“Get your Special Syrup here! Add a kick to your pancakes, and run your washer and dryer for mere pennies!” advertised local barn sniffer and entrepreneur Vlad Arp, 32, who had set up a makeshift stand selling bottles of the electrified syrup. “This substance isn’t a blight, it’s an energy revolution! See?” said Arp, who poured an entire bottles’ contents into his car’s gas tank. The car idled for a moment before bursting into flames.

“Well, revolutions aren’t always pretty, you know what I mean?” said Arp, while tamping down the flames with a towel. “Special Syrup, now just a dollar!”

Local Children Demand Dinosaurs

A group of local children in Hamsterdam Hill has declared that they are sick and tired of being ignored by Hamsterdam Hill’s leadership, and also that they would like “Candy, now……please.”

“We don’t feel that it is right for an entire group to be totally locked out of decisions that will affect our lives,” said leader of Kids four Kongress, Robby, 12. “And also, we feel the amount of vegetables, just in general, is totally unfair.”

The kids have been meeting in Robby’s treehouse for the past few weeks, and several proposals have leaked to the press. One policy document was mostly just a picture of a dinosaur.

“It’s a Triceratops,” boasted Robin, 8, while showing off her proposal. “It has three horns that help protect it from T-Rex. Frankly, the amount of dinostores in this town is embarrassing. That’s why my bill calls for 400% more dinostores.”

The children were expected to release their full set of demands on Thursday morning, but were beset by internal strife, mostly relating to who is taller, Bobby or Annie.

“We went back-to-back, and it’s clear. I’m taller by this much,” shouted Bobby, 10, holding his hands together to indicate a large amount that was clearly wrong.

“I can see the top of your head,” noted Annie, 11, as she looked down at the obviously shorter Bobby.

Local Dog Can See Future

Local beagle and dachshund mix Trixie, 4, has been able to see the future for the past three days, but has thus far been unable to pass along her learnings of the universe to her owners, causing great consternation in the 14 pound animal.

Trixie was taken for a walk several days ago when a passing spacecraft accidentally beamed the future-seeing ability down while Gorlack V, 345, was cleaning the controls.

“I was doing too many things at once,” said the ancient nine foot tall alien, “and I spilled my coffee all over the future button. I was trying to clean it and I accidentally pressed it. Trolon is going to kill me.”

For the past three days, Trixie has become acutely aware of the next 5 billion years of the universe, seeing life go extinct on her planet before it is swallowed by the expanding sun.

She has been trying to communicate that the seas will boil to her owners, first by barks and scratches, and more recently by digging lots of holes in the backyard.

The chipmunk population in Trixie’s yard has been decimated, as she now knows the exact moment when the rodents will emerge from their dens. Seeking desperately to inform her owners about the massive forest fires that will engulf the town in 2041, she has carried four semi-alive chipmunks into her house, dropping the wet, wriggling creatures on her owner’s lap.

Goblin Art Gallery Opens

Townsfolk from all over Hamsterdam Hill flocked to Main St. for the opening of the first Goblin Art Gallery. The gallery was bought by a small cadre of goblins several years ago, reportedly using ancient, cursed coins that they had found deep in the caves of East Ham Hill, where they and much of the goblin population resides.

“I thought it was strange when the chest of coins opened in the middle of the night, and started screaming,” said former owner of the gallery Bo Bob, 56. “But hey, Goblins’ money is as good as any. And I just closed that chest and everything has been fine since. Occasionally I find tiny ghosts in my cereal, but that’s about it.”

Residents flocked to the gallery to see the unusual artwork, all done by local artisan goblins.

“I like this one because it looks so much like a hand. It’s uncanny,” observed local student Roger Yips, 17, pointing to an extremely lifelike sculpture of a human hand. The hand then beckoned the young man closer with one finger, causing several onlookers to simultaneously vomit.

“I’ve just never seen so much art that I felt was actually evil. Everything in here feels like it has a soul, but in a malevolent way, you know?” remarked local tile smoother Ed Zed, 45, as he took in a peculiar work that was just a bunch of teeth hovering in the air, held aloft by some mysterious force.

The goblins have been a welcome presence in the town ever since they emerged from the Great Gold Caves around a decade ago, as they help control the Demon Goat population, which had reached unsustainable levels in recent times.

Blood Bay Opens to Great Fanfare

Hamsterdam Hill’s long-awaited waterpark, Blood Bay, opened to much fanfare last weekend. Its opening was highly anticipated, as it is the world’s only theme park that features thousands of ravenous vampire bats.

“We get especially big vampire bats out here in Blood Bay. Nobody knows why. But they sure do make for an exciting day. Bring the whole family, and lose some of that blood! What are you using all that blood for anyway? It’s simply weighing you down!” boomed Blam Skunkmyer, 56, the proprietor and creator of Blood Bay, at the grand opening.

Visitors have been thrilled all week by the giant bats that terrorize them on the way to and from various classic amusement park attractions, such as the Hurl-a-Whirl, ferris wheel, and bat-themed roller coaster.

“I am just so sick of regular theme parks, which hardly have any winged, carnivorous mammals. I went to Six Flags last month and I left after 15 minutes. I asked their front desk: ‘Where are your flying beasts?’ and they just looked at me, they couldn’t even answer they were so embarrassed. Oh shit!” shouted Kathy Glab, 44, of West Hamsterdam Hill, as she batted away a pack of voracious bats.

The vampire bats of Blood Bay are roughly double the size of a regular vampire bat, and do not wait until it is totally dark to feed as is the norm for the species, making them a constant presence in the park.

“We really do think it’s important that the bats are an unnerving menace at all times to our guests,” Skunkmyer noted, “Our valued customers come from all around the world for the bats, and they stay for the bats. Though not usually for very long. Most guests run, screaming, back out of the park mere moments after they enter.”

Local Man Has Only Ever Eaten Soup

Local mouse enthusiast and grape repairman Crab Daniels, 42, has admitted after another failed first date that he has never eaten anything but soup.

“I just like it. Look, other foods there’s only one variety of the thing. Steak is steak. You grill it, end of story. BORING. Soup has a million possibilities. Hot soups, cold soups. Chicken soup, potato soup, butternut squash soup. There’s even cucumber soup. People knock cold soups but there’s some really strong ones,” Daniels noted, while tucking into a large bowl of minestrone.

Daniels gives a lot of credit to his parents, who encouraged his soup eating early on.

“Kids laughed at me in school. But my mom said, she said,” as Daniels teared up slightly, “she said ‘Crab, you eat your soup and you eat it proud. You’re my big soup boy’. And that was enough for me. I knew from then on I could only ever eat soup, to show those kids that I am the biggest soup boy."

As Daniel’s story has attracted local media attention, acquaintances have come out of the woodwork questioning Daniels’ account.

“This soup story? I don’t buy it. I saw him eat a taco once,” revealed fellow mouse enthusiast Corn Van, 32. “Sure as the sun shines. We rented a taco truck for one of our Mouse Monthly meetings. He must have had someone buy it for him but I saw him scarfing the thing down behind the dumpster. He was trying to be quiet but he was actually eating it quite loudly, making all sorts of ‘mmmm’ sounds. Makes sense, if you only ate soup for thirty years. Tacos are really good.”

Sexy Beetles Envelope Town

By Sunday Night, it was reported by dozens of locals that small, green, pearlescent beetles were everywhere, and that they were making people feel…excited.

“I saw these little fellers, I mean they are beautiful. They have the most beautiful wings, these cute antennae, and their legs, don’t get me going on the legs,” gushed local turkey inspector Torn Drippy, 56, before excusing himself.

The beetles, unknown in origin, roughly an inch long, and numbering in the thousands, have ground the town to a halt.

“I couldn’t get anyone to do anything today. I just told my pharmacists to take the day off after they spent all morning staring out the window at the things. They damn near tripped over themselves running out the door to go talk to the beetles. Now I never in all my life—oh, hello, what’s your name?" asked Ham Hill Rx owner Martha Hallyhap, 61, after getting distracted by a beetle prancing by.

Mayor Harrington held a press conference in the town square in an attempt to quell the Beetlemania.

“Listen, people of Hamsterdam Hill. I know it is hard to focus when all of these sexy beetles are batting their wings at you. You want to ask them out to dinner, or maybe just for a drink. But remember: we still have to get our work done. You can all flirt with the beetles after work. I’m sure they will oblige, now it is certain that we will get through this…” said Mayor Harrington, before a beetle landed on his podium. “Where was I? Yes we shall endure as a town and….” the Mayor trailed off as his eyes flitted between the crowd and the beetle. “We are a hardworking folk here in Hamsterdam Hill, we do not get distr—” the mayor then covered the mic poorly before whispering to the beetle.

“What am I doing later? Well I think I just had a cancellation.”