Local Cabbage Church Burns Down

The Hamsterdam Hill Fire Brigade responded to a late night call around 4:06 AM Thursday night, to find the Cabbage Church totally engulfed in flames.

“We got there as quickly as we could, but cabbages are quite flammable. Whole place went up in seconds. And good god, the smell. Do you know what burnt cabbage smells like? It’s like old pants, on fire. Anyway, we get there, and get everyone out safe, but they’re begging us to go back in, after some ancient cabbage relic.”

It has now been confirmed that while every member of the Cabbage Church survived, one of their great artifacts, the Great Stinky Leaf, allegedly part of All-Cabbage, was destroyed in the fire.

“You just think, why me? Why was I allowed to survive, while the Great Stinky Leaf is left to die? Only All-Cabbage knows, and we must trust His judgement,” observed local grease detective and cabbage worshiper Track Rabblebam, 24.

The Cabbage Church has grown exponentially in Hamsterdam Hill ever since its members settled in the remote town twelve years ago, having been rejected as a tax-exempt religion by forty-seven states. It is based around a belief system that All-Cabbage, a massive, floating, sentient cabbage, created the world 34 years ago.

“We were just so happy to have found a home, after so few people understood us. Here in Hamsterdam Hill, people don’t care if you worship a giant, all-knowing cabbage. In fact, our membership has never been stronger. We had 14 people join just last week,” remarked the Ham Hill Cabbage Church chapter leader, Poppie Flab, 51.

“Honestly, I’m just here for the food. You got cabbage soup, fried cabbage, stuffed cabbage, corned beef and cabbage, and that’s it really. But those four dishes are super solid. Cabbage soup has to be my favorite. The cabbage gets all wet and translucent, so its trash-like flavor can really shine through,” said one of the churches newest members, Borlack JohnsonMcJohnson, 17.

The Cabbage Church believes that only by ingesting cabbage can one be truly holy, and that by eating it several times a day, they are imbued with the great powers of All-Cabbage. This leads some of their members to have a slightly green, sickly hue, which can make them easily spotted around town. That and the fact that the Cabbage Church requires its members to be totally naked at all times, wearing only a Cabbage Crown, which consists of three cabbages stapled together.

Hoagie Shop Employee says 4th Dimension "Actually Pretty Blah"

Local beet tester Grad Korbak, 34, claims he has successfully traveled to the 4th dimension and back several times, and that it is “nothing to write home about.”

“Listen, you have your pretty garden-variety twelve foot mushrooms, your sentient, flying tacos, but beyond that, it’s really not that interesting,” said Korbak, while holding what looked like a cat that was constantly changing colors. “Oh this? this is a hyperdimensional being that I sometimes hang out with. It’s a cat.” The cat looked up disapprovingly at Korbak before speaking, in perfect English.

“I’ve told you, I am not a cat. I merely inhabit one so your puny brain does not immediately explode upon witnessing me. I’ll have that hoagie now,” said the cat, before transforming instantly into a human form, and sitting at a table, tapping its fingers expectantly.

Korbak, an employee at Brad’s Hoagies and Hardware, stumbled upon the 4th dimension one day while cleaning the stockroom.

“I was moving the circular saws out of the way so i could really get in there, clean it good, and what do you know there’s a hole in the floor. But this hole was different, it was shimmery. So i threw a can of paint in it and whattaya know it disappeared! So I said ‘Grad, you jump in that hole’. And I did.”

Korbak has reportedly tired of interdimensional travel, after only a few short trips.

“The last couple of times have been okay I guess. If you close your eyes while standing at the peak of the Time Mountain and look to the horizon, you can see the whole past, present, and future of the planet, all happening simultaneously. But after you’ve seen it once, you’ve kind of seen it, you know? Like Goodfellas. Not as good the second time.”

Ice Cream Shop's New "Blood" Flavor is Big Hit

Darryl and Bobie Hannah’s ice cream shop near town square recently unveiled their latest ice cream flavor, “Blood”, to much fanfare.

“I just thought, you know when you bite your lip and it starts bleeding and you kind of like the taste of the blood? What if that was ice cream?” mused Bobie Hannah, 64, longtime owner of the Hamsterdam Hill institution Bobie’s Treats.

Townsfolk have been coming in droves ever since the new flavor was introduced.

“I thought the whole idea was gross, but then I tried a free sample and I just couldn’t stop! Once you try a bite or two you go into a blind, feral type of tunnel vision. It’s neat!” remarked Rodney Cabwab, 15, of West Ham Hill, before eating his recently purchased Blood Cone in two vicious gulps.

Locals have started lining up for the new flavor well before dawn, despite the small shop not opening until 11AM.

“I haaad a job. Didn’t need it, didn’t need it. Gotta get up to get here, you know?” stammered Drak Yorbin, 23, who was first in line at 4AM for his next Blood Cone. “It’s just so, metally and, SMOOTH tasting,” continued Yorbin, while hugging himself and licking his lips, “ I feel like I have more ENERGY with it. Like I can run a marathon, or eat a deer raw.”

Local police have reported a number of strange activities since the Hannahs released their hit flavor, including many more people wearing long cloaks and walking around in the middle of the night.

“Usually the night shift is pretty boring. Small town, and all that. But recently, I’ve had dozens of folks out every night, muttering things about castles, or asking me when the ice cream shop opens. I’ve talked to a fella a few moments ago I said ‘get on home, it’s 3AM!’ but he yelled something at me about immortality and I left it at that.”

Boy Admits he is 1,000 year old Martian

Local Boy Martin Martingaleface, 7, held a press conference outside his advanced treehouse to admit that he is in fact a 1,200 year old Martian who has telepathically convinced George and Agnes Martingaleface that he was their little boy.

“It is with deep regret that I publicly announce that I am in fact a Martian,” said Martingaleface, without opening his mouth, to an enthralled group of townsfolk.

“I had intended to be an envoy, who, after ingratiating myself with the local population, would send word back to Mars that Earthlings were suitable intergalactic partners. Quite obviously, you are not.” A hush fell over the crowd.

“I mean c’mon guys, you haven’t even been to Mars yet. We’re literally the next planet over. I can travel from here to Mars and back in a millisecond.” Martingale disappeared briefly before reappearing. “See? I was just on Mars.” The crowd began to get restless, and confused. “It’s called teleportation, people! Simple stuff. And you’ve been evolving for a million years already? You really should at the very least have figured out basic antimatter propulsion.”

Several locals expressed less surprise than others at the shocking announcement.

"I knew that boy wasn’t right,” confirmed local beetle enthusiast Norm Pantshole, 44. “He vaporized my poor Billy with a ray gun, before reversing time with some sort of wristwatch, making Billy re-materialize. But ever since, Billy will only eat pickle sandwiches, and he has to be hanging upside down while eating them. I took that Martingaleface boy’s ray gun and told him he could have it back after a time out. Only fair.”

“We always knew our little Martin was a bit different,” admitted Agnes Martingaleface, 34, the boy’s mother. “You just have a feeling, as a mother, when your boy is special. Also the fact that he materialized in our living room in a burst of white light one day six years ago. And that he can move things with his mind. It’s those little things that only a mother knows.”

Martingaleface concluded his press conference with a warning. “I’ve talked to the Space Council, and they’re willing to give you all one millenium to get your shit together.” Confused whispers shot through the crowd. Martingale sighed heavily before continuing.

“A millennium is 1,000 years,” explained Martingaleface. Many “I knew that’s” were muttered.

“And I’ll have you know, I argued hard for that. I do enjoy you stupid earthlings, and your simple pleasures, such as your slobbering friends known as do-ogs. I shall now be one for the next 1,000 years to observe and report on your progress. That is all.”

Martingaleface then transformed into an adorable beagle, before concluding his press conference with a bark, and leaping off stage.

Escaped Intelligent Bear Opens Salmon Store

Several locals have reported a new salmon store has recently opened in the parking lot of the Ham Hill Wilderness Reserve. It is apparently run by an actual bear, who it is rumored escaped a local mad scientist’s laboratory.

The semi-intelligent bear set up his shop approximately three weeks ago, to rave reviews from townsfolk. The shop consists of a wet jumble of tree stumps, upon which various torn apart salmon are displayed. The bear is usually seen from around 12-4PM, proudly sitting behind his wares. The bear impressively seems to have a rudimentary grasp of language, having scratched a “Salmen Four Sail” sign in the tree stumps.

“His prices are amazing! If you can get over that the salmon is sometimes half eaten, you can’t beat it. I just leave him a pile of blueberries, and he’s usually cool with that. I do say usually, though,” remarked local egg watcher Coreyfart Jim, 23, who showed off an impressive gash in her forearm. “His prices change sometimes, without warning. At no other fish store is the threat of mauling so present. It’s very thrilling!”

“Best fish store in town. Hands down. Look at that salmon,” observed Marty Edbert, 47, while pointing at the bright red fish that was still moving slightly on the tree stumps. Meanwhile, the bear was taking a well earned break, rubbing his butt on a tree behind his store, making satisfied noises. “Him and that tree,” Edbert chuckled, while tearing up. “I wish I had a love like that, you know? A real, visceral love.” Edbert began crying as he got back in his pickup, yelling out the window, “You cherish that, bear, y’hear! Cherish it!”

The bear is reportedly the result of extensive and highly illegal experiments done by local mad scientist Dr. Abner Doom. “Do you know how many test subjects you need to go through before successfully combining human intelligence with a bear body?” asked Dr. Doom, 69, who has been investigated several times by Ham Hill Police.

“I mean, purely hypothetically, you need 47.”

Man Arrested After Illegal Tiny-Pool Building

At 11:58PM Ham Hill Police finally arrested Frank Delimarket, 45, of West Hamsterdam Hill, after many residents complained of tiny pools being built in their backyards. The illegal activity has continued unabated for almost three months now, all in the dead of night.

“What I did is, I hide under their porch during the day,” Delimarket explained at his preliminary court hearing. “Alls you gotta do is wait ‘til they go sleepy-sleep, then you can build all the pools’ ya want!”

When Delimarket was asked why he didn’t simply wait until residents went on vacation, he replied, “Boring. Hidin’ under porches is fun. Plus, there’s all sorts a bugs down there that want to be your friend.”

“They really are nice pools,” observed Katie Jesus, 31, when looking at the 17 tiny completed pools now occupying most of her backyard, many outfitted with ornate tiling or multi-colored, inset lights. “Only problem is, they’re very little. See? You can really only fit one leg in. I’m worried Howard, my husband, might get stuck. He’s not as fit as in his bachelor days,” she explained, while rubbing her belly, grinning.

Some residents are enthralled at the new additions to their homes.

“I just don’t understand why they arrested an artist! I mean look at them, they’re beautiful!” shouted local shaman Jaclyn Jerryberry, 52, as she stared in awe at Delimarket’s 32 creations, dotted all across her property, constructed the Tuesday night previous. “Also, they’ve attracted all sorts of local dogs, that drink out of them! I got a bunch of new dogs now.”

Giant Baby Elected to Town Supreme Court

As the latest results for the Hamsterdam Hill Supreme Court rolled in early Wednesday morning, it became clear that the dark horse candidate Doug, 1, would be the winner in a landslide. Doug is the only known Giant Baby in existence, measuring at more than 7 feet in length and weighing over 300 pounds.

Political experts are stunned, but residents have voiced their fervent support for the Baby in recent days.

“Adults have been in charge for a long time, and what have they done for us? Nothin’! It’s time to let a baby take the wheel,” yelled local egg watcher Yanni Quicklestein, 31.

The Baby, son of local couple Barb and Henry Dorkmouth, is expected to be sworn in sometime next week as Chief Justice. His parents are thrilled. “I mean, we had always hoped our little Dougie would get a good paying job, but nothing so soon! This is very helpful for our finances, as he eats over three goats a day.”

The Baby’s election has been fiercely contested, as he will be expected to preside over the much publicized Ham Hill vs. Baby Mobiles Unlimited, in which the local baby mobile manufacturer was expected to be held to task for its many years of negligent labor practices, including refusing overtime pay, dangerously insufficient maintenance of factory equipment, and widespread use of banned chemicals in its products.

This election however, has left prosecutors adamant justice will be served in the upcoming trial.

“There was a clear and direct influence of Baby Mobiles Unlimited on this election. We will not stand by the Baby Court’s likely decision and will be appealing immediately,” declared lead prosecutor Waldorf Salad, 67.

Many independent court observers also note the obvious finger on the scale, as an anonymous donor contributed over $1 million dollars to the Giant Baby’s election fund a mere week before the election took place.

The money helped fuel an aggressive marketing campaign backing Giant Baby, with signs popped up all around town with slogans like “This Baby’s Got Your Back” and “Vote for Giant Baby! He’s a Giant Baby!”

As of press time, it was reported that in the wee hours of Wednesday morning, a massive mobile had been delivered and installed in Giant Baby’s home, featuring an adorable assortment of sharks, fish, and octopuses.

Area Man Angry With Cat, Who Cannot Get Enough Pets

Local grass cleaner Dav Tirkentile, 41, has reportedly had it up to “here” with his five-year-old orange tabby cat, Jasper, who will not leave him the fuck alone.

“It’s like, I pet him for a while, that’s cool, I get it, but the damn thing is all over me. I tried to go on my computer for two seconds and he sat on my keyboard and started putting his claws in my face.”

Jasper, who is known around the house as “an asshole”, has also been known to drink any glass of liquid, and knock it over in the process.

“He started drinking my coffee the other day. I’m pretty sure that’s really bad for him, but the damn thing doesn’t know any better. Then when I yelled at him, he knocked my mug off the counter and it shattered. It’s like he hates us.”

Jasper, when reached for comment, howled angrily when this reporter approached, but accepted pets eventually, and then, demanded them.

Ham Hill Residents Complain About Exceedingly Normal Week

It was reported at 8:53AM local time that many Hamsterdam Hill townsfolk have had it with the very normal week they have been having.

“It’s like jesus, can’t we have something happen?” complained local hair massager Corinne Traintime, 32. “All this week: just work, enjoying time with my family, and going out and having some drinks with friends. When will it end? I swear to god if I have to continue my routine as usual, uninterrupted, I’m just going to scream.”

Local business owners have also been perturbed at the totally humdrum week, desperate for something even slightly unusual.

“I’ve been selling pies at a totally ordinary rate,” moaned Gary Lord, 42, owner of Lord’s Pies. “The whole week’s been, ‘Hello, how are you? Oh, blueberry? Great, I’ll get that for you right away.’ There was one day when I thought I saw a person wearing a strange hat, but it turned out they were just carrying a box on their head. I guess that’s a bit weird right? Carrying a box on your head? Don’t see that every day!”

The police department, usually overrun with UFO sightings, violent restaurant owners, and supernatural apparitions, has been hit especially hard by the run-of-the-mill week.

“What’ve I been doing? Catching up on paperwork. It’s awful,” whined police chief Sandy Sandy, 56. “By this time in my day I’ve usually already broken up at least one illegal ferret ring. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I’ve had time to file a police report. Jesus, it’s fucking miserable. Look at all these lines. I have to write something on all of them.”

Hot Dog Vendor Denies Using Exotic Meats

Fans of the Ham Hill Long Stockings, Hamsterdam Hill’s semi-pro baseball team, have been alarmed over reports that local hot dog vendor Seb Wheeler, 52, is using exotic meats in his signature “Ham Hill Dogs”.

“I gotta say, they taste like hot dogs, but I swear I thought I saw a bat fly out of his stall the other day. And I don’t want to be eating bat unless I know I’m eating bat. I mean, hell, I’ll eat a bat. But I want to know I’m eating it. That’s my choice!” demanded local hot dog aficionado Randy Garbagepatch, 41.

Wheeler has strenuously denied the accusations that his dogs are laced with strange meat.

"I only use the finest skeletal meats in my dogs, ok? Nothing that I can’t chase down. I have a rule. If I can’t strangle it with my bare hands, it doesn’t go in my dogs. Simple as that. Do you know how hard it is to strangle a bat? Near impossible. I’ve put many hours into trying.”

Wheeler has been a fixture at Ham Hill Long Stockings games for years. He is best known for his cheery disposition, and unusual scars.

“Is that a rat bite?” Asked Fred Jabson, 8, as Wheeler’s forearm was inadvertently revealed upon handing the boy a signature dog at a recent ball game.

“Uh, of course not kid! Don’t you worry about ole Seb. See, a rat bite would be much deeper, like this one, on my le—I mean, of course not, no rat or snake or definitely not mongoose bites, anywhere here. Never been bitten by a mongoose, and not on that arm certainly.”