Area Man Angry With Cat, Who Cannot Get Enough Pets

Local grass cleaner Dav Tirkentile, 41, has reportedly had it up to “here” with his five-year-old orange tabby cat, Jasper, who will not leave him the fuck alone.

“It’s like, I pet him for a while, that’s cool, I get it, but the damn thing is all over me. I tried to go on my computer for two seconds and he sat on my keyboard and started putting his claws in my face.”

Jasper, who is known around the house as “an asshole”, has also been known to drink any glass of liquid, and knock it over in the process.

“He started drinking my coffee the other day. I’m pretty sure that’s really bad for him, but the damn thing doesn’t know any better. Then when I yelled at him, he knocked my mug off the counter and it shattered. It’s like he hates us.”

Jasper, when reached for comment, howled angrily when this reporter approached, but accepted pets eventually, and then, demanded them.