Squidman's Restaurant Opens to Widespread Confusion

The Squidman, also known as Marty Godfried, 39, unveiled his new seafood restaurant, Squiddie’s, this Saturday to great fanfare. Some diners, however, found the opening evening unnerving.

“I just felt like the whole time he was giving me the evil eye while I was eating calamari,” noted local drain clogger Fran Rantan, 34. “But also maybe that’s just how he looks at people. I mean, he has giant squid eyes.”

“Some people say that I’m unlucky to have the top half be the squid half,” Godfried explained, “but I actually think it’s the ideal situation. Sure, I can’t ever kiss a woman, but I can wear pants, so that’s neat. Also, no one fucks with you.”

Local dog greeter Gorlock Frankenstein, 71, also felt uneasy during his meal. “He greeted us warmly as we sat down, but as soon as I dug into my squid ink tagliatelle, I could swear I heard him sobbing on the other side of my booth. I don’t know why he doesn’t just serve steak or something.”

Godfried remains adamant that he can run any type of restaurant, regardless of the type of fare.

“Listen, I want everyone to know how normal I am. See, I can eat calamari too! Just like Bob down the block, or Howard at the hardware store.” Godfried then smiled slightly before slowly raising a small piece of fried squid to his beak and biting off a tiny piece. “See, it’s fine! I really like it. ……Umm….Just give me one moment,” Godfried added, before rushing to the bathroom and vomiting violently.

Local Man Drives Through Own House

Disturbed neighbors reported that local pickle inspector Tram Mailman, 36, rammed his minivan clean through his house. Police were called to the scene at 6AM on Saturday morning to quickly realized that the only casualty was Mailman himself, who was thrown from his vehicle after driving it through his own living room. Mailman miraculously only sustained mild injuries, as he did not have a windshield at the time.

Tram appeared unfazed following the incident.

“Everybody made fun of old Tram. ‘Tram, why don’t you get a windshield?’ they said. ‘Tram it’s raining I’m getting wet’ they said. ‘Tram I can’t see my eyes are watering’ they said. But who’s saying stuff now? Me! I’m saying it. And I got to knock down my house for free! They were gonna make my pay for that.”

Mailman was apparently demolishing his house on purpose, as he suspects gold to be underneath.

“Ever since I bought this property, I had a hunch there was somethin’ pretty underneath it. You see the rocks in my yard? They’re shiny as hell. That’s evidence right there.”

Local geologists report no evidence of gold on the property. “I’m not sure which shiny rocks he’s referring too, but a few do seem to be wet.”

“You gotta keep your rocks fresh! I like to water ‘em in the morning. Can’t have them dyin’ on you, “ Mailman remarked, as he hosed down a large collection of rocks in his front yard. “See, I told you they were shiny. They got secrets, they just ain’t tellin’…..yet.”

Mystical Island Discovered in Ham Hill Bay

At 1:35PM local time it was reported that local trash exporter Fritz Crustburger, 54, bumped into an island entirely untouched by modern civilization.

“I was just doing my usual divin’ for shiny trash, and when I came up from a’snorklin’ I realized i was on a beach i never’d seen before! Naturally I had to inquire within as to if they have any exciting garbage they’d be willin’ to part with.”

The island, only a mile or so off the coast and nestled in Ham Hill Bay, contains all manner of natural wonders including an endemic group of apparently hyper intelligent beings.

“I walked up to one of them creatures, only way I can describe it is if a lizard was also a ghost rhinoceros?” Crustburger continued, breathlessly, “I was terrified so I turned to run but my legs wouldn’t move. The beast then sort of cocked its head and looked at me, and suddenly I felt my gout disappear! Then it started talking to me without moving its mouth, like it was inside my head! It said ‘Hello, Stinky Man, Welcome to Romanthia. I am Senator Dros, Ambassador to the Outerlands. Please, Enjoy a Complimentary Sourcake. It is Made of Pure Earth and Light, and Will Solve Your Maladies.’”

Upon receiving the sourcake, Crustburger took a bite and immediately threw up. His body, used to ingesting exclusively whiskey and beef jerky, was incapable of processing the ultra healthy ingredients.

Debate since the landmark scientific discovery has centered on why a mystical island home to helpful beings has only just been revealed to local residents. Suspicion has largely fallen around Mayor Harringtons ‘NO BOATS, DADGUMMIT’ policy, which restricts boat permits to only whoever Mayor Harrington deems worthy. As of press time, the only boat permits ever granted have been to the Mayor himself, and his 4 lb. Yorkshire Terrier, Wendy.

“Wendy is a girl of the seas!” The mayor stammered in a terse statement to reporters outside of his Mayoral Palace shortly after the discovery. “She can’t be tied to the land, she is too precious! Also, I can’t have you filthy mongrel townsfolk bumping into Romanthia all the time. First of all, you’d probably immediately eat the Romanthians. They’re quite good on toast, I’ve…heard. Then you’d all demand Romanthian luxuries, like coal-free water. You know it’s a myth that coal isn’t healthful. Why coal is good for you! I eat it as a snack. Excellent for the teeth. It is a known fact that humans simply have too many teeth, and munching on coal can really help with—” Mayor Harrington trailed off, before scurrying into his Mayoral AirBus, a massive, building-size hot air balloon that was idling nearby, and ascending to the skies.

As is Mayoral Decree, Wendy shall assume head-of-state responsibilities until Mayor Harrington’s return. Mayoral air trips usually last anywhere from three weeks to a year.

Extraterrestrial Shocks Townsfolk by Purchasing Black Licorice

At 2:09AM Ham Hill PD confirmed that several townsfolk had reported seeing a short, pale, green-gray humanoid purchasing an XL bag of black licorice at Dan’s Cigarettes n’ Junk, and were deeply disturbed by what they witnessed.

“I mean, I never seen one of them space aliens, but also, who the fuck buys an XL bag of black licorice? That stuff’s gross,” observed local egg watcher Thad Duncan, 24.

The shop owner was also dumbfounded by what he witnessed.

“I was so dadgum surprised, I mean, right hand to god this seemed like he was actually buying an extra large bag of black licorice! I ain’t sold one of those in the 32 years i’ve run my shop — I had totally forgotten I even had a bag kicking around. He must’ve had to rummage past the kitty litter even to get to it. Oh yeah, and he certainly seemed to be a bona fide space martian. He came right up to the counter, dropped three glowing coins, and just walked out like it was a normal Tuesday afternoon. I was so shocked he bought that licorice, I plum forgot to tell him that I don’t accept radioactive currency!”

Additional eyewitnesses corroborated seeing a small green man arrive at the gravel parking lot of the popular shop in an oblong craft about the size of a Fiat. The spaceship made no sound as it hovered several feet above the ground, until the extraterrestrial emerged from the vehicle, apparently emitting a disgruntled groan while doing so. Eyewitnesses also reported that the creature was muttering to itself as it walked to the shop, something along the lines of “can’t believe” and “have to write a report on this shithole”.

Local electrical outlet tester and dog stylist Wanda Jetson, 46, was also flabbergasted at the visitor.

“I had just picked up my weekly carton of Marlboros and was about to get in my pickup and sure enough, clear as day, space alien, walking right across that parking lot. I said to myself ‘Wanda, you pinch yourself right now, cuz I cannot believe my eyes. What is he, not wearing shoes?’ What kind of intergalactic being doesn’t wear shoes? Just doesn’t make sense to me. I mean you’re an alien, sure, fine, whatever, but no shoes?? Insane. Does it know there might be nails in that parking lot? How could it know, for sure?”

Local Dad Wears Homemade Halloween Costume, Despite Son's Protests

Local man Gerald Windstick, 43, wore a complicated and flamboyant costume heavily based on “Doc” Brown from Back to The Future for this year’s Halloween, despite his son’s repeated demands that he not do so. Mr. Windstick rebuffed his son’s request that he “mail in his costume like every other normal parent” and simply “wear a Darth Vader mask but keep it flipped up on the top of your head most of the time, so you are being slightly festive without embarrassing me”.

Instead, Windstick spent weeks perfecting his ideal Doc Brown costume, even going so far as to build a crude “flux capacitor” out of spare tubing that he had found in the back of his garage. “Listen son, I get one time a year when I can be a little silly and break out of the box corporate America has put me in, and by god, I’m going to take it. You and your friends can be silly whenever you want! But when is it Daddy’s time? Halloween, that’s when. And if you think I’m not going to yell ‘GREAT SCOTT!’ at least a couple times when we open the door to your friend’s houses, my boy you better get ready for it.”

Danny Windstick, 10, wonders when “Daddy will ever go back to work” and is increasingly exasperated with his father’s dinner options. “I’m fine with PB&Js sometimes, but yesterday we just had beans that he heated over the stove. He tried to tell me to imagine we were camping, but I don’t like camping.”

Seasonal "Autumn Boy" Celebrations Come to Abrupt End

At 11:48PM on only the second day of the yearly Autumn Boy celebrations, it was reported that all festivalgoers had fled the premises after a catastrophic explosion of the massive “Happy Cider” tanker, filled with 21,000 gallons of the town’s most popular hard apple cider.

The annual fall festival is based on the ancient regional folk tale of the Autumn Boy. It is said that hundreds of years ago, their lived a small boy who, late at night, sneaked into his parent’s cupboard and ate the last piece of Rhubarb & Meat pie, which in those days was the most delicious pie of all. After wolfing the piece down with the cupboard door still open, the boy headed back to bed, confident of his crime’s success. But just as he stepped on the first stair, he heard a bone-chilling whisper from somewhere in the shadows.

“Oh little boy, ye likes the rhubarb pie?”

The little boy froze in place, terrified, as the formless voice continued,

“Then he who eats the pie shall become a pie forevermore!”

And in one swift motion, a witch appeared from the darkness and cast a spell on the boy, who deftly ducked, avoiding the spell which rebounded off of a hallway mirror directly back onto the spellcaster, who promptly turned into a rhubarb pie for eternity. The folk tale is meant to instill the value of stealing, which in Hamsterdam Hill culture is considered a noble pursuit and currently the third most popular major at Ham Hill University.

The Happy Cider tanker exploded shortly after this year’s Autumn Boy was revealed. As the sugary booze burst forth, residents were tossed about in the tempest’s wake, but no major injuries were reported. The owner of Happy Cider, Edith Nickelmaker, 64, revealed that she is most likely to blame. “I don’t know see what all the fuss is about. Is everyone mad because of the explosion that I set up? You millenials overreact to everything. Next you’re going to be upset because of the rat-based delivery system I’m testing. It’s very efficient, and provides jobs for hard-working rats. Rats are people too, you know.”

“I personally enjoyed the Happy Cider explosion,” mumbled Buzz Rumpleton, 32, local yard watcher, of West Hamsterdam Hill. “I liked it because you didn’t have to walk up to the cider booth to get a cup. The cider came to you.”

4th Annual Evildoers' Conference Runs Out of Evil Snacks

The 4th annual Evildoer’s conference was thrown into chaos this morning when it was reported that the caterer had totally run out of evil hors d’oeuvres. Several prominent members threatened to leave early.

“How am I supposed to scheme effectively if I’m not able to munch on kitten eyes?” complained the Great Green Ghoul, 147. “I mean, you come here for the total and utter lack of laws, but you stay for the chinchilla crackers. Why do I stay now? I mean they gave me a voucher for a free Spiderita, so I might check that out.”

The Evildoer’s Conference has been held in Hamsterdam Hill for the last 4 years, as the town’s proud lack of laws and remote location mean evildoers can enjoy a few days of rest, relaxation, and planning world domination without silly police or superhero interference.

By Tuesday afternoon, the monsters and interdimensional scoundrels were streaming out of the entrance, furious at the lack of snackage. But just as conference organizers began to admit defeat, The Dark Wizard Gary, feared throughout the land for his formidable skill with Blood Magic, but rarely seen, burst through the entrance. Gary, suspected of causing countless disappearances over the decades, pulled back his cloak to reveal bony hands and a skull-like face, and began to speak. The words, spoken in a hoarse and ancient voice, seemed to come not from his mouth but rather from all around the conference-goers, as if from the walls themselves. “Hear me, fellow evildoers! We cannot leave yet, as there is much evil work still to do! Do not try to resist me, or …my DEATH BROWNIES! It is IMPOSSIBLE! Because they are just so darn tasty. The secret ingredient is BLOOD…cinnamon. It’s like regular cinnamon, but a little DARKER red in color. And there are plenty for everyone, so no shoving.”

Local Swamp Creature Arrested After Doing Normal Stuff

Ham Hill police reported at 5:22 AM that they had successfully brought in Harold, the local swamp creature, into custody after a string of highly normal activity. “Look, we found this sentient pile of swamp gunk operating a motor vehicle. He doesn’t technically have feet, so we figured, gotta lock you up bud, sorry. Swamp creatures are not licensed to operate motor vehicles. Honestly, I feel for the guy. I mean there’s an appendage there, but its not overly foot-like. Had to be quite the feat to be driving that sucker at all,” noted police chief Sandy Sandy, 47.

Harold was defiant after being released on bond, and appeared in front of reporters, flanked by his wife of 45 years and their three swamp children. “This mindless prosecution of swamp creatures must stop! Ok, so maybe I did menace four or five people at the mini-mart before stealing that car, but that’s just what we swamp people do! We menace. You can’t be a swamp creature and not menace humans, at least a little bit. I mean, if you were an ancient, miraculously sentient 12-foot tall pile of stinking organic particulate, wouldn’t you occasionally menace the populace? Sure you would.”

The local chapter of the Swamp Society leapt to Harold’s defence following the arrest. “Listen, this is a being who exists possibly between dimensions not bound by time or space. Also, he’s been around for at least a millenia. What would you do if you were in a swamp for a millenia? Certainly not just twiddle your thumbs, I’d say. There’s not much to do in that swamp except gurgle and menace the occasional pot-smoking teenager,” argued Swamp Society chairman Ramdon Belkowitz, 68.

Harold is not expected to face any charges, because he has receded back into the deep swamp after being released on bond, and local police have said “no way in hell” are they “getting their jeans all wet.”

"Hat Man" Reappears

The “Hat Man”, long known to haunt to dense forest around Hamsterdam Hill, appears to have made his triumphant return after not being seen or heard from by locals in nearly 20 years.

Local barn blogger Deb Blorm, 45, was the first to spot the mythical figure. “I was wandering into town to sell my Fart Candles, and there he was on top of the state house, grilling a sausage. Like it was totally normal. He’s a real hoot, that one. I’d vote for him. By the way, you want a candle? They’re only $30 each.”

The “Hat Man”, as he is only known, has no known relatives and is only known for his popular habit of “hatting” random townspeople, to the delight of everyone around. “Hatting” involves the placing of a hat on one’s head, without their consent.

“It was weird, but at least I got this hat. I still have it. See? I’m wearing it right now,” remarked John Quincy, 60, of West Hamsterdam Hill. “But I don’t approve of his timing. He interrupted me and my wife’s special time, and I nearly shot him! That is until I saw how beautiful the stitching was on this hat. Plus, its blue! I like blue.”

The Hat Man fled town 20 years ago as his popularity grew and local politicians feared his influence. “He spreads warmth and joy, and we just can’t have that,” explained Ham Hill lawmaker Gary Evil, 84. “So from this day forward, I propose that all hats be made illegal, post haste!” A severe hat tax has since been instituted, and the Hat Man has not been seen since.

Wizards have hailed the Hat Man’s arrival, with the expectation that he is in town to start a movement against the oppressive hat tax. “It is technically possible to do spells with no hat, but it’s simply not the same.” remarked Sandar the Sane, 107. “Let’s be honest here, the cool hat is about 50% of the whole wizard game.”

Mysterious Foam Slowly Envelopes Town

It was reported at 3:47AM local time by a young boy that foam seemed to be advancing upon the large majority of Hamsterdam Hill. “I noticed it when I snuck out my window to go eat dirt”, blurted young ruffian Daniel Day-Bridge, 7. “It looked like what happened that one time when I put all of the dishwasher soap in the tub and mommy was screaming”.

The foam continued its march as the sun rose on Ham Hill, resulting in confusion, traffic jams, and apparently, slight euphoria. “When I step into its nasty mist, I feel like we are all one, you know?” remarked local drum massager Quad Wheelan, 34, “And my past traumas seem to melt away. I got some in my mouth though, and it tastes like a foot.”

Police chief Sandy Sandy has noted that the townsfolk have been more docile since the foam arrived. “Honestly, it’s the quietest day we’ve had so far. Normally by 10AM we’re up to our ears in corn thefts and naked jugglers. But today? I’ve just had the one incident, and it was someone breaking their friend’s house to leave them a gift basket.”

The cause of the foam is still unknown, but heavy suspicion is falling on local researcher Ralph McDonaugh, 58, who, despite being on probation after causing the Great Cheese Wave of 2014, has seemingly continued his experiments. While McDonaugh could not be reached for comment, he was seen at the top of the balcony of his Science Castle, cheering on the foam’s unrelenting progress. “LET’S GO FOAM! LET’S GO FOAM! FOAM FOAM FOAM! FOAM FOAM FOAM!”