Mr. Jenkins' Birthday Celebration Results in Only 3 Injuries, in Unusually Tame Affair

Local celebrity and alligator mogul Peter Jenkins’s 48th birthday party resulted in far fewer serious injuries than usual, prompting some to wonder if it was really that great of a time.

“I mean Mr. Jenkins’ birthday party is our super bowl,” noted top Ham Hill surgeon Trout Salmon, 54. “But this year I barely had any patients with major trauma. Where’s the sport in that?”

Many partygoers reported that the usually raucous Alligator Fights were especially sedate. "The gators just didn’t have their hearts in it this year. They seemed a little sleepy. I wonder if it had anything to do with that guy walking around feeding them strange meat?”

Local taxi expert and amateur meat creator Randy Supple, 34, was spotted in the Alligator Pits, handing out free meat samples to the gators. “That’s it, big mama, you try some of this, it’ll cure all that ails ya!” he was overheard whispering to the massive reptiles, handing them each a 2 lb. slab of his patented “Medicine Meat”, which according to a handwritten sign Supple was wearing around his neck for the duration of the party, ensures “newfound vitality, sexual spunk, and relaxation”. Most of the gators simply went to sleep after receiving the meat, barely reacting to partygoers hurling themselves at them.

“C’mon, you silly reptile!” screamed Harry Mcmanaman, 21, after drunkenly flinging himself atop an uninterested 800 pound male alligator, before beating it with his fists. “This one don’t work! Why don’t it want to eat me! This party sucks, man. If I had wanted lame gators, I would have stayed at home.”

Town's First Underwater Bar Opens to Rave Reviews, Some Drowning

Several smallmouth bass have recently opened Ham Hill’s hottest new bar, the Drunken Guppy, in Lake Harrington, to largely positive reviews.

The bar has taken some criticism for being mostly unable to serve drinks, as it is located underwater and staffed entirely by fish, who do not have the necessary appendages to dispense beverages.

Some determined patrons have managed to get a drink. “I had a beer there,” boasted local foam licker Jarm Rudabella, 22. “I mean, I was already drinking it when I found out there was a bar underneath where I was floatin’, but it was a pretty cool spot. I’ll probably go check out their specials sometime.”

The establishment has also received positive feedback from teenagers, who have found it to be a handy meet up spot. ”It’s really hard for your parents to find you if you’re underwater,” noted Stacy Stacy, 16, of West Hamsterdam Hill. “And they do have some seating, if you can hold your breath for a while.”

Tree Tickler Questioned After Disturbing Neighbors

Local sausage tamer Grenadine Milkman, 27, was charged with misdemeanor trespassing yesterday, having been implicated in a number of tree-related incidents. “He was making strange cooing noises and rubbing something all over our largest oak. I don’t need that kind of strange in my life. I have enough enough to deal with, as my beloved Shark-boy requires quite a bit of care and attention,” observed Carol McNeill, 45, who has seen Milkman multiple times on her property fondling various trees. “Sometimes he just seems to want to chat with my trees, and other times there is definitely more, um, contact. But either way, whatever he’s doing gets my pup Ruffy nice and riled. Animals can tell; something is up with that boy.”

Milkman has been hawking tree accessories in his booth on the edge of the town square for years, to limited success. “People don’t appreciate their trees. You need to show them lovin’, just like you do your wife, your dog, or your kitchen table. Everything has energy, man, and you gotta respect that, tap into it. And if you buy my All Natural Deep Energy Cream right now, you can get a second half-off!”

Other vendors who operate seasonal booths in the town square have bristled at some of Milkman’s sales techniques. “I’m sick of that jackalope disturbing my customers with his shrieking and hippie music! My clientele are already kinda jumpy,” noted owner of local gun & memorabilia store Bullets R Fun, Jimmer Fredette, 68. “He never gets anybody at his booth, so he’ll start kicking up a fuss, doin’ a spazzy dance and trying to peel some of my customers off. Luckily, they don’t seem none too interested in his tree condoms or whatever freaky stuff he’s got going on.”

Mayor Harrington Insists Catastrophic Toxic Waste Spill was "Definitely Kids"

At a presser early Saturday morning, Hamsterdam Hill Mayor Harrington insisted that local kids were surely to blame for the largest hazardous chemical spill in the town’s history. “We all remember going out on Fridays when you’re 15 with your friends, having a few beers, knocking over a few mailboxes, and overriding the failsafe mechanisms on a trillion gallon lagoon of mining waste. This isn’t a disaster, it’s just good clean fun!”

Fordham Macintosh, 81, CEO of Macintosh Mines, quickly denied any responsibility for the disaster, noting that there is nothing his company can do to defend from determined teenagers. “When these kids are all hyped up on YooHoo, Slim Jims, and whiskey stolen from their fathers’ glove compartments, there’s simply no stopping them. What did you want me to do, put locks on things? Children can crack those in seconds with their tiny, mischievous fingers.”

The spill, which sent the contents of the poisonous lagoon careening down Ham Hill Valley and into residential neighborhoods, may take decades to fully clean up. Hadney Ramdalay, 67, local pot sniffer, was one of the few lucky ones. “Everyone made fun of me for living in the trees, until now. I think neighbors were most mad about how I handled Waste Bucket, but what can I do? You gotta empty that sucker somewhere. It’s not my fault Ground Peoples are less advanced.”

Many residents wonder why the lagoon was placed at the top of the largest valley, and even more are questioning why no safety inspections had ever been completed on Macintoshes’ mine, despite it operating in the town for decades. “Mr. Macintosh is a close friend. Some may even consider him a lover, depending on your definitions,” explained Mayor Harrington, “And I can’t be expected to examine every mine. Why, there would be no time for anything else! I can barely take my three daily baths at this point without being interrupted by some unnecessary administrative drivel.”

"Demon's Day" Celebrations Enter Second Week

As the town’s celebrations of “Demon’s Day” continue unabated into their second week, some locals are wondering when they can get back to their normal lives. “I mean, I love Demon’s Day, but I am simply pooped. I had to eat confetti this morning, on account of all the businesses bein’ closed. And it was not as nutritious as its colors suggest it to be,” observed reveler and local frog guide Zane Rodrigo, 21, of East Hamsterdam Hill.

While not proveable, it is widely suspected that Mayor Harrington started the weekslong holiday in the dead of winter to avoid going to work in the cold. “I mean I can’t be expected to govern while my teeth are chattering! Why even as I speak to you now, I can barely move without being draped in cats for warmth!” yelled the Mayor at a recent presser, at which he was surrounded by roughly a dozen cats. “You people can’t even fathom how much Tuna Lather I had to bathe in to get these cats to stay around me 24/7. It’s a full time job!” After being reminded by various gathered townsfolk that being the mayor is actually his full time job, he left from the podium in a huff, with several cats trailing in his terrible-smelling wake.

Demon’s Day celebrations usually consist of running away from “The Demon”, while drinking heavily. The Demon, known to most as local shop owner Bob Jerbab, 44, of Bob’s Hardware & Oysters, prepares for the role by being locked in a stinking cage for two months while refusing to be fed anything other than raw meat. After he is sufficiently disgusting and enraged, he is released every February 2nd to terrorize his fellow townspeople at an festive event in the town square.

“I like how he really bites you. He’s not mailing this thing in,” remarked satisfied festivalgoer Rachel Ronald, 34. “My leg is bleeding heavily. It’s quite the thrill.”

Much of the town shuts down each year during the festival, which can stretch anywhere from one day to around three weeks. It only ends when Jerbab’s mania subsides and, exhausted, he collapses.

However odd it may seem to others, Jerbab relishes his role. “I mean, it sure spices up your year, I’ll tell you that much,” Jerbab stated in a recent interview. “I also get as much free meat as I want! And I get studied, for science.”

Ham Hill Government Enters Historic Working Period

At approximately 5:46 this morning, Ham Hill’s Legislature achieved a historic milestone, officially marking the longest amount of days in Hamsterdam Hill’s history that the government was functioning consecutively, a total of 17 working days. “I mean, we haven’t been working weekends or anything, but let me tell you, these 5 day work weeks are a killer. Real tough on ‘Daddy’s Casino-Time’, if you know what I mean’’ stated Hamsterdam Hill lawmaker Jamson Slidall, 34, making liberal use of air quotes while elbowing this reporter suggestively.

Residents are equally unenthused about the new state of affairs. “We’re not used to people pickin’ up the trash around here! I have an empire that those damn government overlords ought to learn to respect!” exclaimed Dale Dysentary, 57, of North Ham Hill, who has been selling garbage in the town square for inflated prices throughout most of Hamsterdam Hill’s history. With no usual garbage pickup to speak of, Dysentary has dominated the local garbage trade for decades. “I always tell newcomers, you want trash, you better go through me. You can go through others, but you will soon be dead. Again, it’s fine! But just know that you will be dead, should you choose that route.”

Planes, used to complicated emergency landings due to the town’s complete lack of air traffic controllers, landed with relative ease for the first time in years. “I mean, you still had wild dogs covering most of the runway” explained veteran pilot Martin O’Malley, 64, “but at least I didn’t have to actively dodge oncoming aircraft. It routinely startles me that I am still alive.”

Feral Carolers Attack Again

The most recent in a disturbing spate of caroler attacks was reported by Ham Hill police at 4:38AM this morning. Local dweeb watcher Donley Haberjam, 45, was walking his designer Flapadoodle dog when he was set upon by a group of feral carolers that are rumored to have set up a base in the dense forest surrounding Hamsterdam Hill’s town center. “I thought I heard a jingle emanatin’ from somewhere deep in the brush, and sure enough before I knew it there was a whole pack of ‘em that surrounded us, I think trying to get hold of my Flapadoodle. We would have surely been dead within moments had I not had my trusty can of Gabe’s Caroler Repellent handy.”

The carolers, now estimated to number two to three dozen in total, were banished from Hamsterdam Hill three years ago after multiple clashes with locals for being too “global”. “I mean you’re supposed to be hearing Christmas favorites, and they’re singing ‘Joy to the World’? What about ‘Joy to America’? There’s not enough joy for the whole world!” declared Judy Truderbaker, 56, of East Hamsterdam Hill, when interviewed on the subject. “I had to chase ‘em off my porch so they would stop chanting about a Winter Wonderland. Well I never heard about a wonderland in these United States.”

The carolers, driven into the hills, have formed a type of primitive community. Survivors of attacks report the carolers are led by a former english teacher named Carolyn, who is now known only as the Crazy Crooner. The group is described as wearing warlike yet christmasy attire, maintaining a high level of cheer even as they drag unsuspecting victims into their “Song-Lair”.

Only one victim, Lidwan Creb, 23, has gotten a view of the Song-Lair and returned alive, stating that “it’s actually some pretty nice digs they got in there. Their mud-huts are decorated very tastefully,” and that “They have these homemade sausages, they let me have some. They got some nice herbs in them. It wasn’t too bad. Except, you know, that I was trapped for eight months.” Creb claims to have only escaped after carefully studying their complex Jingle-Bell-Rock & White-Christmas based language and guard patterns. After waiting in his bone-cell until nightfall, when most of the crew was on the hunt, Creb was able to crudely communicate to the lone guard that he could get him a box of Ding Dongs in exchange for his release. After the price was negotiated up to three boxes and a fight was staged to convince leadership of the guard’s innocence, Creb was freed.

When asked how the guard knew Creb would honor their arrangement after already being free, Creb responded “I think he knew, deep down, that freeing me was the right thing to do. Also, I think I made out that he had been only eating sausages for quite some time, and it was doing a real number on his down-belows.”

Sales of Gabe’s Caroler Repellent have hit an all-time high, and although shortages have hit some stores, Randy’s Hardware store has advised residents to “Not brew your own. It’s strong stuff, and if you mix it wrong, you could actually end up attracting the beasts.”

Local Man Who Calls Coffee "Bean Juice" is Murdered

Local jam stuffer and leg cleaner Bork Mendelson, 44, of East Ham Hill, was brutally murdered at Joe’s Cup a’ Joe coffee shop at around 7:45 AM this morning, immediately after ordering “a flippin’ huge cup a’ that bean juice, gov’na!” for the tenth consecutive day.

Gabriella Deluxe, 21, the barista that morning, and every other morning Mendelson repeated his irritating order, is the primary suspect. Roughly a dozen onlookers watched as she reportedly let out a primal scream before throwing an entire espresso machine at Mendelson’s head. Most of those who witnessed the murder are calling it a mercy killing.

“I don’t think he wanted to live. I mean, he called coffee “bean juice”. Not once, as a joke, but every time. And the way he added “gov’na” at the end sometimes, like he was British? No one wants that,” remarked regular Cup a’ Joe customer Radnor Wellington, 36.

Ham Hill police are not pressing charges. “Ms. Deluxe is a hero. No one who calls coffee “bean juice” on a consistent basis should be alive. That kind of thoughtlessness hurts everyone,” stated police chief Sandy Sandy.

Drak Mmmmbop, 34, Mendelson’s close acquaintance, offered a glimpse into Mendelson’s sordid past. “I knew Bork for 5 years. You think ‘bean juice’ is bad? He called houses ‘bitchin’ bungalows’, and would refer to hanging out with friends as ‘chillin’ with my villains’. Hell, I came very close to murdering him myself on several occasions.”

Ham Hill Ghosts Strike

Hamsterdam Hill's largest ghost union, The Screamsters, has gone on strike. Their leader, Tony Di Paulo, has released a new set of demands ahead of what many are predicting will be one of the busiest halloween seasons yet. "We wake up every day, put on our pants, grab our lunch pails, and provide top quality scares. Where's our slice of the pie? I got three of my best guys gettin' no OT pay. No OT pay? And we got more scaring to do then ever with all them new kids movin' into town.”

The recent influx of youth into Ham Hill has been attributed to Mayor Harrington’s controversial but wildly popular “Free Candy” campaign. Harrington talked up his campaign’s achievements in a recent press conference. “Listen. We need kids in this town for all sorts of reasons. Number one, their tiny hands are crucial for fixing the complicated gears in my industrial meat grinder. Those meat grinders don’t fix themselves! I sent my pet monkey, Jeeves, in to fix it last week and I’m fairly certain he died in there.”

Celebrity monsters have pledged their public support for the striking ghosts. “I’ve been there, man.” stated Count Dracula, who rents a summer home in West Hamsterdam Hill. “My first gigs, 1200 years ago? I was making maybe $5 a scare. You think you can survive on that? You don’t know all of the expense that running a castle entails. It adds up.”

As chants of “Not Fair, No Scares” rang out into the night, Mayor Harrington settled in for his usual evening snack/conflict of tiny, alive goblins. “Stop that thrashing, and provide me your nutrients!”

Local Puddle Expert Dead After Heavy Rainfall

International Star Puddle Master Fromlom Digireedoo, 34, perished late Wednesday evening after a particularly heavy rain. Eyewitnesses report seeing Digireedoo admiring an impressive group of puddles on Death Point shortly before he was reported missing. Death Point is a popular puddle location also known for its extremely slippery surface and cliff which overlooks a small bay filled with countless jagged, pointy rocks.

Digireedoo’s death was not a shock to those who knew him well.

“If that boy loved one thing, it sure was travelin’ up to that slippery rock. He especially liked to grease his shoes before he left. Said it helped with the “puddlin” as he called it.” observed neighbor and local prawn fiddler Tom Lamlock, 45. “He especially liked to do his puddlin’ when it was a' stormin’, as well. Said he needed electricity to really feel jazzed up about the whole affair.”

Digireedoo was a controversial figure, mostly known for founding the “Pokey Puddle Pioneers”, a strange ritual in which Digereedoo would lead local schoolchildren to prominent puddles at an almost impossibly slow pace. Confused onlookers and concerned parents who witnessed the procession often failed to discern whether the group was moving at all.

“I think I saw his foot move! Or maybe not. I can’t really tell. Well, at least this isn’t costing me anything.” noted local mother and drum shaker Polly Escherman, 27, after observing a session her child participated in.

Others, including the children, delighted in Digereedoo’s odd processions. “I liked Mr. Fromlom. He always took me out to fun, wet places. My parents would only take me and my sister to dry places, which are boring.” remarked Donnie Liverstain, 7, of East Ham Hill.

Per Digireedoo’s will, the service will be held at Death Point, and mourners will be politely asked to walk carefully and silently around any puddles they encounter.