Feral Carolers Attack Again
The most recent in a disturbing spate of caroler attacks was reported by Ham Hill police at 4:38AM this morning. Local dweeb watcher Donley Haberjam, 45, was walking his designer Flapadoodle dog when he was set upon by a group of feral carolers that are rumored to have set up a base in the dense forest surrounding Hamsterdam Hill’s town center. “I thought I heard a jingle emanatin’ from somewhere deep in the brush, and sure enough before I knew it there was a whole pack of ‘em that surrounded us, I think trying to get hold of my Flapadoodle. We would have surely been dead within moments had I not had my trusty can of Gabe’s Caroler Repellent handy.”
The carolers, now estimated to number two to three dozen in total, were banished from Hamsterdam Hill three years ago after multiple clashes with locals for being too “global”. “I mean you’re supposed to be hearing Christmas favorites, and they’re singing ‘Joy to the World’? What about ‘Joy to America’? There’s not enough joy for the whole world!” declared Judy Truderbaker, 56, of East Hamsterdam Hill, when interviewed on the subject. “I had to chase ‘em off my porch so they would stop chanting about a Winter Wonderland. Well I never heard about a wonderland in these United States.”
The carolers, driven into the hills, have formed a type of primitive community. Survivors of attacks report the carolers are led by a former english teacher named Carolyn, who is now known only as the Crazy Crooner. The group is described as wearing warlike yet christmasy attire, maintaining a high level of cheer even as they drag unsuspecting victims into their “Song-Lair”.
Only one victim, Lidwan Creb, 23, has gotten a view of the Song-Lair and returned alive, stating that “it’s actually some pretty nice digs they got in there. Their mud-huts are decorated very tastefully,” and that “They have these homemade sausages, they let me have some. They got some nice herbs in them. It wasn’t too bad. Except, you know, that I was trapped for eight months.” Creb claims to have only escaped after carefully studying their complex Jingle-Bell-Rock & White-Christmas based language and guard patterns. After waiting in his bone-cell until nightfall, when most of the crew was on the hunt, Creb was able to crudely communicate to the lone guard that he could get him a box of Ding Dongs in exchange for his release. After the price was negotiated up to three boxes and a fight was staged to convince leadership of the guard’s innocence, Creb was freed.
When asked how the guard knew Creb would honor their arrangement after already being free, Creb responded “I think he knew, deep down, that freeing me was the right thing to do. Also, I think I made out that he had been only eating sausages for quite some time, and it was doing a real number on his down-belows.”
Sales of Gabe’s Caroler Repellent have hit an all-time high, and although shortages have hit some stores, Randy’s Hardware store has advised residents to “Not brew your own. It’s strong stuff, and if you mix it wrong, you could actually end up attracting the beasts.”