Local Man Who Calls Coffee "Bean Juice" is Murdered

Local jam stuffer and leg cleaner Bork Mendelson, 44, of East Ham Hill, was brutally murdered at Joe’s Cup a’ Joe coffee shop at around 7:45 AM this morning, immediately after ordering “a flippin’ huge cup a’ that bean juice, gov’na!” for the tenth consecutive day.

Gabriella Deluxe, 21, the barista that morning, and every other morning Mendelson repeated his irritating order, is the primary suspect. Roughly a dozen onlookers watched as she reportedly let out a primal scream before throwing an entire espresso machine at Mendelson’s head. Most of those who witnessed the murder are calling it a mercy killing.

“I don’t think he wanted to live. I mean, he called coffee “bean juice”. Not once, as a joke, but every time. And the way he added “gov’na” at the end sometimes, like he was British? No one wants that,” remarked regular Cup a’ Joe customer Radnor Wellington, 36.

Ham Hill police are not pressing charges. “Ms. Deluxe is a hero. No one who calls coffee “bean juice” on a consistent basis should be alive. That kind of thoughtlessness hurts everyone,” stated police chief Sandy Sandy.

Drak Mmmmbop, 34, Mendelson’s close acquaintance, offered a glimpse into Mendelson’s sordid past. “I knew Bork for 5 years. You think ‘bean juice’ is bad? He called houses ‘bitchin’ bungalows’, and would refer to hanging out with friends as ‘chillin’ with my villains’. Hell, I came very close to murdering him myself on several occasions.”