Mayor Harrington Insists Catastrophic Toxic Waste Spill was "Definitely Kids"

At a presser early Saturday morning, Hamsterdam Hill Mayor Harrington insisted that local kids were surely to blame for the largest hazardous chemical spill in the town’s history. “We all remember going out on Fridays when you’re 15 with your friends, having a few beers, knocking over a few mailboxes, and overriding the failsafe mechanisms on a trillion gallon lagoon of mining waste. This isn’t a disaster, it’s just good clean fun!”

Fordham Macintosh, 81, CEO of Macintosh Mines, quickly denied any responsibility for the disaster, noting that there is nothing his company can do to defend from determined teenagers. “When these kids are all hyped up on YooHoo, Slim Jims, and whiskey stolen from their fathers’ glove compartments, there’s simply no stopping them. What did you want me to do, put locks on things? Children can crack those in seconds with their tiny, mischievous fingers.”

The spill, which sent the contents of the poisonous lagoon careening down Ham Hill Valley and into residential neighborhoods, may take decades to fully clean up. Hadney Ramdalay, 67, local pot sniffer, was one of the few lucky ones. “Everyone made fun of me for living in the trees, until now. I think neighbors were most mad about how I handled Waste Bucket, but what can I do? You gotta empty that sucker somewhere. It’s not my fault Ground Peoples are less advanced.”

Many residents wonder why the lagoon was placed at the top of the largest valley, and even more are questioning why no safety inspections had ever been completed on Macintoshes’ mine, despite it operating in the town for decades. “Mr. Macintosh is a close friend. Some may even consider him a lover, depending on your definitions,” explained Mayor Harrington, “And I can’t be expected to examine every mine. Why, there would be no time for anything else! I can barely take my three daily baths at this point without being interrupted by some unnecessary administrative drivel.”