Mayor Harrington Announces New Town Name

At 7:46 AM local time, loud claxons were heard, alerting the townspeople to a Mayoral News Update. In five swift minutes, most of the town had gathered in the Town Square.

Intercoms throughout the town lurched into life with bursts of static. 

"Dear citizens! From now on, you will not be members of some cheap, half-bit jurisdiction! No! My wonderful beautiful people! This great glittering city on a hill deserves a name befitting its status! That is why, from now on, Hamsterdam Hill will be known as the Democratic People's Republic of Hamsterdam Hill. That is all. " 

Much of the populace appeared confused and vaguely annoyed at having been summoned for the non-event. Some of them had already dispersed before the speakers sputtered out a second message. 

"Oh yes!" the Mayor exclaimed. "I forgot the important bit. Report for Work Registration immediately. If you do not do so....let's just do so, ok? That is all."

Before the increasing confusing townspeople had time to react, hundreds of 12 foot Hamster guards emerged from what felt like thin air, and began ordering everyone into lines. 

"Let's go now, hop to it, people!" The enormous rodents barked, brandishing large two pronged spears to ensure compliance. 

The mayor continued, "Let's just say I'm doing you all a favor, you lazy bones! Do you know how much chronic illness is caused by inactivity? .....I'm not sure of the exact figure but I've been told it's a lot. Imagine how much 20 hour shifts at the salami mines will improve your everyday health!" 

Burt Baxter, owner of Standard Meat and the largest salami mine in the territory, was pleased with the new developments. "By jiminy, finally some workers! You do not know how difficult it is to get people to mine for salami, even if you kidnap and threaten their family! This is much easier. I swear, one day we'll find salami down there." 

When pressed on his mine's output of zero salami ore in its year plus of operation, Baxter was defiant. "Of course you snowflakes want to give up after only a year and a half. How do you know salami isn't underground unless you look? There could be salami everywhere you don't look for it! There may be salami right behind you, right this very moment! Ahhhh!" Baxter exclaimed, seemingly frightened by his own assertion of omnipresent salami. 

"You just never know, you just never know, you just never know" Baxter continued saying, repeatedly, as sank to the floor, looking into the middle distance. 

Hamsterdam Hill E.P.A Announces New Child Bathing Guidelines

The Chief of Hamsterdam Hill's Environmental Protection Agency, Dott Jewitt, 49, released the agency's latest guidelines for children's health at an opulent news conference late Friday morning. "We don't have nearly enough children bathing in copper. The agency recommends that optimal child health is best achieved by bathing them in mining runoff at least 3 times daily."

Jewitt's entrance was flashy as usual, entering through the roof of the facility having ejected from an F-35 Lightning fighter plane. "I need to enter by fighter plane. How else do you expect me to withstand you slobbering, ravenous hordes?" Jewitt responded when asked about the necessity of his transportation's estimated $450,000 cost. 

Jewitt spent much of the rest of the presser presenting crudely drawn posters illustrating exactly how metallic resident's children should be. "See here, when you can not bear to look at them due to the reflective glare in strong sunlight," explained Jewitt, as several diamonds spilt from his apparently bulging pockets, "That's when you know you've hit the sweet spot." Jewitt then stammered, "No more questions!", before waddling away, leaving a trail of diamonds and priceless Egyptian artifacts in his wake. 

"Start the car, start the car!" Jewitt screamed at his associates, who began the several minute process of firing up Ol' Ozone, the administrator's custom built coal-powered limousine. The vehicle spluttered to life, eventually reaching its top speed of 4 mph.

"I'll have all of you rounded up and sold for cheap fuel! Don't you understand? Your pitiful lives are in my hands!" screamed Jewitt from the lurching machine, as the crowd of reporters kept pace by walking briskly. 

Local Man Arrested for Excessive Jar-Placing

Hamsterdam Hill police arrested Rodney Flaberjam, 34, at 4:48 AM Tuesday after he had placed over 200,000 glasses all over town, filling many of the town's roads. "You can arrest me, but that won't stop them. The Jars will soon rule this land!" Flaberjam reportedly screamed at the time of arrest. Flaberjam, a well known local rock polisher, wriggled away from police custody before being quickly subdued, albeit not before Flaberjam got a decent mouthful of Officer Jamesom's left buttcheek. Officer Jamesom was not seriously injured in the incident. 

Chief Investigator Javier Mordelano, 47, is puzzled at how Flaberjam was able to place so many glasses. "I mean it's quite literally not possible that he placed so many so quickly. He told us he started around 8pm. He would have had to average 22,727 glasses an hour, or 6.3 per second. He must have had help."

JamJars, the most famous militant jam group in the area, has neither confirmed nor denied their involvement in the incident. Shortly following Flaberjam's arrest, JamJar's enigmatic and mysterious leader, Mr. Pickles, was spotted in Ham Hill Town square, yelling to no one in particular. "You have always underestimated jars, and have no concept of their true power. You naive fools will atone for your crimes against jarhood. You will all pay!" When approached for an official comment on the matter, Pickles took off at a sprint, leaving behind only a note. The note reportedly said "Jam it up, Jam jam it up, with JamJars!," with the inscription "new hit song" above it. 

Ham Hill Police Overwhelmed by Jean Marinators

John McJimmyJohns, 76, of West Hamsterdam Hill, is the leading jean marinator in the world. The renowned artisan has been hailed for his revolutionary work, which has spawned an entire industry. 

"Never before did I dare to dream about jean marinating. Because I couldn't even conceive of why or for what possible reason one would resort to marinating jeans. But it turns out, there was a large, untapped portion of the population that was ready and eager to shove their old pants in a rubbermaid container for 6 months, along with a good measure of seasoning", notes venerable jean marination scholar Roberta Folart, 34. "Why, before jean marination came along, many aspiring jean marinators spent the better parts of their weekends putting salt shakers into bags of spoiled olive oil, known locally as 'Soiling', which was never as satisfying as it sounds."

Top jean marinators from around the world have flocked to Ham Hill, often resorting to stalking, to glean any and all secrets from the elusive and revered master McJimmyJohns. 

"We slept behind his car yesterday, and I almost perished", revealed Dorm Watson, 21, a junior jean marinator from Western Kentucky. "He didn't see me on account of I was camouflaged as a dead leaf. He was nones the wiser of my presence directly behind his back wheels." 

McJimmyJohns himself is wary of the newfound fame. "I just wish they wouldn't hide behind my vehicle. I've hit nearly a baker's dozen in the past week alone. Why if they just knocked on my front door, I'd be happy to dispense with as much marinatin' wisdom as they wish."

As of press time, more than 15,000 jean marinators had gathered outside McJimmyJohn's residence, overwhelming local police. "I mean, they're excited about soaking their old jeans in a variety of rubs and oils. Hey, I'm into that just as much as the next guy", observed police chief Sandy Sandy. "I just hope the young folk stop forcin' themselves into McJimmyJohn's chimney. They keep getting stuck in there." 

Local Chemist Introduces Cure-All Elixir

"I haven't felt this good since I was a tiny child!"

"Not until now has my body been my body."

"My face is all fuzzy-feeling. Wonderful."

The reviews are in, and Ham Hill residents cannot get enough of local chemist and germ manager Rolinda Gerginjohn's latest potion, the Elixir Cure-All For Optimal Health. The Elixir is a stark turn from Gerginjohn's previous concoction, a noxious mix of vinegar and trapped farts. 

When asked about why her latest elixir is so successful, Gerginjohn noted, "I didn't use as much trapped farts this time. Also, my delivery method is different."

Gerginjohn was referring to her Potion-O-Matic, a ramshackle catapult-like contraption perched atop her 1971 AMC Gremlin, which hurled her products at unwitting passersby. "I always thought people liked their elixir best when flung at them at a considerable rate. It turns out that is not necessarily the case." 

Some long time fans are not pleased with the change. "What good is health-elixir if you ain't dodging large glass bottles aimed directly at your head?" argued 76 year old jean marinator John McJimmyjohns. "Not to mention her newest cure-all contains multitudes less of the vinegar-fart combo that I rely on to put me in a right foul mood."

The popularity of the new mixture has led to rampant speculation on its contents. "I'm pretty sure it's just a bottle full of live flies", observed avid potion fan Dirk Meddler, 34. "And oh, are they restless!" Meddler exclaimed as he took another healthy draught of the potion, releasing several flies to safety while fighting to keep a few others captured in his mouth. 

Local Children Form Dessert Coalition

"Broccolli, you destroyer of meals, you ruiner of plates, let you never step foot in our fine town again!" shrieked Elwin Robart, 8, of Central Hamsterdam Hill, at the Dessert Coalition's inaugural meeting, which took place for approximately four minutes after Mrs. Talbot's fourth grade math class on Tuesday. 

The Dessert Coalition, which I have been assured was "definitely not that stupidpants James' idea", has been gaining steam in recent weeks as Robart has rallied dozens of like-minded individuals to his cause, often with promises of free snacks and vague suggestions of "Better Desserts For All." 

The organization is centered around the basic idea that "Parents are a bunch of stinky brains, and I want cookies!", as explained by the Coalitions' treasurer, Sandy Bean, 7. "Just because I'm not 8 until next month doesn't mean I can't be treasurer. I already know all the numbers, even a-hundred."

Robart claims he has been planning his coalition ever since one particularly depressing evening in which his father insisted on serving him spinach for dinner, even in the face of vigorous protestations from Robart that "Daddy get that yucky stuff away! It looks like seaweed, gross!"

Several Moms Appear

Several moms were spontaneously called into existence 3 feet above the auditorium at Ham Hill Elementary, in West Hamsterdam Hill, late Sunday afternoon. "They landed with quite a thump, and appeared more than a little confused." remarked local drape charmer and rancid meat stuffer Gab Wrapper, 23, "They got up and dusted themselves off before staring at me curiously for a moment or two. Then they took off down the road with great haste."

The three moms have not been identified and have met all requests for interviews with throwing large objects in the requester's direction. A curious but tentative crowd of onlookers has flocked around the small farmhouse where the moms have holed up. The only detail to emerge at this time is that their adequate personal grooming habits suggest they are not from Hamsterdam Hill.  

Key eyewitnesses have conflicting stories related to the appearance, leaving investigators confused. According to eyewitness Randy Rich, 4, when questioned about the incident, "My juice is empty. I want more juuuuuice!" Kathy Keegler had a slightly different account. "Dey came out of a great gash in the sky! Just spat 'em out like they were a comin' out their momma's womb." Keegler is a second grade math teacher at the school, who was "definitely not" smoking weed in her car at the time of the incident, despite substantial evidence to the contrary.

HHOOUM, or Hamsterdam Hill Office of Unexplained Moms, has filed the event as a Category 5 Mom Incident, the highest possible rating. There has only been one other Category 5 incident in the Office's history, and that ended with the famed Battle of Endor, killing 80% of Ham Hill's population. 

Achieving a less bloody end to the latest category 5 incident is the primary goal for HHOOUM's Commander Jean Roland, 51. "They may not look like much, but you don't cross those moms. Lost both my eyes in a category 4 this spring, and have had two broken legs since. My insurance provider has warned me that I am essentially uninsurable at this point."

Local Squirrels Enlarge Dangerously

It was reported at 4:52 PM local time that several squirrels had rapidly expanded to remarkable sizes. The largest of them grew to nearly 8 feet at the shoulder, roughly the size of an African elephant. The massive rodents immediately set to destroying the town, indiscriminately plucking up locals to store in their cheeks. 

The terrifying creatures flattened entire homes in their mad rampage, having come up empty in their search for boulder size nuts. 

The cause of the squirrel's expansion is unknown, but suspicion has fallen on Professor Bo Jangles, a local scientist who has been testing various versions of his Big Boy Growth Serum on Hamsterdam Hill animals for decades. "Get 'im rodents the size of yo' house, that'll teach 'im" remarked Jangles, 59, of West Ham Hill. "Don't have no body botherin' you if you got Big Boy Growth Serum."

Mr. Jangles has been arrested numerous times over the years after repeatedly capturing local resident's cats and demanding ransom from their owners, once only returning the cat in exchange for several signed copies of Jangles' only published work, the novel Erotica in Seductia. Those were the only copies ever sold.

Dozens Dead in Cheese Castle Collapse

It was reported at 6:09AM local time that at least 27 people are dead as a result of the Cornelius Cheese Castle collapsing during the most important yearly meeting of the Cheese Guild. Cornelius McRingtonberry, 92, the leader of the guild, was the only person to escape. "That will show them not to mess with the king", McRingtonberry was spotted muttering outside the collapsed castle, before threatening this reporter. "You tell anyone, you got McRingtonberry on your back. You don't want that."

McRingtonberry is under suspicion as he had only the previous night installed a massive 'Melt Manipulator' on his residence, stating in a presser, "I don't know what to spend my money on anymore. I'm trying everything. You can't blame me. I blame you, in fact! Release the wolves!" McRintonberry then shrieked, releasing several dozen grey wolves on assembled journalists.

The Cheese Guild was established only just last year as "A way to get all my enemies in one place, all at once", according to the organization's official charter. 

McRingtonberry is well known for his empire of cheese-related goods, including the best-selling "Anti-Cheese Knife", which, instead of cutting cheese, cuts the user whilst they attempt to cut cheese. Sales have continued to rise despite the tragedy at the Cheese Castle. "I get so excited when someone new comes over, and they ask if I have anything to cut with!" Tierney Palomey, 33, local fart tamer and bear friend, explained, excitedly, when describing her latest Anti-Cheese Knife purchase, "Then I just wait for the gasps and screams. I have way more people over now." 

Beavers Seize Sushi Restaurant

An industrious clan of beavers seized and have now been operating The Sushi Den for close to two months. 

"It's been such a relief having beavers overrun our restaurant." Former owner Kenji Sugimori, 47, stated in a recent interview, "My wife has even started talking to me recently." 

Locals are also pleased with the change. "The beavers can't speak or understand English, but at least they don't drunkenly threaten your children." Gary GaryLarson, 61, remarked, referring to Sugimori's promotional "Wednesday Danger Dinners", in which, for $40 a head, Sugimori would get remarkably drunk and then make your family's dinner a waking nightmare. 

"I used to only feature shouting in the Danger Dinners, but once that started to lose its thrill, I moved into a more hands-on presentation." Sugimori added, commenting on numerous incidents where he has picked up diners and threatened them with kitchen utensils. 

Of note in the new management structure is the fact that the restaurant now at least attempts to serve food. "The beavers don't ever give you what you ordered, and almost never get it to your table within a few hours of ordering, but at least it appears to be food. Last time I came here I had to tie Sugimori to a tree out back so he would stop chasing my daughter with a meat cleaver." explained resident and sushi lover Mark Yarmandarbul, 51. 

The Sushi Den is offering 100% off meals if you use its new underwater entrance, but would like to remind customers that they "should stay the fuck away from the pups".