Wizards, Sportsmen Protest Hat Tax

Hat-wearers of all stripes gathered by the hundreds in Hamsterdam Square to protest the recent tax placed on "all objects which are actively or accidentally placed upon the head". The tax has been especially poorly received by local wizards and the Ham Hill Long Stockings, the local semi-pro baseball team, who are facing fines of $50 per player per game. 

"The players know how to play with their hats in their mouths, but it's much more difficult." Randy Dayman, 54, manager of the Long Stockings explained, exasperated, at the rally, "And we've already had our third baseman asphyxiate on account of forgetting to breathe."

When asked for an explanation on where all the tax hat revenue is going, lawmaker Turwin Yern, 67, stated, "Hey what is that? Yes, just behind you. No, further off....yes, that's it....waaay over... there!" before jumping into a vehicle and peeling away from the statehouse at great speed. 

Some residents, including local farm ruminator and yogurt collector Parwinin Jab, 45, are extremely pleased with the new regulation. "I've been saying this for years. Those with hats are liars of the worst kind. Only once the darkness under the hat is revealed can we truly help to put them on the path." Registrations for Jab's Anti-Hat League are up more than 700% since the tax was enacted. "People mostly join for Anger Time, but we have other activities", Jab noted, referring to her organizations' "Meeting Fights", which have been known to last well into early morning. 

As of press time it was reported that lawmaker Turwin Yern has purchased an entire island, an impressive feat considering his Ham Hill congressional salary is $23,000 per year. 

Ghouls Disappear from Town

The last remaining ghoul has disappeared from Hamsterdam Hill, as of 5:09PM today. Locals are deeply troubled by the loss of such a beloved part of the town. "Every morning was the same. I'd get my donut from my local zombie, and I'd always say hi to Chuck, the chilling denizen of the underworld, on my way to work. And then all of a sudden, 'poof!' It's just so sad." Laurie Gorgemjat, 67, had to say of the incident. 

Local businessess that relied on monsters for the bulk of their business are in danger of shuttering. Moisture policeman and shopowner Form Namejames, 47, owner of Ghoulstuff, is having a particularly hard time. "I used to have lines of creatures of the night halfway out the door. Now I'm lucky to get the odd werewolf here and there, and they usually only pay with violence."

Suspicion for the missing ghouls has fallen on Mayor Harrington, who has recently rolled out his "Fear me, Tiny Insects!" campaign over the last month, which has been focused on eliminating all other scary things in town. Intercoms in the town center have been spewing his message throughout most nights. "Don't fear things, fear me! I shall be your end!"

Mayor Harrington's most passionate supporters remain unabashed. "Harry, Harry, he's our man! If he can't kill us, no one can!" Torna Dirkran, 34, chanted at a recent rally. "He's just such a patriot, always looking out for us," she continued when questioned on the Mayor's recent habit of killing anyone he sees. "He needs to blow off some steam. You don't know what type of toll that job can take until you're in it. I'm just glad those ghouls are gone." 

As of press time, no local businesses are operating, as they all employed primarily ghouls. 

Local Man Fights Self, Loses

Local gourdkeeper and neurosurgeon Larry Hapsburg, 47, was arrested early Tuesday afternoon after losing an hourlong fight with himself. Police were alerted when neighbors saw Larry in his front yard. "I knew something was wrong right away," stated neighbor Jan Dabdab, 23, "when I didn't see him in his usual spot on his roof throwing bottlecaps at and screaming at passing schoolchildren." 

Hapsburg was widely known as the leading neurosurgeon in Hamsterdam Hill, before the spectacular failure of his "Hey, You! Yes You! Hand me your Brain!" campaign, in which he accosted anyone near him and asked that he "borrow" their brains for research. "I won't keep it for long!" residents recall him saying, as he attempted to lure them into his basement lab with promises of remarkably increased intelligence. "Now why would you want to keep that silly old brain of yours? Hand over that Model T in your noggin and I'll have it turned into a Ferrari in no time! .......As smart as Einstein? Brother, Einstein will be reduced to a mere historical footnote by the time you're done!" 

The campaign's failure drove Hapsburg mad, culminating in Tuesday night's incident, in which he severely bruised several of his own limbs before knocking himself out cold. "It looked like he was trying to prize open a particularly difficult jar, only there was no jar." remarked local boy Darvin McDanielJohnson, 9, as he watched the event unfold from his front porch. 

As of press time Hapsburg has been transferred out of Ham Hill Hospital and into the long term care facility Hamsterdam Home, which coincidentally houses several dozen of his "Hand Me Your Brain" campaign's victims. 

Band of Jugglers Terrorize Town

At 6:47 PM local time residents reported that a large band of jugglers entered town and promptly began terrorizing it. 

"They spin their demon balls in the air with no apparent regard for our children!" local flap cleaner Ham Sandwich, 67, remarked on the traveling entertainers. "My child looked at those balls for seconds before I could smack them out of their heathen hands! The damage has surely been done, I can see it in their little eyes. Satan's fire has taken hold." 

The jugglers, who were later identified as the Bradsbury Juggler Trio, had gotten a flat tire and were forced to wander into town seeking help. "We didn't want to stop." lead Juggler Marvin Labor, 29, remarked on the incident. "We knew from the 'Demon Jugglers Be Dead' and "Ham Hill 20, Jugglers 0" signs we saw as we drove in that we were best to avoid it, but we had no choice." 

While the cause of the flat remains unknown, suspicion has fallen on local rat tamer Tom Nordson, 86, of North Hamsterdam, who owns a house near the road where the jugglers entered town. "You show me a juggler, I'll show you a man you can't trust. You know how they keep them balls afloat? It's Dark Magic, of the Darkest Kind. That's why I been puttin' an end to their festivites." Nordson has caused havoc for local authorities by shooting at, and occasionally hitting, anyone he believes to be a juggler. "And I would have killed more of 'em too, if it wasn't for these two glass eyes, you see." When asked how he can identify jugglers with two glass eyes, this reporter was promptly labeled "a deranged juggler harlot", and chased from the premises with an antique bolt-action rifle. 

While the jugglers have been offered places to stay at the local Ham Hill Inn, they have kept to sleeping outside to avoid sometimes exorbitant "juggler" pricing. "You, Mr. Reporter, $10 for the night." local Innkeeper Sally Jingo, 56, quoted for a night at her inn. "The jugglers? I offered them a room. For $400." She remarked, cackling, as she gestured towards a bathroom the size of a broom closet.

In other news, a raving band of murderers has swept through town in the past 12 hours. Little notice has been taken of them.

Ham Hill Legislature Passes Law Eliminating Laws

At 4:57PM local time yesterday the Hamsterdam Hill Legislature passed a law banning all laws. The bill was signed into law after all 17 voting members agreed that it was "something to do". "I've really had it with being asked the constant questions. 'What laws are you guys passing', 'what is it you guys actually do?, 'why is there no hospital in town?', so we decided, you know what? here you go, a shiny new law, chew on that for a spell." Ham Hill's Speaker of the Chamber, Jeb Jornamagin, 34, remarked in a short presser after the landmark legislation was passed.

Legal scholar Ron DanJohnson, 44, raised the possibility that the law may have canceled itself out by being signed into law. "The explicit language in the bill itself renders it meaningless. The law even states 'This law ends all past, future, and current laws, including this law. Yes, this law that I am writing right now. Not a law.'"

Residents rejoiced at the news. "Finally, we are free from the fascist shackles of tyranny! Those damned bureaucrats always telling me I can't play guitar for money and be naked." Deb Norway, 89, remarked at the new legislation.

The most curious part of the law is that there were no laws on the books in Hamsterdam Hill to begin with. Skeptics think the legislative news was merely put out to distract from the terrifying plague of rats that have beset the town in recent days. Mayor Harrington could not be reached for comment, but was seen releasing large numbers of rats from behind his Mayoral Palace late Saturday Night. He was overheard instructing the rats to "Do your dirty business now, little pets. Rid this town of its amoral residents."

Bigfoot's Steakhouse Closes

Bigfoot's Celebrity Steakhouse closed this morning in Central Hamsterdam Hill after 15 years in business. The local health board was forced to shut it down for what was described in its report as "The smell. But the fact that I couldn't locate its source is more the reason."

Diners in recent weeks have expressed concerns at what they described as "a smell of wet dog combined with seafood that's been left in a hot car." Questions have also been raised about the rising floorboards, bulging out as much as six inches in places. 

"Hey are you the missing like between humanity and apes? Huh? Are you? Oh you want to come at me? Come get some, brotha!" Bigfoot responded angrily in an interview last week when asked about pleas from residents and town officials to close his extremely popular restaurant. 

The restaurant's popularity has never been linked to its food. One reviewer described the 'Aged Prime Rib' as "I think this is chicken. Although I've never seen chicken wearing a watch." Most patrons visited only to get a glimpse of the owner, who was rarely around. However, you could reliably get a picture with the Bigfoot mascot that made the rounds most weeknights. 

In unrelated news, farmers around town have been disappearing with alarming frequency for the past 15 years. 

Aliens Open Shop on Outskirts of Town

Local Martian XR-83W's Thingamabobs and Things has become the most profitable store in town barely one week after opening on the outskirts of West Hamsterdam Hill.

XR-83W's feat is made more impressive by the fact that he, like all Martians, exists only in the fifth and sixth dimensions. The practical challenge of which being he must run his shop through a series of mirrors, and even then he is only visible to humans for a few seconds each day. 

"I think I saw him! I'll put some money down here on the floor, he'll know what that means." local pot jumper Terry Erickson, 33, gleefully explained after catching a fleeting glimpse of one of the aliens.

Upon entering, Thingamabobs and Things appears entirely empty except for what customers describe as "air sillies."

"When you walk in, you immediately get this sense of euphoria, that everything is going to be all right. And then you leave a bunch of money on the floor. I left my car in there yesterday." Local milk technician Jake Bortal, 44, said of the new landmark.

Store owner XR-83W was asked to comment on this story, but as he can only communicate through time itself, his response will not be known until next Tuesday at 8:47PMET. Even then his response may not be understood, as Martian language consists only of faint clicking sounds and some amount of condensation on a bottle of milk. 

Mayor Harrington Erects 72 ft Statue of Himself in Town Square

Mayor Henry Harrington unveiled a 72-foot statue of himself in Hamsterdam Hill's Town Square early Saturday evening, to raucous celebration. "I didn't see why we needed sewers anyhow!" screamed local cattle sniffer Janet Jackson, 47, referring to the recent town budget cuts needed to finance the massive statue. "Besides, you can certainly do your business right there on the statue. In fact, it's encouraged."

Some say the statue is not an entirely accurate representation of Mayor Harrington. "I must say I don't remember him being quite that buff." resident Larry Doorknob, 64, remarked. "Also I can't recall the last time I saw the mayor riding a unicorn while spinning the earth like a basketball on his left pinky finger."

Mayor Harrington staunchly defended his statue to reporters shortly following the unveiling. "I did not tell the statue designer to put a laser gun in my hand and have it pointing at screaming packs of fleeing residents. I expressly told him it must be a plasma gun. I cannot be held responsible for an artist's interpretation."

Mayor Harrington's last two giant statues of himself have been demolished by Hamsterdam Hill residents in a matter of hours. "All I can hope is that this statue lasts a few more hours than the last one." the Mayor noted, wistfully, as residents began to scale the statue, chisels in hand. "I just want to keep a piece this time. It doesn't have to be even an especially large piece." The statue is expected to be melted down and turned into dog jewelry, matching the fate of the Mayor's earlier efforts. 

Normal Spotted in West Hamsterdam Hill

At 7:09 PM ET local time, it was reported that there was a Normal walking through town, probably up to no good. 

"I couldn't see his eyes, but I'm sure they were red and filled with rage!" Fram Hordor, 25, explained to reporters several days later. "He looked like he was a-fixin' to scoop up some of our chill'in and take them back to his fort for exam-ination." 

Out-of-towners, or "Normals" as they are known colloquially, are rarely spotted in Hamsterdam Hill. A visit by one usually ends in violence, or at least, non stop photo ops.

"I want one, I want one!" Laura Laura, 14, shrieked as she jostled for position in the horde that quickly surrounded the Normal. "Look at his skin, it's so soft! I want some for my Nature Box."

The Normal, terrified, submitted to dozens of photos with locals, the ops stretching late into the night and even into the next morning. The crowd continued to grow, until most of the town was surrounding the weary traveler. This is not unusual for the town, states Ham Hill Police Chief Sandy Sandy. "They just adore a Normal. And there's really nothing I can do to stop them. This one doesn't look like he has long left, the poor thing."

Dental records later identified the Normal as Carter Garrison, 19, of West Virginia. He apparently took several wrong turns hiking and stumbled into town, according to his increasingly worried begging with residents. "I just need some water and a bit of food and I'll be on my way. Please, I need to rest.......yes, I guess I'll take a picture with your daughter.....No I'm not taking my clothes off for it.....OK OK Fine! How about if I take my shirt off only?"

Garrison's condition slowly worsened until he passed out two days after arriving, after posing for several hundred pictures. As he lay in a heap, confused residents argued about what to do. "He just needs cookies! His inside sugars are low. If we can get a few cookies into 'im, he'll be ready to roll in no time", stated local doctor Johnny Cakes, 56. "Believe me, I've done this many times before. It's never worked, but that doesn't mean I stop trying, goddammit!" 

Garrison, while immediately unresponsive to cookie therapy, was left there to "let those cookies get to workin'". His body was only found weeks later when Ham Hill police responded to a call regarding a powerful odor emanating from Larry's Shaman Office. After police arrived, it was clear poor Garrison had perished some time ago, and was being used for spiritual healing reasons. "Normals have exceptionally high amounts of Jazz Energy, which is the most prized of the energies." Larry Bogbaker, 34, of Larry's Shaman Office, explained to police, "it just takes a little time to extract, is all. I mean you wouldn't believe the amount of dancing required to get these energies out. I've had to make two Sunny D runs just in the last hour or so. But it's the value of the work that keeps you going."

Local Chicken Elected Ham Hill Representative to Congress

Chuckles, 5, a chicken who spontaneously gained human-like intelligence in February of 2015, has been elected as Hamsterdam Hill's sole representative to Congress. 

Chuckles' odd victory speech has some unsure of his qualifications. "My god..........What are those? They are hideous! Be gone, wild demons! I cast you out!" Chuckles shrieked at the end of his four minute speech, apparently referring to a group of second graders on a class field trip.

Despite this, Chuckle's supporters remain committed to his cause. "Chuckles is a strong Republican. He stands for family values. I especially like his stance on chicken - human marriage" Mary Mary, 92, said of her choice for Congress, "It's critical that chickens and humans can have intercourse and babies. I am so relieved I do not have to go to jail anymore for simply listening to my urges." 

Chuckles' historic win has also been marred by widespread reports of voter fraud, which are currently being investigated by Hamsterdam Hill's electoral review board. According to local dairy squeezer, George Jeesen, 32, some chickens may have voted twice. "Chickens just for the first time could vote, and they pull this shit on us. First that annoying little piece of meat in between the bones of chicken wings, and now this. Unbelievable."

Rep. Chuckles has vehemently defended himself in the face of the accusations. "My supporters know that I am innocent. I am the People's True Champion, and mere elections will not stop me from grasping the power that chickens have long deserved."

Chuckles campaign manager, Duckles, 4, a lifetime operative for the right-wing Poultry Power Party, is reportedly behind the voter fraud. A taped conversation, which appears to capture Duckles intimidating voters in an alley is the latest electric revelation in the story. "My organization just wants to help. All we need is your vote. Remember son: You don't cross poultry. You hear me? .........what was 'at? You deaf? you little so----?" 

Duckles was hiding out in a safehouse on the outskirts of town before an anonymous tip alerted police to his location. 

In an audacious maneuver, police sprinkled some leftover cornbread crumbs near the entrance to the safehouse. Duckles, quacking happily, scampered out to collect the nibbles and was promptly apprehended by police.