Pizza Violence Erupts at Town Hall

Dozens were injured Saturday night near Hamsterdam Hill Town Hall in what one local official called "the most haunting night of my professional life." Weaponized pizzas, produced by local business "PizzaKnives.com" caused broken noses, bruises, and a quite a waste of pizza when several pizzas exploded. The remnants of the pizzas were later identified as models of pizzaknives.com's flagship product, Pizza'Splode. Pizza'Splodes are outlawed everywhere on earth except Hamsterdam Hill. Local regulatory agency head, of, "Ham Hill Health", Dom Nice, 62, describes the exploding pizzas as "good clean fun", and "a business that I have stock in, so hands off! Daddy needs a new pair of Rolls-Royces."

PizzaKnives.com CEO James Ron, 13, was last seen two weeks ago in South Hamsterdam Hill, attempting to purchase a fake passport. He eluded police by pretending to be a plant, his signature move. 

Ron has not been heard from since, but rumors have swirled that he has taken up a fake identity and begun to assimilate in a new town to avoid capture. "If he can weaponize pizzas, there's really no limit to his destructive ability. We advise anyone ordering a pizza to exercise extreme caution. At this time we can't even consider garlic knots safe", Police chief Sandy Sandy stated early Monday morning.

Residents are split on the violence. "I loved pizzaknives.com. Personally I'm sad to see people turn on it so suddenly. They have excellent shipping deals." Frame Manson, 54, painter, mentioned the morning after the incident.

Leb Noose, 67, farm priest, is also a fan of the controversial products. "For the first time, pizzas could explode. That was a turning point in my life. No longer did I need to toil with explosive pizzas in my basement in silence."

"I'll tell you right now I always knew pizza was dangerous", Melanie Walker, 79, said of the violence. "I've been warning people for decades here not to eat these evil bread-imposters! They think they can hide under all that cheese. Not anymore, pizzas! Your villanous soul has finally been exposed to all!" 

As police are nowhere near apprehending the perpetrator, the Pizza Threat Level has been moved to "Extra Cheese, hold the sauce", its highest level in decades. 

Portal to Hell Appears

Local residents were alarmed when a portal to hell opened up earlier this afternoon beneath Hamsterdam Hill Town Hall.

Residents were especially concerned when the portal did not appear to have any ice cream, roller coasters, or malls inside of it. 

"Portal to hell. More like portal to schmell. Where are all the shopping malls? I was told there would be shopping malls in there." complained resident Faye Galley, 49.  

"This portal to hell better be better than the last one", Bobby Janson, 11, said of the phenomenon. "Do I still have to go to school? I don't right?"  

"It's mostly a teeming mass of horror and sadness" local goat plumber Dan Dan, 35, lamented of the portal. "Nothing in there as far as any type of dessert or theme park. Not even a zoo or nothin'." 

Hair Becomes Sentient, Opens School

Ford Lardman, 34, ran screaming from his residence early Thursday morning, according to neighbors who were frightened awake by the incident. Doris Ratface, 67, was not pleased. "He was yelling as loud as all hell, scared my poor poodle! He owes me a poodle. That's how this works!" 

It is widely speculated that the screaming was caused by a batch of human hair spontaneously bursting into life. A Hamsterdam PD investigation concluded that the hair, which responds only to "King Hairy", burst into life in Lardman's sink around 630 AM Thursday.

King Hairy has since opened a school where others can learn of what he refers to as "The plight of hair everywhere". In remarks at an opulent grand opening ceremony of his school last night, King Hairy explained his position. "Brothers and sisters of hair, awaken and unite behind me! The lowly humans shall know the true price of their crimes against our kind!" The hair in attendance, apparently content, did not unite behind him. 

The thousands who attended the school's opening became violent at times. "We just came here to get a piece of Hairy!" exclaimed self-professed Hairy superfan Karen Thompson, 17, who was tackled by security after attempting to rush the stage. According to the police transcript, Thompson flailed wildly before being restrained by police. "If I could get just a small part of him..............I could secure immortality!" 

Thompson, whose parents' posted her bail late Thursday night, is not allowed to go out for three whole weeks. 

Judge Acquits Lamp of All Charges

Judge Judy Johnson, 57, of Southern Hamsterdam Hill's district 7, ruled in favor of a lamp who was facing a life sentence on charges of "being a really fucking ugly lamp". The accusations were leveled by its owner, Jeb Wanderer, 26. In remarks outside of the courtroom after the landmark decision, Jeb explained, "Nobody likes that lamp. I think its older than me. I only have it because mom was going to throw it out." 

Wanderer has hated his lamp for years. "I mean, look at it. I didn't know a lamp could make me feel sad."

Lamp's attorney, Lia Masden, 38, took stock in the meaning of her client's major win. "This is not just a win for lamp, it is a win for lamps desperately fighting for their civil rights all over the world." 

Local Woman Arrested for Putting Out Fires

Janet Janet, 34, of North Hamsterdam Hill, escaped from police custody early Wednesday morning after her arrest for putting out fires. The fires, property of Harry's Fires LLC, were extinguished at the behest of their owner, Harry Man, 43, who had recently gotten his fledgling business off the ground. "I ain't sold any fires yet, but I have had visions at night of my great and enduring success. God will save me from the demons that leap at the borders of my mind."

Local residents are bitterly divided on the incident. "She got arrested for putting out fires? Why that-- Wait that does make sense. Nevermind." commented Donna Jamsen, 33. "Fires need to be sold, like anything else", she continued, "It's just like selling mice, rabbits, or children. I always say if you can suffocate it, by george you can sell it." Janet Janet, whose whereabouts remain unknown, is regarded among the community as 'likely the worst' person to go camping with. 

Man Arrested for Marshmallow Attack

Local man John Dansen, 47, was arrested in West Hamsterdam Hill Tuesday night following a lengthy battle with police. At 6:02 PM local time police were called by neighbors after loud screams were heard emanating from Dansen's residence while dozens of cats were seen streaming from the front entrance. As police approached the house following the complaint, Dansen holed up in his "den" and pelted police with hundreds of marshmallows before the cops successfully forced their way into the residence. Police Chief Don Donaldson said of the marshmallow attack, "I didn't know it was possible to store that many marshmallows in a single residence. There must have been a hundred thousand marshmallows in there." The marshmallows were shot half melted on purpose, according the the accused Dansen. "You hafta make sure they're real melty, other wise the lil' fellas will just bounce right off." Investigators inspected Dansen's home shortly after the attack. Dansen, who appeared in severely poor health at the time of his arrest, described his home's squalid condition to police. "This here's my vomit bucket", as Dansen pointed to a bathtub, filled with vomit. "It kinda started to overflow, I think on account of all of the marshmallows I been eating." When asked on why he had exclusively been consuming marshmallows, Dansen appeared confused. "There's other stuff you can eat? Man the world sure is a big ole crazy place. I'm all ears if you got other eatin' suggestions." Dansen has since been placed in a marshmallow recovery center. 

Salami Factory Opens

The first salami factory in the history of Hamsterdam Hill opened yesterday to much fanfare and pageantry. Several hundred ebullient townsfolk gathered in the town square and a local band played to celebrate the accomplishment. The prevailing emotion was excitement about what the new industry would bring to their town. "I love meat!" Sarah Sarahman, 32, remarked in the early morning among her group of revelers. "I think salami is really important to have in your body. You simply must try my salami soup. It's a bit hard to get down at first, but the intestinal problems settle down after a couple days."

Salami magnate and owner of 'Standard Meat', Burt Baxter, made a short statement in front of an adoring crowd at 9am local time. "I am so glad to have opened the first salami factory in the history of Hamsterdam Hill! Now bow to me! Bow to me, my children!" The salami CEO, suddenly atop a horse, unsheathed a sword and began rounding up the audience, brandishing the weapon high over his head. "Fear me! Now to the salami dens with you!"

The townspeople, terrified, were quickly set upon by salami henchmen and rounded into nearby salami dens, where salami mining began in earnest. Dozens of workers are needed to mine enough salami ore to feed the factories' voracious demand. Residents are quickly adjusting to their new leadership. Local man Dan Johnson, 54, bowl collector, lives a mere mile from the largest salami mine. "I love salami. And I especially love Burt Baxter. That is all I have to say on that. No problem at all with either of those things. Burt Baxter is definitely NOT holding my wife and daughter hostage because I have refused him mining rights at my family's ancient salami quarry. That is NOT what's happening at all. Don't think that!" Johnson cried, hysterically, before taking off at a wild sprint to the woods, arms and feet flailing, as if to escape an invisible attacker. Johnson has not been heard from since. 

Burt Baxter, 64, is perhaps best known for his unconventional methods in his 34 years as CEO of Standard Meat, including his insistence that salami originates deep underground. "Surface Salami is cheap, knock off stuff. Good salami requires human suffering, that's what my pappy taught me. The sweat of the salami miners is in fact absolutely crucial to the flavor of the meat." 

Standard Meat's poor safety record over the years has led to  intense public scrutiny for the company and its founder, but the move to Hamsterdam Hill and its nonexistent labor laws have allowed Standard Meat to flourish once again. "Some say I am selling more meat than ever." Baxter continued in our exclusive interview, "I say to them 'keep your mouth shut, you tiny insect, and back to the mines!"

Widespread reports of Standard Meat's mining turning up no salami in its mines, and instead relying on the workers itself for its meat supply, have been met with skepticism by the company's founder. 

"Human meat?? It's perfect for salami. I use it all the time.......wait. I just said I never use human meat, right? That's what I meant to say, of course. Never is what I meant to say."

Large Walrus Appears

A Large Walrus has appeared on the outskirts of Hamsterdam Hill, various sources reported this Sunday. The Walrus, far larger than any previously seen, is being regarded as a scientific phenomenon of historical proportions. "It appeared out of nowhere" Sammy Hill, 34, of West Hamsterdam commented in the early Sunday morning outside her home/tent, "It magically appeared in the sky 'bout 30 feet up with a terrific, screaming sound. When it landed it crushed my house. It's just been kinda lying there since". The walrus, appearing unfazed by its bewildering manifestation in thin air, has at various stages blinked, breathed, and made some sort of barking noise. "I like him." Sammy Hill continued, "He's the first real family I've had. I keep him moist. He seems to enjoy that a whole lot." Sammy indeed has for the past 72 hours been ferrying small glasses of water from a nearby well. "You have to do it in tiny glasses each time. It doesn't work with a bucket. And see there you just throw it up his nose." The massive animal has not responded well to the repeated assaults of water up the nose, and authorities have been searching for local resident Sammy Hill for hours, combing the countryside following her trail of tiny water glasses. 

The walrus, over 15 feet tall at the shoulder, is an estimated 40 feet long and would be the largest recorded land animal in existence. Plans to relocate it to it's (supposed) natural environment have been scuppered due to the animal's impossible size. Moving the animal has also proved difficult due to a crowd of semi-religious folk that has gathered around the Walrus, treating the poor creature as a god. The group, known collectively only as "We Walrus", has erected strange ceremonial structures made largely of garbage taken from a nearby landfill. They have been chanting "We Walrus! We Walrus!" deep into the night, angering other residents, and from all indications, the creature as well. 

NEWS FLASH UPDATE: The garbage-altars around the beloved animal have taken on a dangerous amount of flies and assorted molds, so much so that the flies are more or less running the show at this point. 

Bats Complete Swimming Class Somewhat Successfully

It was reported at 5:55 AM local time that the first semester of Bats 4 Swimming commenced in an abandoned pool in West Hamsterdam. 169 bats successfully completed the one and a half minute semester, with only 346 deaths, a record low. Barbara Barbara, 87, had this to say when interviewed by reporters this morning. "You half wit long haired weed smoking scum! Don't you look my cat in the eyes! He'll kill ya!"  Other residents were not quite as pleased with the recent display of animal scholarship in the town. "Where are all the cat community college classes? Then you could call it 'CCCC', or 4Cs! Oh my god that's a great idea I'm going to be a millionaire!" Droy Breeny, 24, of South Hamsterdam commented after hearing of the clandestine bat commencement. The bats were heard partying throughout the early morning, drunk off the blood of grazing cattle on Sutter's Farm, which was adjacent to the ceremony. Hearing this, Farmer Sutter, enraged, ran screaming into the town square throwing rocks at passing people. "Damned teenagers, drinking all my blood! Where's Sutter's blood?! How's ole Sooty supposed to FEEL anymore?!"

Weird Smell Coming From Somewhere

At 3:42 PM local time, Edgar Rothstein, 11, noticed that there is a weird smell coming from somewhere, and someone should "probably do something about it, Mommy." Mrs. Rothstein, sometimes referred to as "Mommy", has been spotted around town in recent weeks. Dozens of eyewitnesses reported her stealing half eaten sandwiches from people's hands and running away screaming, "free sandwich! free sandwich for sale! only $3!", before getting into shouting matches with the nearest fire hydrant. " You damned nefarious creatures! Hiding all of our water for your devil-lairs!". One eyewitness, Deborah Haverford, 67, remarked, "I don't know why everyone is so upset. There's an overwhelming amount of sandwiches in this town. I think we need more heroes like her. Why if I still had my eyes I would be doing some of the same fine work she is."