Man Arrested for Marshmallow Attack

Local man John Dansen, 47, was arrested in West Hamsterdam Hill Tuesday night following a lengthy battle with police. At 6:02 PM local time police were called by neighbors after loud screams were heard emanating from Dansen's residence while dozens of cats were seen streaming from the front entrance. As police approached the house following the complaint, Dansen holed up in his "den" and pelted police with hundreds of marshmallows before the cops successfully forced their way into the residence. Police Chief Don Donaldson said of the marshmallow attack, "I didn't know it was possible to store that many marshmallows in a single residence. There must have been a hundred thousand marshmallows in there." The marshmallows were shot half melted on purpose, according the the accused Dansen. "You hafta make sure they're real melty, other wise the lil' fellas will just bounce right off." Investigators inspected Dansen's home shortly after the attack. Dansen, who appeared in severely poor health at the time of his arrest, described his home's squalid condition to police. "This here's my vomit bucket", as Dansen pointed to a bathtub, filled with vomit. "It kinda started to overflow, I think on account of all of the marshmallows I been eating." When asked on why he had exclusively been consuming marshmallows, Dansen appeared confused. "There's other stuff you can eat? Man the world sure is a big ole crazy place. I'm all ears if you got other eatin' suggestions." Dansen has since been placed in a marshmallow recovery center.