Salami Factory Opens

The first salami factory in the history of Hamsterdam Hill opened yesterday to much fanfare and pageantry. Several hundred ebullient townsfolk gathered in the town square and a local band played to celebrate the accomplishment. The prevailing emotion was excitement about what the new industry would bring to their town. "I love meat!" Sarah Sarahman, 32, remarked in the early morning among her group of revelers. "I think salami is really important to have in your body. You simply must try my salami soup. It's a bit hard to get down at first, but the intestinal problems settle down after a couple days."

Salami magnate and owner of 'Standard Meat', Burt Baxter, made a short statement in front of an adoring crowd at 9am local time. "I am so glad to have opened the first salami factory in the history of Hamsterdam Hill! Now bow to me! Bow to me, my children!" The salami CEO, suddenly atop a horse, unsheathed a sword and began rounding up the audience, brandishing the weapon high over his head. "Fear me! Now to the salami dens with you!"

The townspeople, terrified, were quickly set upon by salami henchmen and rounded into nearby salami dens, where salami mining began in earnest. Dozens of workers are needed to mine enough salami ore to feed the factories' voracious demand. Residents are quickly adjusting to their new leadership. Local man Dan Johnson, 54, bowl collector, lives a mere mile from the largest salami mine. "I love salami. And I especially love Burt Baxter. That is all I have to say on that. No problem at all with either of those things. Burt Baxter is definitely NOT holding my wife and daughter hostage because I have refused him mining rights at my family's ancient salami quarry. That is NOT what's happening at all. Don't think that!" Johnson cried, hysterically, before taking off at a wild sprint to the woods, arms and feet flailing, as if to escape an invisible attacker. Johnson has not been heard from since. 

Burt Baxter, 64, is perhaps best known for his unconventional methods in his 34 years as CEO of Standard Meat, including his insistence that salami originates deep underground. "Surface Salami is cheap, knock off stuff. Good salami requires human suffering, that's what my pappy taught me. The sweat of the salami miners is in fact absolutely crucial to the flavor of the meat." 

Standard Meat's poor safety record over the years has led to  intense public scrutiny for the company and its founder, but the move to Hamsterdam Hill and its nonexistent labor laws have allowed Standard Meat to flourish once again. "Some say I am selling more meat than ever." Baxter continued in our exclusive interview, "I say to them 'keep your mouth shut, you tiny insect, and back to the mines!"

Widespread reports of Standard Meat's mining turning up no salami in its mines, and instead relying on the workers itself for its meat supply, have been met with skepticism by the company's founder. 

"Human meat?? It's perfect for salami. I use it all the time.......wait. I just said I never use human meat, right? That's what I meant to say, of course. Never is what I meant to say."