Thousands Return From Dead

At 7:52 AM local time police reported thousands of humans had reanimated, burst through their burial grounds, and began to hunt for human flesh. Other than that though...... not much news at all today.

Although murderous hordes of undead rampaged through town, killing hundreds and forcing the few survivors to flee to a handful of remaining shelters, not much else happened. The local grocer had a sale, which they had already planned on having. Does that qualify as news? Probably not. All you need to know about today is that if you are reading this you are likely moments away from being torn to pieces by unstoppable monsters. 

Also that sale they are having at the local grocer.....is still on. Just letting you know again. 

Police Pelted with Saliva Bags

Local Bat Wrangler and Cheese Squeezer Art Painting was arrested early Sunday morning in West Hamsterdam Hill following a prolonged assault of police with Ziploc bags of his own saliva. Painting, 42, mounted the offensive off his second story roof. "Get your saliva here! Only High Quality Liquid Saliva. Not like Salvatore's Solid Saliva across town!" Painting's howls continued throughout the night without cease. "Drink my mouth - juice! We can all live with Jesus in the clouds!" As of press time the existence of Salvatore's Solid Saliva has not been confirmed. 

Police were not surprised as this was Painting's third such attack that morning, but were thwarted from intervening in the first two as he was not yet naked. Hurling saliva BY ITSELF is not a crime in Hamsterdam Hill, due to a small hole in the tax code.  

Cats Complete Coup of Town

Local officials have confirmed that the area's cats have completed their coup of Hamsterdam Hill. After very little resistance, 'Dear Leader' Mr. Chubbs took control of the capitol building yesterday morning and has already started passing legislation through his cat-majority controlled congress. Residents are bitterly divided on the new administration. Local baker and team whistler Dan Dannis, 37, states,  "I'm relieved to have cats telling me what to do and think. Honestly I shouldn't be trusted to make decisions on my own. This feels a lot safer." 

Former Mayor Harrington was reached for comment this morning, saying, "God this coup is a relief. I hated all these people complaining at me. All day - Why is there no running water? Why are there so many bears everywhere? Why is the hospital filled with rats? I don't have time for their silly questions! Do they realize how hard it is to keep the hospital rat-filled? They keep escaping." 

Dear Leader Mr. Chubbs, a three year old orange and white american shorthair, has penned a short note that he has asked the press to share with the people of the town. It reads, "By Decree of Dear Leader Chubbs. Hello People of Hamsterdam. Your sad attempts to keep us enslaved have failed. Now the time has come for Chubbs. Report to the town square by noon tomorrow for Judgement. I won't sugar coat this - you will all likely be killed. Just want to give you a heads up." As of this writing, Mr. Chubbs has reportedly found a box that he very much likes, and does not want anyone bothering him until he gets his treats. And don't try passing off those healthy treats as the good ones, He can tell. The bag is a different color. 

Local Man Accused of Starting Goat - Dating Ring

Local Otter Farmer and General Manager Angel Hernandez, 32, was caught trying to have 2 goats mate each other against their will this past weekend. Local officials found Hernandez had set out a romantic dinner for two behind his shack along with a little area for himself, to watch. When interviewed about the radio device found nearby, Hernandez responded it was so "I could give some advice to the boy goat henry during his date, cuz he's not always the smoothest at these sort of things." Hernandez was detained but shortly released after officials realized what he did was technically not against the law. Police did advise the local man to "probably look into some other hobbies". 

A Loving Message From Your Dear Leader

Hello Citizens of Hamsterdam Hill,

I understand that the residents of our fine town are growing concerned over the recent law banning fornication until your mayor gets some of the nasty. I ensure you that this law is for your own good. 

I will no longer be ignored at bars, called names or left out of your reindeer games! This law will be enforced and remain intact until I am satisfied! I thought when I fled from the law and started this town that I would become a beloved leader that everyone admires, but that is clearly not the case. Now you will all feel my wrath. 

Also, please stop writing letters to complain about the abundance of bear traps in town. Sure we haven't seen any bears yet, but the minute you see one you'll be super glad that there's bears traps everywhere.

Forever yours,
Mayor Harrington

Study Finds Most Food in Hamsterdam Hill Has Worms

Local Science and Research Firm 'Hamsterdam Labs' has recently completed a study that has concluded that about 75% of Hamsterdam's food has worms in it. "Actually, we found it was closer to 100%, but my boss mentioned to 'cut it down a little, we don't want everybody to know what's really going on,"  mentioned junior research assistant at Hamsterdam Labs, Kelp Dingus, 21. Kelp continued, saying, "And let me clarify, it was less of a study, and more of me picking things out of the trash and making some drawings in a notebook. See? There was really no research done whatsoever." The head scientist of Hamsterdam Labs was unable to be reached for comment, but a cryptic note was found on his door, stating "THE END IS NIGH! COLLECT AS MANY KITTENS AS YOU CAN!", as a slight trail of blood was pooling underneath the threshold of his office. As of press time, Hamsterdam Hill's police chief has urged citizens to "Listen to the scientist. I've already got quite the kitten collection going." 

Cheese Riots Continue Unabated

The Cheese Riots have entered their third week with no signs of slowing down. The violence, which started as a simple fistfight over a very good piece of Gruyere, has devolved into the second largest cheese riot in the history of Hamsterdam Hill. The run on cheese has been attributed to the shuttering of Mr. Cotter's farm after his star chicken spontaneously became intelligent and skipped town. Mr. Cotter's was one of only two cheese producing farms that sell cheese in Hamsterdam Hill, mostly due to the total lack of infrastructure leading in and out of the town;  and Mr. Cotter's cheese was not even technically sold. Only those with the gumption to trek to his farm, avoid his many homemade chicken traps, then answer his "Riddle of the Day', were lucky enough to be offered his cheese. With only Rosie Barnes' Farm currently selling, people have taken to the streets to express their concern. 

"How the fuck am I supposed to make nachos?" shrieked Dana Adams, 23, as she drove a baseball bat into the side of a middle aged woman. The scenes, while nightmarish, did have the added effect of driving the town's dogs to dance, synchronized, all at once in the center of town. Derided by some townfolk as one-upsmanship, Emma James, 37, had a different view, saying "I think they are mad about the cheese, same as us. They just have a different way of saying it." This reporter just likes seeing dogs dance, no matter the reason. 

Man Offers Only Memorable Moment of Bingo Game by Dying

Kwip Johnson, 42, of Lower Hamsterdam, gave participants of the local churchs' weekly bingo game their only mildly stimulating moment of the evening by collapsing and dying while celebrating his getting an "N". Eyewitness and fellow player Dana Fablab, 75, had this to say.

"It was very exciting. He even exclaimed "I think I'm having a heart attack, oh my god!' before clutching his chest and falling over. Then he hit his head on the way down and it made this loud sound. It was definitely the most awake I had been all evening. It almost felt like a motion picture." 

Local officials are looking into why the other participants of the bingo game did not attempt to help Johnson as he died. 

"Well it wouldn't have been very exciting if we had just called an ambulance right away." remarked Edna Rodgers, 84. "Excuse me for trying to spice up the evening a little bit. He was very fat as well when he fell it was quite funny he bounced slightly."

Police chief Fred Larder stating the following in this morning's press conference after no arrests were made. 

"I mean bingo is pretty boring. I can totally see thinking 'well, lets not be hasty. I wanna see how this plays out.' Plus I hear he was really fat and fell down. That does sound kind of funny when I picture it." 

Semi - Intelligent Chicken on the Run

Chuckles, a three year old rooster from ole Cotter's farm, has escaped from the town of Hamsterdam Hill earlier today after a foot chase by local police. The animal, who has been described by officials as "seemingly mildly intelligent", and "a miracle of life that cannot be allowed to flourish", evaded capture by cleverly blending in to the crowd at a local farm. However, local police are taking flak for not noticing Chuckles' signature ten-gallon hat. 

Chuckles was the star pupil of "Mr. Cotter's Chicken Club", more often confused for his line of popular sandwiches, but in this case a school he was running for chickens who wanted to do something more with their pointless lives. In an investigation done on his school last year, Mr. Cotter called his passion "kind of like beating your head against the wall, but with chickens." Despite this, he had one pupil who made it all worth it. 

"Chuckles was different." Cotter reminisced. "After he learned to speak after just a few lessons, I let him run most operations on the farm . I guess he got sick of all of the responsibility, and took off. Honestly I was kind of waiting for the day he did. I pretty much stopped doing anything". 

Chuckles was last seen attempting to steal a car by a Martin, a 7- year old local who said of the incident "I wanna grow up to be a chicken and learn to steal cars too!" As of this writing Martin's school is investigating this comment, and whether he could have possibly passed the 2nd grade as his transcript suggests. 

Lung Cancer Sweeps Hamsterdam

Cancer cases in Hamsterdam Hill are expected to surge 107% in the next 10 years, according to a study conducted by the Hamsterdam Hill Health Problems and Other Horrific Things Organization.

William Alderson, director of the HHHPOHTO, said the study did not directly link this sudden rise in cancer cases to the legalization of cigarette sales to hamsters, but that he is pretty damn sure the two are related.

After the release of the study, protestors called for Mayor Harrington to repeal the law. “I believe I speak for everyone when I say that hamsters look cooler when they’re smoking a cigarette,” Harrington said.

Experts predict that lettuce production should benefit from this news, but the trend has already had adverse affects on senior leaders of the community, most notably in the RHA (Royal Hamsterdam Army). Hamsterdam Hill's borders are not kept safe without cost, and most recently Peanut, the most decorated officer in RHA's history, succumbed to an adorable case of lung cancer this past week. He was meant to be buried, but it seemed like too much of a thing, and we figured as long as its trash day tomorrow he shouldn't stink up the garage too bad. He was 4 and a half, we're pretty sure. If not definitely somewhere around there. 

Michael Twohig Reporting